Sunday, July 14, 2013

A White Childless Woman's Take on the Zimmerman Verdict

Here I sit, wide awake, four hours after the Not Guilty verdict in the case of the State of Florida v. George Zimmerman.  I'm angry.  I'm sad.  I'm numb. I'm also white.  And over the last few weeks where I have watched the trial on a daily basis, glued to my iPhone until 9:59 PM when Judge Nelson walked out of the courtroom after a long day, I've developed feelings regarding the fact that I believed George Zimmerman to be guilty of manslaughter, at a minimum.

I have immersed myself into this trial, and for the fight for justice for Trayvon  Martin since February 26, 2012.  I have been on social media, mostly Twitter, rallying for justice.  Aligning with my African American followers in, what my foolish white privilege mistakenly identified as united in one accord.  Standing tweet-to-tweet with my black brothers and sisters fighting the same fight, feeling the same feelings, pronouncing the same grievances of injustice.  While it is from the deepest part of my heart I cry with the mothers of black sons who went back for an extra kiss and hug as they tucked their babies in bed tonight, and join in hang wringing nervousness of the mothers of black teen sons who were out on a Saturday night just trying to be kids, I realized, I cry for humanity but I can't cry in the same respect.  I can, and do, desire with all of my heart to be able to emphasize, but I never will know the fears that live in the heart of the mother of a black son.

My skin color is a barrier that affords me special privileges.  It affords me the ability to not know what it's like to be profiled by people in authority.  But it also affords me the inability to fully grasp the actions and notions that sicken me to my very core.  It prohibits me from fully realizing the fear that goes through the hearts and minds of parents of black children every day.

I had such high hopes.  It's 2013.  We elected a black man as President not once but twice.  But I'm also someone who spends a lot of time watching the news and there are a lot of white people of power and greater privilege than I who want their country back and apparently back to at least the Jim Crow south era if not the Civil War.  I abhor this with every fiber of my being; however, my skin color sets me apart as having to prove myself. I have to prove I'm not one of "those" white people.  At times it has been frustrating because I care so deeply about the civil rights and safety of my black friends, their children and grandchildren and all the Trayvon and Trayvona's of the country.  Tonight I realized something: so what.

Who am I to be so frustrated that I have to prove that I'm not a "creepy ass cracker" when I have the luxury of privilege Trayvon's family did not have?  Regardless of how hard I try or how much I desire, I will never know what it is like to be Sybrina Fulton and Tracy Martin.

We have a lot of work to do regarding race relations in this country.  The first step for those of us who do not understand the deeply ingrained fear, distrust, and anger that African Americans have, is to admit we will never understand. In order to unite this country and for there to be equality for everyone, those of us who do not know the sting of inequality aren't impotent of ability to help but we first have to admit we will never truly know how it feels.  My passion for equality comes from being raised to love as Christ loves us.  It comes from being a human being.  It comes from being a Christian.  But no matter how hard we try, we, as whites, can never ever understand how this verdict felt tonight to the African American community.

I cried when the verdict was read.  I had several phone calls I couldn't even answer.  I was angry and numb but  regardless of how emotional I got, as I scrolled through my Twitter TL I began to understand what I had been blind to before: I will never know the pain.

The tweets I read that turned my stomach and broke my heart gave me the greatest view of my privilege I've ever had.  I want to do something.  Most of my white friends want to do something too and I've come to the conclusion that in order to be productive we need to defer to those who know, who walk with the injustices of racism daily.  Show up, show your concern.  Show your love. Show your passion.  But also show your place.  There's room for all of us at the well but we have to realize that, in this fight, our place is where we are instructed it is and rightly so.

If you are white and you desire to help in the fight for civil rights and equality use your voice.  But don't get so ingrained in the desire to fight that you overstep your boundaries.  We cannot speak to the ills of which we have been protected from experiencing. We can't have a "been there, experienced that" conversation but we can show up and say, "I'm here because I love you and I desire to help.  How can I be of service?"  And then, help as you are able.

Let there never be another Travyon.  Let this be our mission.

The first place ALL of us can start is getting involved in the political process on the local level as well as nationally.  WV has a SYG law on the books.  Become involved in campaigning for people who seek to abolish this law.  Become proactive in getting your voice heard to demand this law be abolished.  We have to start somewhere to protect all of our children.

What are YOU going to do?


Wednesday, July 10, 2013

{Insert Witty and Sarcastic Title Here}

Praise the Lord, saints!

Things have been a little hectic around the Tomahawk household lately.  Where to begin??

My mother-in-law had "very significant sized" pulmonary embolisms in each lung with several smaller clots in each lung and was hospitalized for over a week.  She also had a DVT in her left leg.  She is older, 74 and doesn't bounce back quickly.  On the Fourth of July she was moved from the hospital to a nursing home for rehabilitation.  The goal was and still is to get her stronger so she can go home again.  However, she appears to be giving up.

She was having some cognitive issues in the hospital that concerned me but I was told over and over again it was the pain medication she was on and towards the end of her stay in the hospital she did seem to be more "with it" but my first, and sadly only, visit with her in the rehab facility showed a frail woman who was confused, very quiet, and frankly just pitiful.  Jeff and I both agreed she's giving up.

Her cognitive issues are back and I believe she may have had another stroke.  She fell over the weekend in the middle of the night trying to get to the bathroom.  She keeps insisting to Jeff's sister that someone keeps coming in her room in the middle of the night and decorating it.  It's sad.  My husband is very upset about this.  It will be 10 years next month that he lost his father and he's not ready to say goodbye to his mom yet.

I've been asking for people to pray for healing but at this point I now ask people to pray that God's Will be done. If that means she goes Home to Jeff's dad then it's better than watching her deteriorate like my grandmother has over the years.  But God's Will could be for her to get stronger and better and go home and live another 20  years.  I just want His Will done and I will respect and accept His Will.

Kidney Stoneapalooza 2013 continues.  I first went to the ER on 6/9/13 where I was diagnosed with two kidney stones and a minor UTI.  One week later on 6/16/13 I was back in the ER with a major UTI (I had been resistant to Cipro) as well as the two stones renting space in my body.  I was put on IV antibiotics and then put on a five day antibiotic.  I thought I was getting better until 6am this past Sunday 7/7/13 when I ended back in the same ER and this time I got more information: both stones are STILL THERE!!  One is still maxing and relaxing in my left kidney and the other one is taking his good ol time bouncing around my urinary tract without a care in the world.  I've compared it to the stone being on an intertube and floating through my UT as if it were a lazy river.  I, who didn't think I needed to see a urologist, will be seeing one Friday at 12pm because mama can't take this misery any longer!!!

Because of the Attack of the Stone, I had to postpone my starting date for my new job by a week.  I hated doing it but I'm just too miserable.  I can't focus to write a blog let alone learn how to do a new job!! :-)

My new job is very part time and in fact while it's what I really want to do, it may not give me the hours and pay I need to keep us in a better financial situation.  I've been hired to be a Crisis Counselor at a local hospital. I'm still looking for something that will pay Sallie Mae but in the meantime I'm going to focus on what I have and keep praying for the Lord to move me where I'm supposed to be.

I'm stuck on my weight loss journey.  I don't know how to get started.  Truthfully I don't have the drive to get started.  I'm praying on this also.


Members Only

On Sunday, June 16, 2013 my husband and I became members of our church Christian Love Ministries.  We are over the moon happy with what God has given us: each other, an amazing friendship and marriage, wonderful families, our salvation, and now an amazing church and church family.

I had been fighting kidney stones and I was in immense pain the morning we officially became members but I wasn't letting the pain keep me from something to important and meaningful to me.

There were several in our membership class but only three of us inducted on this particular Sunday (the others were inducted the next week).  photo 951b39f4-2906-4d4b-9864-bc84a9a780b5_zps8c1fc194.jpg

My husband is to the left of me.  (sorry the pictures are blurry)


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This picture means EVERYTHING to me.  To see my husband become a God fearing man who loves the Lord, loves the church and desired to become a member of our church is just a true testament to the Will and Power of God.


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This photo is very blurry.  

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Here we are making our commitment to follow God and that it is our desire to become members of Christian Love Ministries. (My husband again is the tall guy on the left!)


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This picture is me giving my testimony.  I had so much more to say and maybe one day I'll give my whole testimony but it was a special time for me to let others know how God has blessed me.


Our pastors who have been with the church for four years.

I can't say enough about our Pastors and how they truly live how Jesus desires.  They are loving, understanding, honest, supportive, and really embody what it means to be a Christian.  

We are honored to be considered family at Christian Love Ministries.