Last Class

Sorry I haven't been around Blogger in awhile.  I've had a lot going on and opted to take a little hiatus from blogging.

It's been a busy week and it's only Tuesday.

Sunday J and I went to church and had a wonderful day.  Worship was amazing and the children's program was  adorable.  I can't wait to watch my children next year.  By Sunday afternoon I began losing my voice until I was completely voiceless from Sunday night through late last night.  Weird.  I didn't feel bad just lost my voice.  I guess my husband prayed for and received an Easter Miracle!!

Yesterday was my last Monday on the job.  I didn't have a voice and I had to whisper all day.  I also found it was "abuse the case worker because she's going to be gone" day.  I have been getting more and more of my boss' work on my desk over the course of the past couple of weeks but yesterday was when I reached my limit. I think the Lord took my voice so I wouldn't say what I was really thinking.  I didn't realize until a week ago that all the stuff she'd been putting off on me to do was what she was supposed to be doing.  Another employee said, "why don't you let her do her job?"  So yesterday, when I was running around like mad and she talked on her cell phone, texted, and shopped on eBay all morning, I was pretty hot.  She kept saying, 'before you leave me forever, I need you to........"  So, I got it all done yesterday, took my personal things with me and left my key in an envelope in my desk drawer.  I wasn't sure when I left yesterday if I was going back or not and around 7:30 this morning I emailed her that I would not be back and how I left upset and frustrated (didn't elaborate) and that I had made the decision to be finished.  She texted me and said, "damn, I didn't know you were so unhappy here."  Which isn't the truth.  I wasn't always unhappy.  She became unhappy with her job and instead of doing it anyway, she started giving it to me.  She was using me, and after she found out I was leaving it got worse and honestly, I'm all for quitting responsibly but I'm not for being abused.

I had big plans for the day of what rooms I was going to clean in the house and what all I was going to get done and I woke up with a mighty nasty migraine so I spent the day in a cool, dark room fighting it.  It's finally gone!!!

Then this evening we had our last foster parenting class:  crisis intervention.  Now all we have left is to get our CPR/First Aid and our home safety inspection and we're ready for kids!!

We'll get a little bit of a "baptism by fire" this weekend.  Another foster family has something scheduled this weekend that was scheduled way before they became licensed as foster parents and needed parents who can keep them for the entire day Saturday and morning Sunday.  I didn't want to say yes.  In fact, even though I finally said yes, I'm still not 100% happy about it.  The ages: 1, 3, and 5.  The minimum age we'll accept as foster parents? 8 (and that's pushing it!)

I know I'm not the best around kids between the ages of 2-6/7.  I don't tend to have a lot of patience and if I'm being completely honest, I don't like little kids.  Give me a teenager who can tell me to F off over a little kid throwing a temper tantrum.  I much prefer a child I can reason with over one I have to accept will "grow out of it".  I know.  I sound like a horrible non-maternal person but it's who I am.  My niece?  She's 15 months and a piece of cake.  She's the sweetest little thing who I've never ever seen melt down or throw a fit.  I could spend all day with her and babies like her but she's extra special.  Most babies are not like our Mils! I just haven't universally had success with young children.  But I've called in reinforcements and I'm going to get some cheap toys (which I'll donate to the agency for the visitation room) and we'll get through it.

I'm not as nervous as I was before.  I can't explain it but I'm not.  I'm starting to define my discipline style and I'm starting to feel less pulled in many directions.  I don't have the weight of a job hanging over my head so now I can focus on one thing:  getting ready to be a parent.  And I'm really liking that role!!

(I apologize if this has spelling and grammar errors.  I'll catch them and correct them tomorrow.  I'm tired and going to sleep!!)

Trust Me...

Initially we started this process to adopt R, a 13 year old boy born on Christmas Day looking for a forever family.  Then our feelings morphed into foster parenting while still planning to adopt R.  The night of our very first meeting with our social worker we went to the state's adoption web page and expressed interest in adopting R.  It's been almost two months and we hadn't heard anything at all.  So last week I asked our SW, "does that mean we weren't chosen?"  So he got the name of the woman I had emailed about R and was able to track down R's worker and yesterday my phone rang.  We only have a very limited amount of information but we're not out of it yet but we're not in it yet either.  There is a family in the northern panhandle of the state who has also expressed interest in R.  R's social worker asked for our home study which won't be finished until the very end of this month.  I don't know if that will affect our chances or not.  I don't know if we're out of it or not.  I don't know if I should let go of my dream or not.  We will be getting R's social summary.  That's when we'll learn about his situation and circumstances.

I keep thinking that since he's from here locally, why if when given the choice to stay in this area or relocate two hours away, would he choose the other family?  Given his age, R will have a choice.  I so badly want to yell into the universe, "We have a room we've decorated and put together with YOU in mind.  Please choose us!" 

The best we can do, the best anyone can do is pray that we become a family.  This is where I need to grow in my prayer life.  I still pray for the things that I WANT and not for God's Will.  That's hard to do. My husband will be the first person to tell you that I don't submit to ANYONE.  I don't like to take direction and I have issues with authority. :)

I feel entitled to R.  Why?  Especially given I know nothing about him but the beautiful mocha color of his face, his deep brown eyes, and his boyish charm?  Because I am infertile.  Because I suffered through fertility treatments yielding me baby weight and a heart broken into pieces via miscarriage.  Because I can't lay down and make a baby like other women so I already decided that since I've already had to suffer so much I am entitled to whatever family I want.  Pretty shitty of me isn't it?

At least that's how my silly mind rationalizes things.  But in my heart I know that I have gotten this far by nothing else other than the grace of God.  God has provided me with EVERYTHING, even the painful lessons that grew my heart, spirit, and soul in ways I never could have imagined.  Why do I have so much trouble submitting to the Will of the God who has sustained me through the unimaginable?

I guess I never got that far in Sunday School since I am a Sunday School drop out.  I know God is merciful and He alone will make my family what is in HIS plans.  I have clung to Jeremiah 29:11 for the past six years:  "I know the plans I have for you, declared the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to hurt you."  It's the only verse I know by heart other than John 3:16.  I know that the picture of my family in my head may not be the Will of God for my life. 

I have to take a leap of faith in this whole endeavor.  I have to trust in God.  I have to trust in my husband.  I have to trust in myself. I have to trust in my family. I have to trust in my social worker.  I have to trust in the judicial system.  It's a lot of trust and for someone who doesn't trust easily, I don't know if I have enough trust to go around.

As we get closer to the end of our training and closer to licensing I get more and more anxious.  I'd be lying if I told you I wasn't scared but I'm not scared:  I'm petrified.  But I know I can do this.  I just have to be flexible and not allow my heart to get fixated on a situation until it happens.  Easier said then done. Easier said than done.

Schadenfreude

Have you ever heard of the Broadway play Avenue Q?  It's hilarious.  It's like Sesame Street for grown ups utilizing puppets and tackling such subjects as homosexuality, racism, how being a grown up sucks, etc.  One of the songs is about Schadenfreude, the German word for happiness at the misfortune of others.  I'll embed the youtube video of the song at the end of this post

You may be thinking, what in the world is this crazy woman talking about.  As my husband and I were eating dinner tonight and I was casually checking the Twitter while watching some NBA game on the flat screen on the wall of the restaurant while also writing out my list of items that must be cleaned/completed/bought before the children come home and I realized something horrible:  the very day I become a mom will be the happiest and most exciting and scary day of my life. I won't be a "mom" in the sense of a child looking to me as the greatest person alive kinda of way, at least not at first, but I will be a mom in my heart and I will be elated. 

On the other hand, my elation will come from the complete and utter misfortune of the children in my home.  They will have been removed from the only family they have ever known.  They will be in a new place filled with strangers, a different house, a different street, a different school, with absolutely nothing familiar.  How can I  be excited and happy to welcome these children into my home while they are petrified and have suffered abuse and neglect in a way I'll never comprehend?

I started getting really upset thinking about will this foster-to-adopt journey ever bring me what I want:  a family to call my own?  Will I ever be called "mom" sincerely from a kid or two or even three? It's scary but it's also disheartening that my happiest and most exciting day will come from something horrible and scary for the children.

Please don't get me wrong.  I'm not taking pleasure in their pain, but I am beginning to realize that I will have a mix of emotions that includes being so happy they are with me while also realizing that this, the greatest time in my life, comes courtesy of the worst time in theirs.  Something to think about.

The video is not to make light of the situation but rather to lighten my mood.  I won't be taking pleasure in the pain of these children but I will be so happy to have them here.  And for that, I feel a little bit guilty.

9 Days and Counting

I have nine days of work left as we're off this Friday for Good Friday.  We won't be licensed until the first of May at the earliest so why am I quitting so soon?  Because I need to prepare myself. 

I need to take some time and go through every.single.room in my house and rid it of the past, of junk, and make it feel homey and happy.

I need to take some time and get into a routine of getting up early, exercising, making breakfast, doing my daily cleaning chores, and getting in the habit of day-to-day operations of a home.

I need to refocus my thoughts and feelings.  I need to get centered and develop a routine of daily meditation and Bible study.

I need to focus on myself, my husband, and our child/ren. 

I don't even want to finish those 9 days.  I hate two weeks' notices.  You've already checked out, aren't invested, and still have to trudge through your day as if you care when everyone knows you don't.  I'm also rather sick and tired of my boss leaving her work for me to do so she can spend the rest of these 9 days ebay shopping before she has to work again.

I'm thinking of making a private, invitation only blog (in addition to this one as this one will always be "open to the public") to give me a place where I can be more open and talk about more pressing issues. 

Overslept for church today.  In fact my allergies have been so bad today I've done a big ol lot of nothing.
Wow this blog has turned into a big ol boring something-or-other hasn't it.  Perhaps I should come back when I have more uplifting things to say.

Me No Likey The New Blogger Format

Okay, now that I got my only complaint out of the way in the title, what's new here?

I quit my job today.  Yesterday my boss and I had a very nice talk.  I called up a local after-school program that has a summer program for six weeks in the summer that would have allowed me to work a couple days a week while the kids attended as Jr. Volunteers who got to go places like the local wave pool, water parks, and other fun field trips while having reading and math retention lessons.  We discussed me going to two days a week during the summer (possibly three which was one more day then I wanted) and then go back to my full 29 hours in the fall.  I left work yesterday thinking, "I got this!"  But I didn't.

Last night was Pride class 7 and I asked our SW, "how do your other families who have kids the age group we're taking do the summer months with limited child care options?"  His answer was simple:  they don't.  None of his foster families that have children in the teen ages have two working parents.  One parent works at an outside job and the other is the primary caregiver.  It was then I started to think, "I need to quit."

I've never been a mom before.  I have no idea what it takes to be a mother.  I'm also a grad student.  I'm also a part time employee and a wife. I'm also a person living with RA.  I am a person who thinks she can do everything without thinking that she has limitations.  I have limitations.  I need to accept that and not take on too much.

So today, when my boss went out to the post office and the bank, I slapped a post it on my resignation letter and slapped it on her desk.  When she came back, I was sitting in the dark (I had a horrible migraine) with my Nook open trying to stay awake and I think she knew.  She made a comment about giving her a gift (meaning my Nook) and I said, 'Um yes" then she looked at me and knew what was waiting for her and she said, "um, no".  I literally wanted to cry and throw up at the same time.  I've never hated quitting a job so much in my life.  I left shortly after just too sick from my headache and remorse to finish the day.  I came home and slept for five hours and felt a lot better.

My Chicken Shit way of quitting

My attempts at an artistic photo while having double vision and nausea.

After coming home sick trying to keep the light away.

This is the strangest time in my life. We think we know what to expect but at the very same time we know we have absolutely NO idea what we're getting into.  None. We got a social history on a young lady we were considering expressing interest in to adopt.  We were surprised to know our SW already had some general idea of this child.  Unfortunately, it is not a situation we can commit ourselves.  My heart broke for her.  My heart has been broken so many times over the two months we have been taking classes.  I know my heart will continue to break many many times in bigger and more hurtful ways through this process but it will be worth it in the end.  I know this.  My husband knows it.  And while we're scared silly, we're ready for it.

Fairy wings hanging from the ceiling of the local 50's-60's diner.  Photo op too good to pass up!

And who wouldn't want to parent with this dude?  What kid wouldn't love to have this dude as his/her father?

I Quit Na Na Na Boo Boo

Here I sit, at my desk at work and on the hutch beside me is my letter of resignation. 

March 27, 2012

Major Daniel T
Heather H.

It is after much prayer and thought that I have reached the decision to resign my position as part time case worker effective Friday, April 13, 2012.  I am about to enter into a time in my life when I need to shift my focus from being an employee to being a mother, as this has always been my dream.  I have enjoyed my time here at The Salvation Army and upon accepting the position I did not have any idea my time here would be for such a short period of time.

I would love to be able to support The Salvation Army through volunteering and definitely intend to do so.  Please keep my name and number on file for those times when you need someone to fill in or need that extra volunteer.

Thank you for all the support you’ve given me and for making The Salvation Army a wonderful place to work.

Sincerely,

Allison T.

So there it is.  It's printed, signed, but not yet sealed and delivered.  She knows it's coming even though I, like a playa, led her on to think I would stay, but deep down I think she knows I'm outtie.

Now, if I can just get up the nerve to walk it 20 feet and slap it down on her desk.

Thinking Like A Mom

I had a slight anxiety attack this afternoon and, as usual, my mom knew exactly what to say.  For the first time in forever I felt like a grown ass woman even though I was kinda crying like a baby.  I honestly felt the support of my mom through a phone call.  It felt good.  Please don't read that to mean she wasn't/hasn't been supportive because she has but today was EXACTLY what I needed.

We are/were in the market for a bigger car to accompany our expanding family; however, I have had some anxiety over the situation.  I mean the material side of me wants to drive a shiny new car off the Hyundai lot  next month just like my parents and brother/sister-in-law have done this month; however, we are paying off all of our credit card debt freeing up a sizable amount of money from Mr. T's salary allowing me to be a SAHM.  Thinking today about quitting my job (that's a whole other issue) and realizing that I have been working to make ends meet because of this massive payment we've been making and how we're going to be getting into a $400 a month car payment made me scared.  Down right anxious. 

So over Mr. T's birthday dinner I just came out with it like word vomit:  "We can't buy a car."  Mr. T looked rather panicked but I explained that until we learn what our monthly budget will be with our children we can't get into any new debt.  Once we see how much our regular monthly expenses increase and what we have financially to work with, then by all means let's go buy a SUV but until then, I just can't. 

My boss does not want me to quit working; however, after going over and over it in my mind and talking to my mom today who reminded me that I will only have a VERY SHORT time with my babies before they will be leaving the nest it is important that I be home with them. We don't need my part time income.  When I think about how the extra money would be nice, I then think: $8.00 an hour for 29 hours a week v.s. spending time with my babies.  Well, there's no contest.

So, tomorrow I have to go into work and do what I have intended to do since last Friday and stick to it.  I'm going to resign.  I'm going to leave my position even though I've only been in it for three months, to fulfill the dream that has been in my heart since I met my husband.

There's no amount of money, no fancy car, nothing is more important that getting the chance to be a mother.

I love my mom.  Her example is what's going to make me a good mom.  And her willingness to listen to me cry through my fears on the phone proves how wonderful she's going to continue to be as I walk into parenting with my eyes wide shut.