With God There Are No Accidents

So many times things seem to come together and often we think, "wow, how weird/crazy/awesome is/was that!"  Do you realize it wasn't an accident?  It wasn't a coincidence.  It wasn't happenstance.  It was God.

I don't want to go too far back into history but the more I attend church and the more I read my Bible and the more I pray and focus myself on being the person He created me to be, the more I'm seeing Him work in my life.

I have been fighting with depression or a long time.  Part of my testimony is how God literally saved my life back on 12/16/12.  I had been suffering from severe depression and the way my world was changing because of the changes my body had gone through as my RA has progressed.  I was losing what little bit of freedom/mobility/worthiness I felt I had.  I had begun to feel incarcerated by feelings of hopelessness, fear, anxiety, depression, and did I mention FEAR?  I became so disgusted each time I wanted to do something my body wouldn't allow.  Something that I had been able to do without so much as a thought three years before.  Constantly relying on a husband who is stressed and worthy of a wife better than I:  a whole woman who could have provided him a child.  Who doesn't need help opening drawers, jars, bottles, lifting milk jugs to pour milk on my cereal.  A wife who could work productively, travel, shop, cook for him, clean his house. A wife who didn't spend days on end in bed because she didn't have the strength to walk up the stairs to get to the bathroom so just settled to confine her existence into a 15x20 foot master bedroom.  

I remember sitting in my mom's living room right before Christmas in the lights of her tree talking to her and Jeff saying, "if it wasn't for Amelia and my family I would lay down and die.  I don't have a life anymore.  I'm frustrated.  I'm depressed.  I'm miserable.  I feel hopeless."  My mom responded, "I can understand how you feel that way."  Now, that wasn't to say that she was in agreement for me to kill myself.  She simply let me know that she understood HOW I could feel that way.  It was what I needed to hear.  I didn't need to hear, "now just stop that right now."  Or, "Don't talk like that!"  I just needed someone to validate MY feelings of anger and frustration.  

Now, to understand WHY it was that I had the hardest time of my life at this time of year you have to learn some history.  I miscarried our only child on 12/12/07.  The day before I turned 33.  I remember laboring in my bed with my mom at the foot telling me how surreal it felt that I, her daughter, was laboring 33 years to the day she was laboring with me.  That wasn't an accident.  But ever since then, Christmas, and my birthday, has come with a sort of delight in the season and the bittersweet pain of what could have been.  

This past Christmas I had had it.  We'd made the decision the Christmas before to be parents by Christmas 2012.  That experiment in foster care was a nightmare and, as I usually do, made the wrong decision in disrupting placements and lost both children in the process.  So, to me it was another year of not playing Santa, not knowing what it's like to go to bed excited for the morning.  Feeling like a couple and not a family. Meanwhile, I was becoming even more dependent upon my husband who works hard 40+ hours a week who comes home and cooks our meals, does our shopping, our laundry, our housecleaning and all I did was complain: I can't walk today.  I can't get out of bed today.  I'm depressed today.  I tried to clean the bathroom and it took me 30 minutes to figure out how to hold the toilet brush and scrub the toilet while sitting on the side of the bathtub.  I was tired of seeing the burden my wonderful husband had to carry because of me.  He deserved a better life.  And I knew the only way he'd ever get that better life is if I was no longer around and in my mind if I just went to bed and didn't wake up he'd be sad for a minute but he'd move on.  It's the nature of the beast right?

On 12/14/12, a day after my 37th birthday and having been in the hospital with an abscessed RA nodule, I began to formulate a plan.  I would wait. I had a plan that would go in effect on 12/17/12 after Jeff went to work and if it worked Jeff would've come home free from a wifely burden.  Sunday, 12/16/12 I woke up early because I heard someone say, "Get up, it's time to go."  I remember looking up and around and Jeff was no where to be found.  I rolled over and tried to go back to sleep.  What in the world am I doing up at 8am on a Sunday??  Then I heard it again, "I SAID GET UP AND GO.  I'M WAITING!" I got up out of bed and I said to Jeff, "I've got to go to church."  I honestly don't remember if Jeff went with me that day or not.  I remember the sermon: Don't Give Back Your Breakthrough.  The pastor was setting up his sermons for the new year and the new year was going to be about getting your breakthrough and keeping it.

I don't even remember what was said specifically that made me change my mind that day.  But I came home that day and as I sat on my bed, looking at my plan, I began to realize I was staring the devil right in his face. This plan WAS NOT the breakthrough the Lord had for me.  It couldn't be.  A God that loves me, who sent his OWN child to DIE FOR ME so that I could LIVE would NEVER have a plan for me to DIE.  And I remember thinking, "I know how it feels to lose a child.  I didn't sacrifice my son for anyone.  My body evicted  him because my body is broken.  But the core of me, the raw barren emptiness from the depths of my barren uterus began to comprehend what God gave up for ME.  For YOU.  So many have to see reenactments of the resurrection in order to appreciate what Jesus did for us, but to this mother who lost a child, it wasn't what Jesus did that spoke to me that day it was what God did.  Here I was still broken from so many things, especially the loss of my child and here is the man who not only allowed for His Son to be born but He created Him with the purpose of allowing Him to die.  It had to happen.  

As I sat there and thought about everything in my life, everything beating me down, I weighed the pros and cons.  Then it came to something this simple: IF someone had asked me to sacrifice my child so that he could have saved even one child, what would my answer have been?  Maybe my child was created to die.  Think about that a minute.  Maybe God knew I needed a way to come to Him.  To come to Him for REAL this time.  Not like all those other times when I thought I was there but I wasn't.  But for real come to Him.  Maybe our child's only purpose was for me to know how much love a parent has for a child and how much love my parents have for me and how much love my FATHER has for me.  I never got that moment where new parents see their child for the first time and fall in love.  I fell in love with a grayish blob on a screen and a thump thump thump of a tiny heart that I swear was the voice of angels singing.  I'll never forget calling my mother telling her I heard the heartbeat.  Her words of complete relief were, "OH THANK YOU JESUS!"  

It's hard to accept that two weeks later the thump thump thump would be gone.  Never to hear again.  I remember another call to my mom and her voice so full of pain, "OH Allison, are they sure?"  She  hoped with everything in her they were wrong.  They weren't.

I prayed, "If there's a God please let me know if I have a son or daughter."  On what would have been my due date I called the Children's Hospital asking how I could make a toy donation.When I made that phone call, I explained to the woman I wanted to make a "donation of toys in memory of my son."  My SON.  It was the first time I had referred to my child by gender.  

I'm sorry this is jumping back and forth but I have a point.  Jump forward to realizing while there was nothing I could do to bring back my son, I wasn't going to allow a man who sacrificed the loss of His Son so that I could live forever to be in vain.  My son's purpose was to help me see the way God moved.  

I decided that day to live.  Jeff and I rang in 2013 at church because that's the way we wanted to start this year.  Since then we've completed membership classes, we've become members, we've made new friends, and our faith has grown.  And my faith and my acceptance of Christ is real this time.  Since we made the decision to become a part of this church family God continues to reveal to me this is His perfect plan.  It's not an accident.

I continue to struggle with depression, anxiety, and thoughts of suicide.  I no longer have a plan.  I put off surgery for weeks because when it boiled down to it I was afraid of never waking up.  Afraid of dying.  I started to realize that I wanted to live.  I just need some help.  I'm seeing a Christian counselor and I will be seeing a psychiatrist next week.  .  

Today I had to go see my counselor and I had to force myself to go.  It took everything I had to overcome the fear of something horrible happening to me.  I hadn't been out of the house by myself in weeks.  I was scared and anxious.  But I got to counseling and I got home.  I hadn't been home more than 10 minutes when I received a text from my Pastor.  She wanted to know how I was feeling and I broke it down:

I admitted I was struggling with depression.  Notice what she responded: Bible study tonight was on Battle of the mind.  I ended up going and sharing just a little bit of how I've been feeling and as others began to share I realized that my fears, anxieties, and feelings where shared with others.  I found supportive words, hugs, sisters in the church hugging me and telling me "I love you."  

None of this was an accident.  God knew that one day there would be a time when His daughter would need to be ministered to by a real congregation of real people who experienced real life and who love anyway.  I feel so blessed.  

This whole long-winded blog is just a small part of the testimony of what the Lord has done in my life.  I didn't share this because I want to give too much insight into my life but rather because just as I found solace in others who have struggled or are struggling through battles of the mind, I want to be able to share it. Maybe something I wrote here will awaken something in someone and he/she can realize there's a place for you in the Church.  There's a body for you in the Church.  There's a kindred spirit for you in the Church.  Listen to God.  Let  Him lead you.  Allow yourself to become able to read between the Scriptural lines.  Read between the lines of what is being preached to see where you are in God's Master Plan.  Are you someone in awe of what Jesus did for you? Or are you also in awe of what God did for you?  

There are no accidents.  God is the only thing that remains true.  His word is the only medicine that can help heal.  That eases the pain.  And I want to thank Him for his divine and perfect plan.  I am here today because God made the sacrifice of His child and then He gave Pastor Leo the Word I needed the day the Lord sent me to Christian Love Ministries that saved my life. The Lord continues to let me know I'm in the right place because of texts like the one I got today from Pastor Regina.  Every spiritual need I've needed met has been met through this ministry.  There are no accidents.  Period.

A White Childless Woman's Take on the Zimmerman Verdict

Here I sit, wide awake, four hours after the Not Guilty verdict in the case of the State of Florida v. George Zimmerman.  I'm angry.  I'm sad.  I'm numb. I'm also white.  And over the last few weeks where I have watched the trial on a daily basis, glued to my iPhone until 9:59 PM when Judge Nelson walked out of the courtroom after a long day, I've developed feelings regarding the fact that I believed George Zimmerman to be guilty of manslaughter, at a minimum.

I have immersed myself into this trial, and for the fight for justice for Trayvon  Martin since February 26, 2012.  I have been on social media, mostly Twitter, rallying for justice.  Aligning with my African American followers in, what my foolish white privilege mistakenly identified as united in one accord.  Standing tweet-to-tweet with my black brothers and sisters fighting the same fight, feeling the same feelings, pronouncing the same grievances of injustice.  While it is from the deepest part of my heart I cry with the mothers of black sons who went back for an extra kiss and hug as they tucked their babies in bed tonight, and join in hang wringing nervousness of the mothers of black teen sons who were out on a Saturday night just trying to be kids, I realized, I cry for humanity but I can't cry in the same respect.  I can, and do, desire with all of my heart to be able to emphasize, but I never will know the fears that live in the heart of the mother of a black son.

My skin color is a barrier that affords me special privileges.  It affords me the ability to not know what it's like to be profiled by people in authority.  But it also affords me the inability to fully grasp the actions and notions that sicken me to my very core.  It prohibits me from fully realizing the fear that goes through the hearts and minds of parents of black children every day.

I had such high hopes.  It's 2013.  We elected a black man as President not once but twice.  But I'm also someone who spends a lot of time watching the news and there are a lot of white people of power and greater privilege than I who want their country back and apparently back to at least the Jim Crow south era if not the Civil War.  I abhor this with every fiber of my being; however, my skin color sets me apart as having to prove myself. I have to prove I'm not one of "those" white people.  At times it has been frustrating because I care so deeply about the civil rights and safety of my black friends, their children and grandchildren and all the Trayvon and Trayvona's of the country.  Tonight I realized something: so what.

Who am I to be so frustrated that I have to prove that I'm not a "creepy ass cracker" when I have the luxury of privilege Trayvon's family did not have?  Regardless of how hard I try or how much I desire, I will never know what it is like to be Sybrina Fulton and Tracy Martin.

We have a lot of work to do regarding race relations in this country.  The first step for those of us who do not understand the deeply ingrained fear, distrust, and anger that African Americans have, is to admit we will never understand. In order to unite this country and for there to be equality for everyone, those of us who do not know the sting of inequality aren't impotent of ability to help but we first have to admit we will never truly know how it feels.  My passion for equality comes from being raised to love as Christ loves us.  It comes from being a human being.  It comes from being a Christian.  But no matter how hard we try, we, as whites, can never ever understand how this verdict felt tonight to the African American community.

I cried when the verdict was read.  I had several phone calls I couldn't even answer.  I was angry and numb but  regardless of how emotional I got, as I scrolled through my Twitter TL I began to understand what I had been blind to before: I will never know the pain.

The tweets I read that turned my stomach and broke my heart gave me the greatest view of my privilege I've ever had.  I want to do something.  Most of my white friends want to do something too and I've come to the conclusion that in order to be productive we need to defer to those who know, who walk with the injustices of racism daily.  Show up, show your concern.  Show your love. Show your passion.  But also show your place.  There's room for all of us at the well but we have to realize that, in this fight, our place is where we are instructed it is and rightly so.

If you are white and you desire to help in the fight for civil rights and equality use your voice.  But don't get so ingrained in the desire to fight that you overstep your boundaries.  We cannot speak to the ills of which we have been protected from experiencing. We can't have a "been there, experienced that" conversation but we can show up and say, "I'm here because I love you and I desire to help.  How can I be of service?"  And then, help as you are able.

Let there never be another Travyon.  Let this be our mission.

The first place ALL of us can start is getting involved in the political process on the local level as well as nationally.  WV has a SYG law on the books.  Become involved in campaigning for people who seek to abolish this law.  Become proactive in getting your voice heard to demand this law be abolished.  We have to start somewhere to protect all of our children.

What are YOU going to do?

{Insert Witty and Sarcastic Title Here}

Praise the Lord, saints!

Things have been a little hectic around the Tomahawk household lately.  Where to begin??

My mother-in-law had "very significant sized" pulmonary embolisms in each lung with several smaller clots in each lung and was hospitalized for over a week.  She also had a DVT in her left leg.  She is older, 74 and doesn't bounce back quickly.  On the Fourth of July she was moved from the hospital to a nursing home for rehabilitation.  The goal was and still is to get her stronger so she can go home again.  However, she appears to be giving up.

She was having some cognitive issues in the hospital that concerned me but I was told over and over again it was the pain medication she was on and towards the end of her stay in the hospital she did seem to be more "with it" but my first, and sadly only, visit with her in the rehab facility showed a frail woman who was confused, very quiet, and frankly just pitiful.  Jeff and I both agreed she's giving up.

Her cognitive issues are back and I believe she may have had another stroke.  She fell over the weekend in the middle of the night trying to get to the bathroom.  She keeps insisting to Jeff's sister that someone keeps coming in her room in the middle of the night and decorating it.  It's sad.  My husband is very upset about this.  It will be 10 years next month that he lost his father and he's not ready to say goodbye to his mom yet.

I've been asking for people to pray for healing but at this point I now ask people to pray that God's Will be done. If that means she goes Home to Jeff's dad then it's better than watching her deteriorate like my grandmother has over the years.  But God's Will could be for her to get stronger and better and go home and live another 20  years.  I just want His Will done and I will respect and accept His Will.

Kidney Stoneapalooza 2013 continues.  I first went to the ER on 6/9/13 where I was diagnosed with two kidney stones and a minor UTI.  One week later on 6/16/13 I was back in the ER with a major UTI (I had been resistant to Cipro) as well as the two stones renting space in my body.  I was put on IV antibiotics and then put on a five day antibiotic.  I thought I was getting better until 6am this past Sunday 7/7/13 when I ended back in the same ER and this time I got more information: both stones are STILL THERE!!  One is still maxing and relaxing in my left kidney and the other one is taking his good ol time bouncing around my urinary tract without a care in the world.  I've compared it to the stone being on an intertube and floating through my UT as if it were a lazy river.  I, who didn't think I needed to see a urologist, will be seeing one Friday at 12pm because mama can't take this misery any longer!!!

Because of the Attack of the Stone, I had to postpone my starting date for my new job by a week.  I hated doing it but I'm just too miserable.  I can't focus to write a blog let alone learn how to do a new job!! :-)

My new job is very part time and in fact while it's what I really want to do, it may not give me the hours and pay I need to keep us in a better financial situation.  I've been hired to be a Crisis Counselor at a local hospital. I'm still looking for something that will pay Sallie Mae but in the meantime I'm going to focus on what I have and keep praying for the Lord to move me where I'm supposed to be.

I'm stuck on my weight loss journey.  I don't know how to get started.  Truthfully I don't have the drive to get started.  I'm praying on this also.

Members Only

On Sunday, June 16, 2013 my husband and I became members of our church Christian Love Ministries.  We are over the moon happy with what God has given us: each other, an amazing friendship and marriage, wonderful families, our salvation, and now an amazing church and church family.

I had been fighting kidney stones and I was in immense pain the morning we officially became members but I wasn't letting the pain keep me from something to important and meaningful to me.

There were several in our membership class but only three of us inducted on this particular Sunday (the others were inducted the next week).

My husband is to the left of me.  (sorry the pictures are blurry)

This picture means EVERYTHING to me.  To see my husband become a God fearing man who loves the Lord, loves the church and desired to become a member of our church is just a true testament to the Will and Power of God.

This photo is very blurry.  

Here we are making our commitment to follow God and that it is our desire to become members of Christian Love Ministries. (My husband again is the tall guy on the left!)

This picture is me giving my testimony.  I had so much more to say and maybe one day I'll give my whole testimony but it was a special time for me to let others know how God has blessed me.

Our pastors who have been with the church for four years.

I can't say enough about our Pastors and how they truly live how Jesus desires.  They are loving, understanding, honest, supportive, and really embody what it means to be a Christian.  

We are honored to be considered family at Christian Love Ministries.

Update

I really need to get better at this blogging thing.  I get here and see the same 10 followers, get discouraged and think, 'eh, no one's reading anyway' but if I continue with that attitude and never post I'll never gain followers, sooooo.......

Here's another General Update Post and I promise to get better with actually making this blog what I want it to be:

• I finally graduated from grad school and I now have the diploma to show for it.  Final GPA was 3.54. Go me!!  Final cost of all my education: well, lets just keep this positive!! :)
• I spent a month working a job that I thought I would love; however, I quickly realized two things: I don't want to help people out with their finances and my trainer was horribly rude and abusive.  She put me down in regards to my weight, my RA, my limitations, down to my eczema on my fingers which apparently gave her the "heebies."  Whatever.  The negativity and the manner in which she treated me beat me down to a point where I miserable.  My husband, parents, and counselor all told me to get out.  So, now I'm looking for work...AGAIN!  I just need to find that place where I fit in.  
• My husband and I became members of our church (I'm going to make that a separate post because it deserves it!!)
• Kidney Stones (yes...plural) sent directly from the Devil took me out of commission for roughly two weeks.
• If you are a fair complected Irish girl DO NOT FORGET THE SUNSCREEN.  It's been a week and I'm just now starting to look less like a lobster and more embarrassed.  Maybe next week I'll be pale again.  
• My mother-in-law has been hospitalized with "significant sized" blood clots, one in each lung with multiple smaller clots in both lungs as well as a good sized clot in her left leg.  It was scary for a day or two but through the power of prayer and modern medicine she seems to be doing better.  She's 74 so anything can be scary with her.

Well, that's the best I can update at this point.  I promise to blog more for all 10 of you!! :)

P.S. I have not proofed this so if it's a mess blame exhaustion :)

Hello

Monday Mashup

1. I graduated from grad school  That's right.  I'm now officially in more debt then I'll ever pay in my life.  I'm very proud of myself.  My family celebrate my accomplishment by holding a family weenie roast on Saturday.  We had a great time even some of my extended family came. I had a great time.

2. That means I got to spend a lot of time with Princess Amelia.  I love her.

3. I was offered AND accepted a new job: Starting May 16, 2013 I will be the new part time housing counselor at our local housing authority.  I'm very excited.  With  my RA full-time work is not possible at this time, and honestly may never be.  I REALLY wanted this position so I'm thankful for answered prayers and awesome people in my life who served as references for me.

4. I had a horrible RA flair today.  I think it's the rain that's setting in for the week.  I was so bad I only got out of bed to potty and shower and the shower/brushing my teeth part was sheer misery and almost impossible.  It took me 45 minutes to shower (oh how I wish I had a shower seat).  I actually cried REAL tears when I finally was able to squeeze the toothpaste onto the toothbrush.

5. I feel like I have so much more to say but honestly, between the pain medicine and benadryl I'm simply too sleepy to continue.

Until next time.....

Where Have I been?

Once again, I fell of the face of the earth.  Shoot I don't even know where I left off when I last posted. So, another bullet post it is!!

• I am four weeks away from obtaining my Masters in Human Services.  I'm so elated I can't even put it into words.  I changed my track from license-eligible (LPC) to this one because I already owe the Department of Education more than I owe First Green on the mortgage on my home.  So, until I get debt paid down, I'm running with what I can.  It's a HUGE accomplishment for me and I'm very proud of myself.
• We dove back into the foster parenting waters and while we thought we'd have our 10 year old son through June, the court on Friday said, "send him back to his dad!" And that's what we did.  We miss him. He was our first since November and he was amazing.  
• I left my job that I just started in February. It was not the place for me.  I had been asked to do something that was not only morally wrong but downright criminal.  
• We had our last membership class in church this past Sunday. I can't wait to become a full fledged member of Christian Love Ministries.  We love this church, the pastors, the other members.  It's just a place where we have grown.  My husband is a Christian now and we owe it to the pastors who provide a safe place to come to Jesus.
• I'm horrified by the happenings in Boston.  I pray for our nation daily.  So many on my FB are asking, "How can God allow this?" I have thought about this and the best answer I can fathom is, God never fails to show you who He is.  Sometimes He uses the miracle of a new baby to show how powerful He is and sometimes His power and greatness come out of things not so happy as brand new babies.  I believe that yesterday, in the midst of all that happened, a firm non-believer feel to his/her knees and uttered the only name that matters:  Jesus.  I believe people were delivered yesterday.  So while God didn't cause what happened yesterday, He even allows evil acts to show how great He is.
• I'm in the middle of applying for and interviewing for jobs.  I've had one offer that my husband and I really feel I should not consider.  I'd provide in-home parenting and life skills services to help prevent children from entering the foster care system or to help the parent regain custody of their children but the "What ifs" are too much for my husband to overlook:  what if I'm in the middle of the county and a man decides to come home with a gun to take his kids/hurt his wife and I don't have cell services?  Also with my immunity down because of the chemo I receive, being in people's dirty germy houses isn't ideal either. It involves a lot of driving and I'd only get paid for face-to-face time with my clients.  If I drive 45 minutes and they aren't home...I don't get paid.  
• I'm finally getting ready to do something about my weight.  Putting it off isn't getting any easier and I'm only getting fatter.
• Our Mountaineers play their spring game this Saturday we hope to go.
• Oh...most importantly...my husband and I will celebrate our 7th wedding anniversary Friday (more on this in another post!)

So, there you have it.  I do plan to carve out time in my day to make blogging a priority.  I miss having this avenue to work out my thoughts and share with y'all.  

And I want to get to know all of you so please: ask me some questions in the comment section and I'll do a vlog and answer them!!