What's Happenin?

Long time no posting.  Things have been organized chaos here at the T household.  Where to start.   Is everyone okay with a bullet post??  No? Well, you're going to have to learn to deal with disappointment!

• The last time we met, Lyric had been in the ER with pneumonia.  I am  happy to say that she is 100% better.
• Because of reasons I haven't gone into here in Bloggerville, we are now a three person family.  Sophia has gone to live with another foster family.  The decision to ask for her to be removed wasn't an easy decision but it was the best decision.  I struggled with the decision for a very long time (even though she was only here three months) I really did struggle for a long time knowing that she was not a good match for our parenting styles and the other personalities in the home.  The day we packed her up and moved her was very difficult but we've fallen into a new groove and we're all doing well.
• Lyric started and has since decided to stop going to gymnastics.  Today was to be her fourth class but she talked to me and said that right now she feels like she's going through enough and would like to hold off on gymnastics until maybe the summer.  I do believe that it did not appear that her heart was in it and right now her grades and adjustment are more important that cartwheels and back handsprings.
• My husband's company has purchased over a million dollars worth of new equipment that he will be responsible in implementing, maintaining, and training all staff how to use. To say he's stressed out would be like saying peas taste like skittles.
• I'm two weeks away from the end of the first term of my classes and right now I have As in my classes and two HUGE papers to write. In fact, I'm supposed to be reading research articles for my paper on treating children with PTSD right now but I'm blogging instead.
• Lyric has been asking to volunteer at the local humane society.  She's also been asking for a puppy but a kitten would work since we cannot have a puppy.  We *could* have a puppy but a) I don't want to go through the puppy stage again any time soon and b) our dog is 10 and does not like other dogs.  She's reached the old bitchy woman stage of doghood.  I think she and I are going through The Change together.
• Lyric volunteered for the first time yesterday at the humane society. 
• Snickers, a 12 week old calico joined our family yesterday.
• That makes seven cats.  Snickers joins her siblings: Lola, a stinky fluffy hairy dog whose big fluffy tail making for the best.kitten.toy.ever, and feline siblings: Yetta, Naomi, Vegas, Punkin, Marvin, and Farty. 
• We're checking Craig's list for a partridge and Home Depot for pear trees.
• My health is borderline right now.  As I've mentioned before I have RA and I take chemotherapy in two forms: IV and pill.  My IV form has been increased as much as possible and my pill form had been reduced but increased again.  I'm on a new medication to keep the chemotherapy from stressing out my liver, kidneys, and to help keep my hair from falling out. 
• I have a CT scan in the morning because I've lost almost all my hearing in my left ear and it has been congested and oozing nasty stuff for a month now.  The ENT I saw believes I need a tube inserted (I had them when I was six until I was 15 and they were surgically removed) and the CT scan is because he is worried the RA has begun affecting the bones/joints of my ear.
• I've been researching a diets to help my health.  I need a diet for weight loss; however, I need more of an elimination diet that eliminates foods that may be causing the horrendous eczema outbreaks I've been having as well as controlling the inflammation in my body.  Weight loss will be a byproduct but for once in my life isn't the sole reason for dieting.
• Our WVU Mountaineers are 4-0 and are EXPLOSIVE! We just recently joined the Big XII and are doing pretty well.  We play Texas Saturday so we're nervous but still believing here in Mountaineer Nation.
• This Saturday we will be waking up at 4am and on the road by 5 am to take Lyric and her brother Brady* to a pumpkin festival in Milton WV.  I'm praying that my RA won't be too much of a bother because I know a lot of walking is involved. 

Well, I think that covers it.  My attempts at avoiding work on my paper isn't helping me keep my A so off I must go.


*Not his real name.

First Time For Everything

Last night (or very early this morning however you choose to look at it) was my very first rushing-a-sick-kid-to-the-emergency-room-scared-shitless experience.

Lyric had been treated a two weeks ago today for a sinus infection with a 10 day course of antibiotics that she completed.  Friday I get a phone call asking me to come pick her up and hour early because she felt as if she had a UTI and was in pain and not feeling well.  Because our doctor does not have Friday hours, I took her to the local quick care clinic.  They evaluated her and while her urine did not show any sign of infection, they gave her an antibiotic and sent her urine away for a culture.  We got her antibiotic filled the next day. 

Roughly an hour or two after her first antibiotic pill, she vomited. We deduced she vomited from the antibiotic and told her since her urine didn't show infection that she could try taking a second dose or wait to see what the culture revealed. I don't believe in giving antibiotics if there's no infection.

Sunday I woke up with a terrible cold and I'm going on a week of fighting a weird ear infection where my ear is constantly clogged with yellow gunk running out of it so given my immunosuppressed state (thanks Chemo!) I stayed in bed all day.  I finally joined the family around 7:30pm and Lyric, my husband and I watched a movie.  Lyric was fine.  She had small complaints of achiness and just not feeling well. 

Within a matter of minutes Lyric went from asking questions about a movie to almost panting/hyperventilating.  She would not answer questions, she was shaking and I knew something was very wrong.  I first thought it was a panic/anxiety attack.  When Lyric did speak she'd just say "can't breathe" and "my heart hurts."  We all changed our clothes as I ran through "do I call an ambulance or do I just take her to the ER?"  Figuring it would take longer to get an ambulance, we put her in the car and off we went. 

I kept trying to talk her through slowing her breathing. It wasn't working and I was panicking myself so I told Jeff to talk her to normal breathing.  We pulled into the ER parking area and rushed her in to sign in.  She was still taking very quick shallow breaths and they moved her immediately to triage.  Her O2 and BP were okay but her heart rate was 155.  I almost hit the floor. 

Over the course of four hours we went from talking her through breathing, getting an iv, EKG, chest xray, CT scan to rule out a PE and then we waited.  Jeff was in and out of the room because Sophia was in the waiting room and it was after midnight on a weekend. 

I explained to the nurse that Lyric has not had very positive experiences with hospitals in the past and she has dealt with more in her life than most people could imagine or comprehend.  She said Lyric may be using a panic attack in order to gain attention and not to be surprised if she was do this in the future.  I kindly but sternly told the nurse, "you're a nurse and you know medical stuff. I'm a therapist so I know mental illness.  You do what you're trained to do and I'll worry about what I'm trained to do." 

Within an hour of being in the ER, she spiked a 101.4 fever.  While I didn't want her to be sick, I felt a little vindication that I knew it was more than panic.  I never left her side, not when they drew her blood, not when they did the EKG, not when they did the chest xray, and I stood right beside her rubbing her arms wearing a royal blue metal vest while she got her CT scan.  I wasn't leaving her.  In fact they wanted to draw blood from her artery (and I KNOW how painful that is) and I told them I would NOT consent to that unless every other test they performed left them no other options than to do the draw but it would be the very last option.  Thankfully it wasn't needed.

Four hours and some IV antibiotics later, we left with a pneumonia diagnosis and a nurse telling me that she had never seen foster parents care that much about their foster children.  I don't add that to pat myself on the back.  I add that because it's a shame that sick and very scared kids don't have the same type of compassion from a parental figure in that kind of situation. 

We got home around 4 am.  I couldn't unwind to sleep until 6am and was awake by 9:30am.  I'm tired and exhausted and praying I don't catch any germs I may have come into contact with last night.  But more than anything, I'm happy she's okay. 

I've always heard parents say how scary it is to have a sick child and how they wished they could trade places with their children.  I never understood that feeling until last night.  It was the most terrified and helpless I've ever felt in my life.

We've had challenges becoming a family of four and I've had many doubts about whether or not I made the right decision to become a mom.  I worried I wasn't cut out for being a mom but last night showed me our training social worker was right: I'm definitely cut out for this.

**Names used are not their actual names**

The Odd Life of Allison T.

Today was the last day of summer vacation and I took my daughters to see the Odd Life of Timothy Green.  I don't think we were five minutes into the movie before I started crying.  It brought back so many memories:  happy ones, sad ones, and angry ones.

I had that conversation with a doctor.  The "we've done everything medically possible but with your conditions if we do manage to get your pregnant again you'll have the same result: first trimester miscarriage. Your body is not conducive to children."

"Your body is not conducive to children."

I had a box.  A pretty and expensive carved wooden box with an angel on the top and painted in rainbow colors.  It held the only ultrasound picture I will ever have.  The grief/loss/sympathy cards I got when we lost Miller (that's our baby's name) and my hospital bracelet and petals from flowers that were sent and a pair of socks I'd bought when I allowed myself to believe it was possible.  I took it to work for a "share" day when all the counselors brought in something that changed us, forever defined us.  I got busy and forgot to take it out of the car.  My car was broken into, Jeff's work laptop was stolen and they took the box.  In just the same instance as Miller was gone so were all of the only reminders I'd ever have of him. 

Watching the parents in the movie bury their "child" it brought back memories of that box.  They wrote their hopes and dreams for their child on paper and placed it in a carved wooden box and all my hopes and dreams had at one time been stored in a carved wooden box. 

Watching this play out on the big screen caused me to sit back and remember what was once a very big part of my life.  The parents tell the story of Timothy as they are speaking to an adoption agency.  Timothy was only with them for a short period of time. Just enough to show them that they are capable of being parents. 

Sitting two rows in front of me were my two girls.  They didn't show up out of no where but they might as well have.  I know very little about their pasts.  I don't know much of their stories.  I don't know the pain they have felt or still feel.  I just know that lately I haven't been 100% certain if we should be parents.  If we're capable of being good parents.  Teen girls aren't easy.  Foster parenting isn't easy.  Going from being happily married just the two of you to a family of four with each person bringing his/her own baggage to the table feels impossible most days. 

I cried through 80% of the movie.  I realized that no matter how long I live I'll always miss what would've been.  I'll always worry if what I'm doing is right. But I'll always be thankful for what I have had and do have.

Consider Yourself on Notice

I figured it is time I address some things that have been increasingly raising my blood pressure.  So, in an attempt to speak reason to those with the best of intentions (at least  I choose to believe they have the best intentions) and to keep from assaulting someone either verbally, physically, or both, I've decided to put this out on the interwebs.

1. I AM a real mom.  I am not a babysitter.  I am not a social worker with two live in clients.  I am a mom who worries at night when her child is sick. I am a mom who mends broken hearts only the hearts I mend aren't broken over silly things like boys and friend drama but trauma so disgusting and perverse that I, as a grown educated adult who professionally functions as a therapist, can't even comprehend.

2. This girls ARE my children.  Yes, they have biological mothers.  One daughter may still return to her biological mother.  My other daughter will never return to her biological mother.  But in my eyes there is no difference between the two.  I AM their mother.  They are MY children. 

3. Yes, those of you who know us personally know we went from not having kids to two teenagers very quickly. All of you know that we are foster parents.  We all know what it means for a child to be a foster child.  However, this DOES NOT give you any right to ask them private, personal questions in the middle of Walmart, the street, or even in my own home about WHY they are in foster care. It's frankly none of your damn business and if they want to share that information with you I'm sure they'd rather not do it next to a whole bunch of strangers.

4. For people who do not know us personally we want them to look at us and think we've always been a family.  That these girls are our biological children.  This does not mean we are trying to replace the parents they have had. This is because we want a NORMAL life for two girls who haven't been fortunate enough to have what many of us consider "normal."  We don't leave the house wearing tee-shirts that read: Foster Mom, Foster Dad, Foster Daughter.  We dress like normal people because we are.

5. I don't care if your mama, grandmama, auntie, best friend's boyfriend's great aunt Bertha were foster parents please refrain from sharing 'horror stories' and definitely don't think you know everything that happens in the foster care system and how to best raise my daughters.  Like I said, I'm a trained counselor and next year will be a Masters level therapist.  I know all about dealing with emotional issues, mental illness, and trauma.  I also know a thing or two about empathy and love and how to show it and express it. 

6. If we see each other in public, don't introduce me and my daughters as your friend Allison and her "foster kids."  This will get you unfriended from not just Facebook but from my LIFE.

7. Don't tell my girls you "understand them" or that explain how you were punished when you were a child so you "sympathize" with them. The punishments they have endured was worse than anything YOU could ever imagine. 

8. Don't "sympathize" with them.  They aren't broken.  They aren't abnormal.  They aren't aliens of a difference species.  They are children.  You're not their therapist or social worker so keep your Dr. Phil sound bites to yourself.

9. When I'm frustrated because I'm a mom to two tweenagers, don't tell me that it would be "easier" if they were "normal."  Because that just makes you look ignant. (Yes, I meant to spell it that way).

10. All I ask is when you see us in public, when you see our daughters I want you to try to act the way you would act had I given birth to both of these girls and raised them for 12 and 13 years. 

11. Under no circumstances should you EVER ask me in front of my children or ask them directly in front of us if we will be adopting them or if they want to be adopted. 1. It's none of your damn business and 2. We've been a family for 2 months.  Adoption IS the plan if and when all parent rights are terminated IF the child wishes to be adopted.  These adoptions will take place over a period of time and after family therapy to make sure it's the best option for them.  Putting either my husband and I or my daughters on the spot is not appropriate. EVER. 

We're a normal family brought together by unfortunate circumstances.  My daughters have already been victimized in ways that sicken the deepest depths of my soul don't continue to make them feel different.  Think about it: how would you feel if the life you were living (however miserable and abusive it was) was your normal and then all of a sudden you were put in a home with strangers and told, "this is your family now."  How would you feel?  I'd be scared shitless.

These girls are stronger, smarter, and wiser than most.  No it hasn't been easy on them or on us.  But I'm a very protected advocate (it's part of my real mom duties) and I will not tolerate anyone calling attention to their differences.  We work very hard to protect their privacy and to make them feel safe, loved, comfortable.  When we introduce them as our daughters to our friends they know our friends know they are in foster care.  They aren't stupid.  Maybe some of you need to think that just that introduction alone is difficult enough on them and you shouldn't follow up with "what county are you from?" or "who's your worker?" or "do you know so-n-so, she works at DHHR?"

Just say hello.  Ask them if they are excited about school (not their "NEW" school, just school in general).  Ask them what they have done this summer.  Ask them about their hobbies or favorite shows or movies. And for the love of ALL that is holy, unless you have been involved with my children from the beginning and know what you're talking about, don't tell them, "You're with a good family now."  We NEVER condemn the biological family regardless of what happened in the past.  Family is family and by telling them how nice of a family we are sends the message of, "your other family was shitty."

My husband and I are raising children in the same difficult world you are.  We face the same challenges and worries about school bullies, illness, raising strong, independent well-rounded children as you do.  We just have a little bit more junk to work through than most.  Don't pity us.  Don't pity our daughters. 

Failure Is An Option

So often we hear that failure is not an option. Those five words are supposed to make us believe that if we try hard enough, work diligently enough, and want it bad enough that failure will never enter into our lives.  Those five words are bull puckey.

Failure is an option.  Frankly, when it comes to foster parenting I have learned that all options must be on the table.  That includes failure.  Now, many counselors, social workers, foster parents, and other professionals may look at that statement as a foster mother who has resigned herself to fail.  To give up.  To surrender.  Throw in the towel.  That's not what I mean.

We've been going through some battles in this house.  I've been going through these battles wearing two different hats, utilizing two different brands of logic, and what I have managed to accomplish is wearing myself out to the point where I don't want to try anymore but yet deep down I continue to push on.  I picture the social workers in our lives snapping a whip and yelling at me to, "Mush! Mush!"

I have two daughters.  Both have endured different types of situations.  I won't be getting into those situations because they are not pertinent to the point I'm trying to make here.   What is pertinent is one is very angry and the other is not.  Or at least not so much.

Anger is a deadly disease.  It will come into your home and infect all inhabitants and there's no medication, no quick cure to make it go away.  There's no period of time when you can reasonably expect the anger to fade.  I know this because, even though professionally I function as a therapist (when I'm not being a SAHM) but because I have had my own afflictions with anger.

Along with anger comes bullying.  My youngest is full of anger.  She wields that anger like a light saber (I'm not a Star Wars fan so I hope I used that term right) and it completely disrupts the moods, attitudes, and lives of everyone in the home.  I've used various types of techniques to correct the negative behavior, the attitude, and the bullying.  I've sunk as low as some good old fashioned passive aggressiveness.  But not anymore.

Last night my husband, my daughters, and I had a family meeting.  In that meeting I laid it all out as honest and free of bull puckey as possible:  do you want to live her or not?  I then went on to say that living here comes with certain expectations that I am no longer willing to budge on.  In order to remain living here she will need to: treat all family members in the home with respect (watching tone of voice, the words she chooses, the non-verbal communication she expresses), she will no longer be able to talk to my 13 year old like she's been talking to her.  She is to treat everyone in my family (extended, friends, professional or strangers that come into our home) and people she meets on the street with respect whether she feels she owes it to them or not.  If she cannot abide by the simple rule of: do unto others as you would have them do unto you then this is not the right place for her and she will more than likely be moved to a third home.

I never wanted to pull this card.  I never wanted to dangle that carrot.  But I had to come to the realization that it's not a bait and switch tactic.  It's not a dangled carrot to entice a desired behavior.  It's simply the way it is going to be around here.  It's simply what we, as parents, are willing to accept.  It's a way of life that we demand.  It's the honest truth.  If she cannot or is not willing to accept the way this family engages with each other and others then she's not a good match for this family and we have to make a break.

I didn't tell her this to hurt her feelings or even compel her to comply to rules or expectations of which she does not wish to comply.  I told her this because if her personality is such that will not allow her to abide by the simple rules of this house then it's not a good fit.  If we're not happy she can't be happy either. 

She told us she wants to say.  She apologized to her sister.  She still had a good degree of attitude in her voice and words but I'm not expecting overnight miracles.  Today she's doing a lot better.  She's not 100% happy (I banned Facebook in the home) but she's not given me any reason to correct her tone, attitude, or behavior either.  She hasn't complained today.  I also talked with her counselor and demanded weekly sessions to get to the root of the anger.  I told the counselor what the expectations in this home are and I want to get to the point where we start to notice changes or we all need to come to an agreement that this isn't working.

She's such a bright, beautiful girl.  I told her this.  She's capable of so many things.  Deep down behind all the hurt, the anger, and the pain is a girl who just wants to feel safe, loved, and happy.  If I didn't see, honestly believe in my soul, that this girl didn't want for herself what we want for her then I wouldn't put any of us through these attempts at behavior modification.  But as idealistic as I am, I've had to come to the realization that even if she wants it worse than we want it for her, we still may not be the best people for her.   The technical term then would be to say we "failed." 

My husband and I set out on the journey to love children who needed a stable, happy, loving family where they could feel safe, secure, and happy.  We said from the beginning that we would never "fail" them.  But by not being honest about the problems we're facing and owning up to the most viable of options we have at our disposal then we will have failed.

Failure is an option.  If you're a foster parent long enough, a placement is going to fail.  It's okay for a placement to fail. What is not okay is to fail the child.  Failure is NOT an option when it comes to the happiness, safety, and well being of the child.  That's why, however harsh you feel I was (and I understand your judgment of me), I had to be honest with her. This placement may turn around and be the best thing for all of us, but it also may fail.  I have accepted that if the placement does fail it's not because we failed her.  I have come to a peace that if we come to the decision this placement is not in the best interest of all parties then I will accept the failure of the placement.  I will not allow my desire to help result in failing the child.  She's deserving of more than that. 

Within the deepest part of my soul, on the days when I have reached what feels like the breaking point of my sanity, I keep holding tight to the Word God spoke into my heart several years ago: For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11).  God's plans may not be for this placement to work but if the time comes to admit defeat, I trust I will feel that peace within and know I'm doing the right thing.  My prayer is that it doesn't come to that.  But my faith affords me the knowledge that whatever is in store for our future as a family, we do not walk alone.  We have been given a divine plan, a purpose, hope, and a future.

Post Placement Depression

Whenever a new mom has her baby there's often a period of time when she experiences depression--post partum depression.  I know it is often due to the sudden reduction/change in hormones but I'm sure it's also caused by reality not being as idealistic and glamorous as the dreams and the assumptions the expectant mother had prior to the birth.  In other words, there's a let down.

I've been a mom to two girls ages 12 and 13 for over a month now.  I love them dearly but things have been difficult on me.  Just the sheer adjustment of going from a family of just my husband and I to a family of four has been difficult.  But then there's the fact that what I expected to happen, my primary motivation over the past year of what I wanted to happen didn't.  We started this process for a son.  One little boy in particular. But we have two beautiful daughters. 

It's been difficult to adjust to hormones, moodiness, attitudes, and drama.  And given the fact we're foster parents we cannot leave them home alone and only individuals who have had sufficient background checks can assist us with child care, therefore, it's pretty much been me and the girls 24/7 for six weeks. 

I'm the kind of person that has to have some personal time and space when I'm alone and that's been difficult to come by.  Jeff and I haven't had a date in a long time.  So I have been having a hard time adjusting. 

I feel like I have post placement depression.  I expected to roll on into parenthood all easy like and that things would just gel and be amazing and I'd feel like a mom and I'd be so excited and wake up every morning like Mary Poppins.  When that didn't happen (because it was an unrealistic expectation) I began to question everything I've thought, wanted, prayed for, and worked for over the past couple of years.

I'm not saying I regret becoming a foster parent.  I'm also not saying there haven't been times when I've thought I regretted it. But I came to realize that much like an expectant mother, I built up the birth of my motherhood into some fantasy wonderland full of gum drops and skittles.  I was prepared to be a football mom to a beautiful African American young man born on Christmas day. 

I lost focus of my mission: to be a mom.  Just like much of how I've lived my life, I set my mind on something 100% out of my control and just assumed that's what would happen.  I knew that God had called Jeff and I to be foster parents.  BUT God called us for HIS reason not OURS.  He had two girls that He knew needed us as much as we needed them.  I needed to change my focus.  I needed MY vision to be clouded so that HIS vision could become clear.

I am slowly learning how to let go, let God.  It's hard for the controlling person that is typing this blog.  But I'm trying.

I love my girls.  I am glad Jeff and I pursued foster care.  I'm glad that even on the hardest days when I was ready to throw in the towel I didn't.  Parenting isn't easy regardless of how you become a parent.  But in the end, when you step back and look at what you've accomplished, take stock in the beauty that has come into your life, it makes dealing with the unpleasantness (attitudes/drama/sassiness) easier. 

I thank God for giving us this desire and for sending us these girls.  I pray He continues to be my strength and my guide through the difficult times.

Tomahawk Party of Four

Why, hello.  I'm still here.  I've been quite busy adjusting to life as a mother of two daughters.  Life is going okay here.  We're doing very well, quite honestly.  I love being a mother to these two girls.  They are so easy to love and care about!

Jeff is adjusting well to being a father of two daughters.  Neither one of them can date until they are 35.  :)

We are getting all settled in and adjusted and used to each other.  These girls will be with us for long term.  I don't know how long that will be because each is in a different stage of adjudication, but we gladly welcome them for however long they are here whether it's two/three months or forever. 

Being a mom is hard.  You constantly wonder if you're doing it right.  We took nine weeks worth of classes on how to nagivate the foster care system, what to expect (behaviors/court system/etc) but not really how to parent.  I guess we're no different from a couple who has a doctor hand them a newborn.  We'll figure it out as we go, but we do have a lot more support sources so that's a good thing.

I go to bed each night exhausted.  I wake up each morning exhausted.  And I don't have near the freedom or the money I had a month ago but I didn't have near the meaning in my life that I have now either.  That's way more important than sleeping late when you feel like it or having millions (or even hundreds I'm not greedy) in the bank.

We're going to start school shopping in the next couple of weeks.  One daughter is all kinds of excited while my other daughter is more shy but I know will tear up the mall when we go!! :)

When I take a minute and sit down and think about the journey Jeff and I had to take to get to where we are today I get tears in my eyes.  We had such a plan for our lives but what we didn't know was how much different God's plan was.  We bucked his plan and bucked it hard.  In the midst of the struggle to have a family we lost sight of what was important.

I have learned what no one could have told me years ago: I don't need a baby to be happy.  I didn't need to be pregnant and give birth to be a mom.  I didn't need to spend $30K we didn't have to be parents.  This hasn't been the easiest road but it's been the road that has been the best for us. 

Jeff and I are happy.  We are adjusting to life with teens.  Our girls seem happy.  Now, if you don't mind, I hear a hot shower calling my name.......