A Week and A Few Days Out

and we're still feeling at peace with our decision to stop fostering, at least for the foreseeable future.  We are really enjoying being a couple again.  The longer we go without children the more we seem to close the door on being parents.

There's a part of me that says, "if we just try boys ages 7-10 maybe things could/would be different."  But right now I'd have to talk my husband into trying again.  He's pretty much relieved to have our freedom back.   And of course less responsibility is awesome.

There's also my health to consider.  I just had my chemo infusion today which means I saw my doctor.  I don't know if I mentioned this in previous posts, but I had been having some severe pain/swelling/redness/warmth in my right elbow.  Found out it wasn't an infected joint (Praise Jesus!) and it wasn't gout (woot woot!) but rather I've begun to develop Rheumatoid nodules.  The chemo is supposed to be preventing them.  The doctor said there's chance it may be absorbed into my body; however, everything I've read from Dr. Google says otherwise.  I think my doc was trying to give me a positive spin.  My worry: other than looking like a freak-a-zoid with outwardly deformed joints?  The fact these nodules will show up in my lungs.

This past weekend we went down to my brother/sister-in-law/niece's house to celebrate my SIL's bday. My niece continues to blow my mind and melt my heart. I wish I could spend more time with her.

Wow. Left this post as a draft four days ago. Better post it huh?

Empty Nesters

Well, it's officially been two days since we rejoined the ranks of childless married couples.  I'm going to be very honest with you, it feels amazing.  And this isn't something I feel alone, my husband is also enjoying our new found freedom.

If you were to ask my husband (and I have often since Monday at 10am) if he thinks he'd like to try fostering again, he will tell you no.  I still have a lingering pull to have the family I wanted.  Well, let me rephrase that: I still have a lingering pull to have children; however, what I came to realize about myself is that I have the family that I do want, at least for right now and maybe forever: I have my husband, our dog, cats, and my parents, and my brother and his beautiful wife, and my adorable niece, and my dear friends who are very much my family.  I'm enjoying my life right now.

What happened you ask?  Well it was a mix of things.  Here in another year I'll be finished with grad school and I will be a Masters level therapist and as much as I love counseling people, I learned I don't enjoy doing it 24/7.  I learned that while I was able to be successful working with foster children in the capacity of a social worker, I had no idea how much, how hard, it would be to do that work 24/7.  The fights, the fears, the anger, the resentment (both on the part of the kids and my own resentment of the work/loss of freedom), and the liability.

We were hit right out of the gate with teenagers.  Teenage girls.  I never wanted girls but was so happy to get the referrals that I jumped at them.  If, and that's a capital I-F, we ever accept another referral it will not be for girls and the ages will go down to between 7-10 when the children will be a little more flexible with discipline and hormones aren't raging.

I also realize I may never get to the point where I want to accept another referral.  Ever.  And I have to tell you, I'm okay with that.  I always had a "the grass is greener on the other side" approach to life and I have found that yes, the grass may be greener but it's because the other side has more fertilizer (read: shit) and needs cut more often than then the less green grass I was running from.

Yes, my husband and I were good parents.  Some of our friends and family said we were great parents though I don't think it's wise to get carried away.  I learned I don't have a very mothering maternal side.  Especially when I had to deal with a sick child.  If I'm being honest, I was more disgusted with having to take care of sick children.  Not because I didn't like them but as a chemotherapy patient I have to worry about everything, the smallest of colds can get away from me and cause me to end up in the hospital.  I found myself so much more afraid of getting sick then I was focused on getting them well. 

I don't miss the fighting.  I don't miss being screamed at.  I don't miss being lied about, to, and on.  I don't miss being cursed at.  I don't miss wondering if tonight is going to be the night she runs again.  I don't miss worrying about running into biological parents/siblings.  I don't miss not feeling comfortable in my own house.  I don't miss locking up all my medications.  I don't miss trying to find a sitter when I needed a break and how limited my sitter options were because of the rules of state.  I don't miss a social worker who was a complete and total waste of salary for the agency. I don't miss mood swings. I don't miss the looks from the public whenever one of the girls would sass-mouth me in public. I don't miss the feelings of depression I was having.  I don't miss my own anger and frustrations with "why isn't this working?"  I don't miss parenting.

I miss giggles from happy days.  I miss feeling like I was helping someone have a better life.  I miss feeling like maybe, just maybe, someone might call me mom.  But I also miss having extra money to spend on my niece.  I miss being able to visit my parents, especially when my brother and his family come in, and stay as long as I want without having to entertain someone. 

I look at my husband and I see that as long as I have him to lean on and love and his support and love I have more than enough.  I have two parents who are healthy, a brother and sister who gave me a niece who brings such joy to my life, a warm home and friends who would walk through fire to support me (and trust me in the last four months they have).  I have salvation from a mighty and loving God.  I may not have 100% of my health, but in just the two days I've had without the stress of parenting my health has greatly improved.  Depression, anger, frustration, and desperation are powerful forces that are so negative and destructive on every facet of life.

So, after four months of fostering and four weeks of going back and forth as to whether or not this was for us, we have found maybe not.  We haven't 100% closed the door on trying again (unless they choose not to work with us again because I pretty much demanded the child be moved within three days and I got pretty nasty at the end).  But right now, we are okay.  We are happy.  We aren't even considering revisiting the notion of continuing to foster or letting our license expire until after the first of the year.

The Way We Were

I have reached a point of no return and I seriously mean it this time.  Our time as foster parents will come to a close within the next three to four days, at the most. 

I have held on and held on because I have felt a tremendous amount of guilt.  Guilt that if it didn't work with us the child would be placed in a residential facility.  I don't wish that on anyone.  That's why I have continued to bang my head against the wall with little to no change all the while longing for my life pre-foster parent life.

I miss my old life.  I know this is a common thing that many parents go through and I never wanted to look at foster parenting as an easy way out; however, I had a realization as I was getting cursed out for the millionth time that I do have an easy way out.  Although it's not that easy. 

If I had my way I would pack her up while she's at school tomorrow and tell the foster care agency to pick her up from school and be done with this whole fiasco.  We're giving them until Monday at the latest.  And this time my husband is 100% on board.  Before he didn't want to give up the dream.  I long since abandoned the dream. 

I don't know what I expected.  I know what I hoped would happen and we all know that hasn't happened not a single time.  Do I chuck this up as a personal failure?  No.  I don't.  I gave 200% of myself for this.  What happened is we have a child who doesn't want help.  She doesn't appear to want a family, love, affection, or any kind of stability.

I'm a counselor.  I know all the pyschobabble and mumbo jumbo. I know she's probably never experienced real love and doesn't know how to accept it and how it scares her, blah blah blah.  There's only so much of that I can allow to explain the complete and utter abusive behavior we've experienced.  Today was the tipping point.  We had already made the decision to dissolve the family prior to the tonight's outburst.  But tonight's outburst sealed the deal.  I no longer feel a connection.  There's no relationship there anymore.

I feel so bad for being so blunt. But honestly that's where I'm at.  I don't want to do this anymore.  I no longer feel the pull to be a mother.  I realize that I enjoyed my life 200% better and I was unable to see it because I was so focused on what I didn't have than on what I really had.

So, this is the last weekend we will have a child in the home and I cannot tell you how wonderful that feels.  Maybe we'll go back and foster again, but honestly, I don't see that happening.  I praise those of you who can foster, but it isn't right for everyone and it most certainly, at least the two children we've had, isn't right for us.

Disjointed, Disconnected, and Disappointed

I have no idea where to start this. I'm not happy.  I'm not happy at all.  I'm ready to throw in the towel and go back to "my life."  A life that I thought was missing so much that I had to go and mess with it only to realize I miss the old life more than I enjoy what I thought I was missing in my new life.

I never wanted kids until I got married.  I never *really* wanted kids until I couldn't easily have them. I never *had* to have kids until I couldn't have them.  Now that I've had the chance to be a mom I have to honestly say, other than a few instances, I'm not enjoying it one bit. 

Maybe it's the age I started with.  We started with teenagers right out of the box.  Teenagers suck.  Harsh? Maybe.  The truth? Absolutely.  Teenage girls. Don't get me started.

I feel so ungrateful when I complain how unhappy I am.  I get friends telling me how this is such a blessing and I'm doing such a good service.  I get people who are brazen enough to think they know what I think, how I feel, and what I want and don't have any issues with telling me these things.  9/10 they are wrong.

We've had little to no help from the social worker assigned to our home.  She's more often than not clueless.  Lyric has no desire to speak to her and the SW just sort of sits here and I do all the talking.  I have to do the therapy (of which Lyric has not had since 9/11).  I bitch and bitch and bitch but yet I get no where.

Then I find more and more little ways in which I've been lied about.  Ways that center around neglectful behavior: I get mad when she calls home sick from school (the latest) or I forbid her to see the school nurse.  These little things probably don't cause any of you to think, "well, that's just shitty" but the truth is how long until one of these little lies turn into bigger lies that effect my husband or I and ruin our lives?

She's got the mentality that she has a team of workers who are at her beck and call and every time I try to institute rules in this house she's got to call someone and complain because she doesn't have "freedom" and "space."  She's 13.

I'm at a loss.  I'm a very liberal parent.  I'm not overly strict.  So it really pisses me off when I get "tattled" on when I try to discipline her. 

I'm going to give therapy a chance.  But if by the first of the year we haven't seen any positive changes then I'm going back to my old life: happily married to my best friend.  This entire ordeal has been very difficult on my marriage. And that's the ONE thing I refuse to allow go south.

Rocky Roads

And I'm not talking about ice cream.  Things around here have been very difficult this week.  Of course I'm not going into specifics but suffice it to say we've experienced our first major hurdle in foster/adoptive parenting. 

The positive: we survived it.  The negative: I have worries I didn't have three days ago.  The positive: after a two hour meeting with the social worker things are patched up. The negative: I allowed myself to get into a power struggle with Lyric. The positive: I think we're back to normal. The negative: I've lost some trust with her. 

Yesterday I was emotionally, physically, psychologically exhausted.  I'd had only 6 hours of sleep in 48 hours and I had been smarted off by a "I'm Grown and know it all 13 year old" but also by a "I'm wearing a gun and a badge so I know what I'm talking about police officer."  I literally spent 5 hours on the phone between three social workers, my mother, my best friend, and my husband trying to make things better.  Next thing I know: she and I are fighting because she wants to think she's grown.  She doesn't trust us because we have lost trust in her.  She doesn't like us because she's chosen to take what happened, put her own spin on it, and refuse to face reality. 

We had an emotional night of talking it out.  When she said that she didn't have a father my husband instantly teared up.  We were talking about being her parents and not trying to take anything away from her mother and father.  She meant she's never really had a father but it came out wrong and shattered my husband's heart.  After two hours of back and forth and me doing more talking than anyone else in the room (what else is new?) I made Jeff tell Lyric who was now sitting on the couch between the SW and Jeff how he felt.  He was very resistant. It wasn't normal for him to have his parents tell him he loved them so I knew this was hard but in the middle of convincing him to tell this little girl how he feels about her, I got tearful for the 4,539,239 time and made him.  He told her he loves her and can't imagine having any other daughter than her. 

It's going to take awhile before she is able to accept unconditional love.  It's an extremely foreign concept to her.  We know she's testing us.  We knew this day would come at some point.  We have to make sure we don't take her attacks and resistance personally.  This is very hard to do especially when we have so much invested in her: so much emotion and love.

We'll make it.  One day at a time.  But I kindly ask, Jesus please take the wheel because I'm unable to drive under the influence of emotion.

Pray for us.

What's Happenin?

Long time no posting.  Things have been organized chaos here at the T household.  Where to start.   Is everyone okay with a bullet post??  No? Well, you're going to have to learn to deal with disappointment!

• The last time we met, Lyric had been in the ER with pneumonia.  I am  happy to say that she is 100% better.
• Because of reasons I haven't gone into here in Bloggerville, we are now a three person family.  Sophia has gone to live with another foster family.  The decision to ask for her to be removed wasn't an easy decision but it was the best decision.  I struggled with the decision for a very long time (even though she was only here three months) I really did struggle for a long time knowing that she was not a good match for our parenting styles and the other personalities in the home.  The day we packed her up and moved her was very difficult but we've fallen into a new groove and we're all doing well.
• Lyric started and has since decided to stop going to gymnastics.  Today was to be her fourth class but she talked to me and said that right now she feels like she's going through enough and would like to hold off on gymnastics until maybe the summer.  I do believe that it did not appear that her heart was in it and right now her grades and adjustment are more important that cartwheels and back handsprings.
• My husband's company has purchased over a million dollars worth of new equipment that he will be responsible in implementing, maintaining, and training all staff how to use. To say he's stressed out would be like saying peas taste like skittles.
• I'm two weeks away from the end of the first term of my classes and right now I have As in my classes and two HUGE papers to write. In fact, I'm supposed to be reading research articles for my paper on treating children with PTSD right now but I'm blogging instead.
• Lyric has been asking to volunteer at the local humane society.  She's also been asking for a puppy but a kitten would work since we cannot have a puppy.  We *could* have a puppy but a) I don't want to go through the puppy stage again any time soon and b) our dog is 10 and does not like other dogs.  She's reached the old bitchy woman stage of doghood.  I think she and I are going through The Change together.
• Lyric volunteered for the first time yesterday at the humane society. 
• Snickers, a 12 week old calico joined our family yesterday.
• That makes seven cats.  Snickers joins her siblings: Lola, a stinky fluffy hairy dog whose big fluffy tail making for the best.kitten.toy.ever, and feline siblings: Yetta, Naomi, Vegas, Punkin, Marvin, and Farty. 
• We're checking Craig's list for a partridge and Home Depot for pear trees.
• My health is borderline right now.  As I've mentioned before I have RA and I take chemotherapy in two forms: IV and pill.  My IV form has been increased as much as possible and my pill form had been reduced but increased again.  I'm on a new medication to keep the chemotherapy from stressing out my liver, kidneys, and to help keep my hair from falling out. 
• I have a CT scan in the morning because I've lost almost all my hearing in my left ear and it has been congested and oozing nasty stuff for a month now.  The ENT I saw believes I need a tube inserted (I had them when I was six until I was 15 and they were surgically removed) and the CT scan is because he is worried the RA has begun affecting the bones/joints of my ear.
• I've been researching a diets to help my health.  I need a diet for weight loss; however, I need more of an elimination diet that eliminates foods that may be causing the horrendous eczema outbreaks I've been having as well as controlling the inflammation in my body.  Weight loss will be a byproduct but for once in my life isn't the sole reason for dieting.
• Our WVU Mountaineers are 4-0 and are EXPLOSIVE! We just recently joined the Big XII and are doing pretty well.  We play Texas Saturday so we're nervous but still believing here in Mountaineer Nation.
• This Saturday we will be waking up at 4am and on the road by 5 am to take Lyric and her brother Brady* to a pumpkin festival in Milton WV.  I'm praying that my RA won't be too much of a bother because I know a lot of walking is involved. 

Well, I think that covers it.  My attempts at avoiding work on my paper isn't helping me keep my A so off I must go.


*Not his real name.

First Time For Everything

Last night (or very early this morning however you choose to look at it) was my very first rushing-a-sick-kid-to-the-emergency-room-scared-shitless experience.

Lyric had been treated a two weeks ago today for a sinus infection with a 10 day course of antibiotics that she completed.  Friday I get a phone call asking me to come pick her up and hour early because she felt as if she had a UTI and was in pain and not feeling well.  Because our doctor does not have Friday hours, I took her to the local quick care clinic.  They evaluated her and while her urine did not show any sign of infection, they gave her an antibiotic and sent her urine away for a culture.  We got her antibiotic filled the next day. 

Roughly an hour or two after her first antibiotic pill, she vomited. We deduced she vomited from the antibiotic and told her since her urine didn't show infection that she could try taking a second dose or wait to see what the culture revealed. I don't believe in giving antibiotics if there's no infection.

Sunday I woke up with a terrible cold and I'm going on a week of fighting a weird ear infection where my ear is constantly clogged with yellow gunk running out of it so given my immunosuppressed state (thanks Chemo!) I stayed in bed all day.  I finally joined the family around 7:30pm and Lyric, my husband and I watched a movie.  Lyric was fine.  She had small complaints of achiness and just not feeling well. 

Within a matter of minutes Lyric went from asking questions about a movie to almost panting/hyperventilating.  She would not answer questions, she was shaking and I knew something was very wrong.  I first thought it was a panic/anxiety attack.  When Lyric did speak she'd just say "can't breathe" and "my heart hurts."  We all changed our clothes as I ran through "do I call an ambulance or do I just take her to the ER?"  Figuring it would take longer to get an ambulance, we put her in the car and off we went. 

I kept trying to talk her through slowing her breathing. It wasn't working and I was panicking myself so I told Jeff to talk her to normal breathing.  We pulled into the ER parking area and rushed her in to sign in.  She was still taking very quick shallow breaths and they moved her immediately to triage.  Her O2 and BP were okay but her heart rate was 155.  I almost hit the floor. 

Over the course of four hours we went from talking her through breathing, getting an iv, EKG, chest xray, CT scan to rule out a PE and then we waited.  Jeff was in and out of the room because Sophia was in the waiting room and it was after midnight on a weekend. 

I explained to the nurse that Lyric has not had very positive experiences with hospitals in the past and she has dealt with more in her life than most people could imagine or comprehend.  She said Lyric may be using a panic attack in order to gain attention and not to be surprised if she was do this in the future.  I kindly but sternly told the nurse, "you're a nurse and you know medical stuff. I'm a therapist so I know mental illness.  You do what you're trained to do and I'll worry about what I'm trained to do." 

Within an hour of being in the ER, she spiked a 101.4 fever.  While I didn't want her to be sick, I felt a little vindication that I knew it was more than panic.  I never left her side, not when they drew her blood, not when they did the EKG, not when they did the chest xray, and I stood right beside her rubbing her arms wearing a royal blue metal vest while she got her CT scan.  I wasn't leaving her.  In fact they wanted to draw blood from her artery (and I KNOW how painful that is) and I told them I would NOT consent to that unless every other test they performed left them no other options than to do the draw but it would be the very last option.  Thankfully it wasn't needed.

Four hours and some IV antibiotics later, we left with a pneumonia diagnosis and a nurse telling me that she had never seen foster parents care that much about their foster children.  I don't add that to pat myself on the back.  I add that because it's a shame that sick and very scared kids don't have the same type of compassion from a parental figure in that kind of situation. 

We got home around 4 am.  I couldn't unwind to sleep until 6am and was awake by 9:30am.  I'm tired and exhausted and praying I don't catch any germs I may have come into contact with last night.  But more than anything, I'm happy she's okay. 

I've always heard parents say how scary it is to have a sick child and how they wished they could trade places with their children.  I never understood that feeling until last night.  It was the most terrified and helpless I've ever felt in my life.

We've had challenges becoming a family of four and I've had many doubts about whether or not I made the right decision to become a mom.  I worried I wasn't cut out for being a mom but last night showed me our training social worker was right: I'm definitely cut out for this.

**Names used are not their actual names**