Happy Belated Anniversary

It's been crazy busy around our home the past few days.  I have a post about the three foster children we baby sat for a foster family who didn't have a sitter and needed to have a free weekend for personal reasons.  That's a long post I don't have time to write yet (I'll do it tomorrow, I promise!)

This post is FAR more important and way late.  Thursday, April 19, 2012 was our 6 year wedding anniversary.  I'm going to include some of my favorite pictures


This was my favorite picture!

The wedding cake I designed (that's the same topper Carmen Electra used when she married some rocker dude)



Our rings:




Me:



Our flowers:


It's been 6 whole years and it feels like yesterday.  The time between our first date and our wedding days 40 days!  NO lie!  We were crazy but it's worked. 

I have more to add but right now I'm kinda sleepy.  Be back tomorrow!!!

Our First Taste of Parenting

This past weekend was a busy one here in Mountaineer Nation.  We were asked by our agency to babysit three children on Saturday 8-5 and Sunday 8-12.  Their ages:  5, 3, and 1. {Insert instant panic from moi.}  I love kids about 8-9 years of age and up.  Any children younger than that, well, we don't mesh well is probably the best way to put it.  Some kids I just can't stand.  It's not a pretty sentence to read or type but it's a truthful statement. 

I've only changed 2 diapers in my life.  I don't ever have any desire to change another one so I started to freak out about that.  The one year old has pretty significant handicaps.  I don't want to divulge any of their private information (who knows who reads this) so I won't say what but it was enough to make me call my bestest friend in the whole wide world and ask her to please help me this weekend.  The older kids are at the age when kids grate on my nerves the worst.  I don't know how to entertain children that age.  They scare me. 

Jeff and I have known we are best suited for parenting tweens and teens.  I know they come with their own attitudes and challenges but I'm better able to handle those then two kids fighting over the same play dough.  FYI: play dough is the BEST product on the planet.  I never knew how long kids would play (read: be quiet and require no major redirection) with play dough.  We only had minor sharing issues and repeated requests to "please don't feed the dog play dough" and "yes I know made a pizza but it's not safe for the doggie."

My husband had them outside running around throwing footballs.  In fact they kept calling Jeff "daddy" and I could see on his face that while he was not comfortable around their ages, he was IN LOVE with being called Daddy. 

At one point we had six adults to three children.  I felt like a total failure.  I just didn't know what to do.  It didn't start off right.  The foster parents "moved in" with a pack and  play, toys that made ungodly noises/songs/sounds, cartoons were on the TV and while the children ran into the house and immediately began running up the steps and the foster mom went directly to my kitchen (she' never been here before and I'd never met her before) and started putting stuff in my fridge that I almost said, "EVERYBODY OUT!"  I immediately wanted to sit down in a quiet room, put my fingers in my ears and cry.

My fridge needs cleaned out.  I don't know what all was in it but I know it's had a pizza box and some left over containers and a bunch of stuff I need to throw away but haven't had time to do it so the thought this woman took over my house really pissed me off.  Who does that????

I feel like my friends did way more with the kids than I did.  I feel like I sucked as a parent.  I couldn't wait for the days to be over to have my house back.  I'm not saying I've decided not to parent.  We very much want to be parents but just not this age.  We have seen how much our home will change (t.v. can't have news on all the time, the kids get fed before you eat, etc) and it's weird yet good at the same time.

I'm tired today.  Let's not forget to mention that both days the kids were here were the worst days of my allergies.  On Saturday my right eye had been swollen shut until noon and I needed to take copious amounts of benedryl to just breathe. 

Lola was a tremendous help.  She loved having kids to play with but she's old and got tired and was soon OVER the entire thing:

Today I'm cleaning the Master bedroom.  I've folded so much laundry!!  I still need to finish dusting, change the sheets, and vacuum up all the pet hair on the floor.  Every room in my house needs attention so I'm taking each room one day at a time.  I'll be back later with before/after pictures!!!

Photo Post

I don't really have much to say so I'll just overload you with photos (taken from my iphone so they won't be the best quality photos)

That is Farty our "baby" as in the youngest of the feline-kind that resides here.  Her name was originally Ellie Mae but she was a little "fart" and so we took to calling her "Fart Tart" or "Farty" and now she won't answer to anything but Farty.  It's funny to take her to the vet and have them come out and call for "Farty!" 

That's my biggest baby and the Love of My Life:  Lola.  She's 9.  She's half chow and Rottie and the the best dog I've ever known.  She goes next week to get her teeth cleaned and they will be doing blood work and that makes me nervous.  I don't want them to find anything wrong with her.  My biggest dread in life is when I don't have her anymore.  Oh...I simply can't think about it.

This is my pretty boy Marvin (with Punky in the top picture).  The bottom picture he "killed" a fierce texting glove!  Good boy, Marvin.  My brave boy!! :)

This is Yetta Oliva.  She was wanting to lay on mama's lap while I read today and decided she wasn't happy I wasn't paying attention to her.  I love her to pieces.  Even if she is currently trying to eat the cord to my headphones. LOL

Thanks to my kick ass father, we laid laminate on our steps.  The top picture is before and the bottom is after, of course.  They look amazing.  I'm so glad to have that project done!  It looks so much better in my house!!!

Last Class

Sorry I haven't been around Blogger in awhile.  I've had a lot going on and opted to take a little hiatus from blogging.

It's been a busy week and it's only Tuesday.

Sunday J and I went to church and had a wonderful day.  Worship was amazing and the children's program was  adorable.  I can't wait to watch my children next year.  By Sunday afternoon I began losing my voice until I was completely voiceless from Sunday night through late last night.  Weird.  I didn't feel bad just lost my voice.  I guess my husband prayed for and received an Easter Miracle!!

Yesterday was my last Monday on the job.  I didn't have a voice and I had to whisper all day.  I also found it was "abuse the case worker because she's going to be gone" day.  I have been getting more and more of my boss' work on my desk over the course of the past couple of weeks but yesterday was when I reached my limit. I think the Lord took my voice so I wouldn't say what I was really thinking.  I didn't realize until a week ago that all the stuff she'd been putting off on me to do was what she was supposed to be doing.  Another employee said, "why don't you let her do her job?"  So yesterday, when I was running around like mad and she talked on her cell phone, texted, and shopped on eBay all morning, I was pretty hot.  She kept saying, 'before you leave me forever, I need you to........"  So, I got it all done yesterday, took my personal things with me and left my key in an envelope in my desk drawer.  I wasn't sure when I left yesterday if I was going back or not and around 7:30 this morning I emailed her that I would not be back and how I left upset and frustrated (didn't elaborate) and that I had made the decision to be finished.  She texted me and said, "damn, I didn't know you were so unhappy here."  Which isn't the truth.  I wasn't always unhappy.  She became unhappy with her job and instead of doing it anyway, she started giving it to me.  She was using me, and after she found out I was leaving it got worse and honestly, I'm all for quitting responsibly but I'm not for being abused.

I had big plans for the day of what rooms I was going to clean in the house and what all I was going to get done and I woke up with a mighty nasty migraine so I spent the day in a cool, dark room fighting it.  It's finally gone!!!

Then this evening we had our last foster parenting class:  crisis intervention.  Now all we have left is to get our CPR/First Aid and our home safety inspection and we're ready for kids!!

We'll get a little bit of a "baptism by fire" this weekend.  Another foster family has something scheduled this weekend that was scheduled way before they became licensed as foster parents and needed parents who can keep them for the entire day Saturday and morning Sunday.  I didn't want to say yes.  In fact, even though I finally said yes, I'm still not 100% happy about it.  The ages: 1, 3, and 5.  The minimum age we'll accept as foster parents? 8 (and that's pushing it!)

I know I'm not the best around kids between the ages of 2-6/7.  I don't tend to have a lot of patience and if I'm being completely honest, I don't like little kids.  Give me a teenager who can tell me to F off over a little kid throwing a temper tantrum.  I much prefer a child I can reason with over one I have to accept will "grow out of it".  I know.  I sound like a horrible non-maternal person but it's who I am.  My niece?  She's 15 months and a piece of cake.  She's the sweetest little thing who I've never ever seen melt down or throw a fit.  I could spend all day with her and babies like her but she's extra special.  Most babies are not like our Mils! I just haven't universally had success with young children.  But I've called in reinforcements and I'm going to get some cheap toys (which I'll donate to the agency for the visitation room) and we'll get through it.

I'm not as nervous as I was before.  I can't explain it but I'm not.  I'm starting to define my discipline style and I'm starting to feel less pulled in many directions.  I don't have the weight of a job hanging over my head so now I can focus on one thing:  getting ready to be a parent.  And I'm really liking that role!!

(I apologize if this has spelling and grammar errors.  I'll catch them and correct them tomorrow.  I'm tired and going to sleep!!)

Trust Me...

Initially we started this process to adopt R, a 13 year old boy born on Christmas Day looking for a forever family.  Then our feelings morphed into foster parenting while still planning to adopt R.  The night of our very first meeting with our social worker we went to the state's adoption web page and expressed interest in adopting R.  It's been almost two months and we hadn't heard anything at all.  So last week I asked our SW, "does that mean we weren't chosen?"  So he got the name of the woman I had emailed about R and was able to track down R's worker and yesterday my phone rang.  We only have a very limited amount of information but we're not out of it yet but we're not in it yet either.  There is a family in the northern panhandle of the state who has also expressed interest in R.  R's social worker asked for our home study which won't be finished until the very end of this month.  I don't know if that will affect our chances or not.  I don't know if we're out of it or not.  I don't know if I should let go of my dream or not.  We will be getting R's social summary.  That's when we'll learn about his situation and circumstances.

I keep thinking that since he's from here locally, why if when given the choice to stay in this area or relocate two hours away, would he choose the other family?  Given his age, R will have a choice.  I so badly want to yell into the universe, "We have a room we've decorated and put together with YOU in mind.  Please choose us!" 

The best we can do, the best anyone can do is pray that we become a family.  This is where I need to grow in my prayer life.  I still pray for the things that I WANT and not for God's Will.  That's hard to do. My husband will be the first person to tell you that I don't submit to ANYONE.  I don't like to take direction and I have issues with authority. :)

I feel entitled to R.  Why?  Especially given I know nothing about him but the beautiful mocha color of his face, his deep brown eyes, and his boyish charm?  Because I am infertile.  Because I suffered through fertility treatments yielding me baby weight and a heart broken into pieces via miscarriage.  Because I can't lay down and make a baby like other women so I already decided that since I've already had to suffer so much I am entitled to whatever family I want.  Pretty shitty of me isn't it?

At least that's how my silly mind rationalizes things.  But in my heart I know that I have gotten this far by nothing else other than the grace of God.  God has provided me with EVERYTHING, even the painful lessons that grew my heart, spirit, and soul in ways I never could have imagined.  Why do I have so much trouble submitting to the Will of the God who has sustained me through the unimaginable?

I guess I never got that far in Sunday School since I am a Sunday School drop out.  I know God is merciful and He alone will make my family what is in HIS plans.  I have clung to Jeremiah 29:11 for the past six years:  "I know the plans I have for you, declared the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to hurt you."  It's the only verse I know by heart other than John 3:16.  I know that the picture of my family in my head may not be the Will of God for my life. 

I have to take a leap of faith in this whole endeavor.  I have to trust in God.  I have to trust in my husband.  I have to trust in myself. I have to trust in my family. I have to trust in my social worker.  I have to trust in the judicial system.  It's a lot of trust and for someone who doesn't trust easily, I don't know if I have enough trust to go around.

As we get closer to the end of our training and closer to licensing I get more and more anxious.  I'd be lying if I told you I wasn't scared but I'm not scared:  I'm petrified.  But I know I can do this.  I just have to be flexible and not allow my heart to get fixated on a situation until it happens.  Easier said then done. Easier said than done.

Schadenfreude

Have you ever heard of the Broadway play Avenue Q?  It's hilarious.  It's like Sesame Street for grown ups utilizing puppets and tackling such subjects as homosexuality, racism, how being a grown up sucks, etc.  One of the songs is about Schadenfreude, the German word for happiness at the misfortune of others.  I'll embed the youtube video of the song at the end of this post

You may be thinking, what in the world is this crazy woman talking about.  As my husband and I were eating dinner tonight and I was casually checking the Twitter while watching some NBA game on the flat screen on the wall of the restaurant while also writing out my list of items that must be cleaned/completed/bought before the children come home and I realized something horrible:  the very day I become a mom will be the happiest and most exciting and scary day of my life. I won't be a "mom" in the sense of a child looking to me as the greatest person alive kinda of way, at least not at first, but I will be a mom in my heart and I will be elated. 

On the other hand, my elation will come from the complete and utter misfortune of the children in my home.  They will have been removed from the only family they have ever known.  They will be in a new place filled with strangers, a different house, a different street, a different school, with absolutely nothing familiar.  How can I  be excited and happy to welcome these children into my home while they are petrified and have suffered abuse and neglect in a way I'll never comprehend?

I started getting really upset thinking about will this foster-to-adopt journey ever bring me what I want:  a family to call my own?  Will I ever be called "mom" sincerely from a kid or two or even three? It's scary but it's also disheartening that my happiest and most exciting day will come from something horrible and scary for the children.

Please don't get me wrong.  I'm not taking pleasure in their pain, but I am beginning to realize that I will have a mix of emotions that includes being so happy they are with me while also realizing that this, the greatest time in my life, comes courtesy of the worst time in theirs.  Something to think about.

The video is not to make light of the situation but rather to lighten my mood.  I won't be taking pleasure in the pain of these children but I will be so happy to have them here.  And for that, I feel a little bit guilty.

9 Days and Counting

I have nine days of work left as we're off this Friday for Good Friday.  We won't be licensed until the first of May at the earliest so why am I quitting so soon?  Because I need to prepare myself. 

I need to take some time and go through every.single.room in my house and rid it of the past, of junk, and make it feel homey and happy.

I need to take some time and get into a routine of getting up early, exercising, making breakfast, doing my daily cleaning chores, and getting in the habit of day-to-day operations of a home.

I need to refocus my thoughts and feelings.  I need to get centered and develop a routine of daily meditation and Bible study.

I need to focus on myself, my husband, and our child/ren. 

I don't even want to finish those 9 days.  I hate two weeks' notices.  You've already checked out, aren't invested, and still have to trudge through your day as if you care when everyone knows you don't.  I'm also rather sick and tired of my boss leaving her work for me to do so she can spend the rest of these 9 days ebay shopping before she has to work again.

I'm thinking of making a private, invitation only blog (in addition to this one as this one will always be "open to the public") to give me a place where I can be more open and talk about more pressing issues. 

Overslept for church today.  In fact my allergies have been so bad today I've done a big ol lot of nothing.
Wow this blog has turned into a big ol boring something-or-other hasn't it.  Perhaps I should come back when I have more uplifting things to say.