Gifts of the Season Follow Up

I made a post earlier this week about the HOTTEST GIFTS for this upcoming holiday season. I thought I had found ALL the best ones but I was so so so very very very wrong. So, here's an addendum.

1.

Who wouldn't want a Ginger Crystal Ponycorn Unicorn for $85.  I wish I could think of something funny to say about this but IT'S A TOY UNICORN AND IT'S EIGHTY FIVE DOLLARS!!!!!!!  Real life unicorns don't cost THAT much.

2. 

The touch.  The feel.  The fabric of our ears. Cotton.  What is the entire history of WTFs are these things??? When I was able to make jewelry (before Rheumatoid Arthritis robbed me of my abilities) I never thought, "let me go get a pair of underwear out of my drawer and chop them up and scrunch them up and attach a fish hook wire to them.  SURELY some woman would love to wear pieces of my undies from her ears."  But hey maybe you have that kind of, um, "lady" on your gift list so here ya go.  You can thank me later. 

3. 

Looking for this years Christmas cards?  If you're like me you usually stick with something religious and about Christ because, well, duh He IS the reason for the season. But if you are looking for something completely different so as not to offend you heathen friends may I suggest these dragon flies positioned to look like a Christmas tree cards.  

4. 

This is here for the simple absurdity of it.  WHO GOES ON ETSY TO BUY PAPER LUNCH BAGS THAT WALMART HAS IN THEIR PAPER GOOD AISLE 1,000 BAGS FOR $0.75????? *fights air*

5. 

Remember those 1980's Heavy Hair Metal Band spandex pants that are all the rage for men in my last post? If you are buying those pants for your man or a man in your life, you MUST buy these to wear at the same time he wears his hair band pants because you know what they say, "A couple who goes out into public in weird looking tights together gets laughed at and pointed at together."

6. 

Who? Who? Who would wear this????????????  I guess a better question would be who wouldn't wear this?  I mean owls are all the rage right now.  These are ideal for that quiet friend who never speaks to people and works in a cubical.  Buy this for her and have her wear it all day in her cubicle to see WHO notices.  It will surely be a HOOT!

7. 

Well, okay then.  I mean if you're THAT hellbent on smoking and advertising that you gladly put out $7 a pack of ciggies a day and that's why you smell like Hell's furnace then go you.  I would highly suggest that if you actually USE this as your phone cover that you contact Marlboro and see if you can't get paid for marketing for their death sticks.

8. 

I know I have had a couple of underwear posts (Thank You For Being A Friend Period Panties??) but I promise I don't have a fetish.  And I don't think these can be considered "underwear" because it doesn't cover your "undertheres."  That's right, these lovely Cat Open Crotch Slipknot Thongs do not cover your personal kitty.  But men, I'm sure if you buy these for that special woman she'll be sure to purrrrrchase some real panties with a crotch because THE CROTCH IS THE POINT OF UNDERWEAR.  FYI.  

9. 

For all those insecure women out there who think another woman wants your problem man, you may want to pick up a "this Guy Loves His Wife" tee-shirt.  I'm sure he'll wear this to poker night, to the bar for Monday Night Football, and his bowling league because you already know the "guys" have been razzing your man because he doesn't already have a shirt proclaiming his undying love for you.  

10. 

What man wouldn't want a bulletin board in his pocket that holds his money, credit cards, and all those pictures of you that you make him carry on his person at all times.  I'm all for being a Vegan but at some point you have to draw a line.  Don't want to use leather for a wallet?  Fine.  Make out of of duct tape but NOT A BULLETIN BOARD.  

11. 

I can't even wrap my head around this one.  Sure the Pokemon tie I covered in my last post was semi-probable.  I mean a man might actually think it funny to wear one of those but WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD YOUR MAN WANT TO WEAR YOUR SORORITY COLORS AS A BOW TIE?????  I just can't.

12. 

It's a tee-shirt, Bitch!!  Pretty sure this one is unisex.  Hey, Have an A-1 Day!!

13. 

This is for that person who always complains about how unfashionable those silly white strings are that run from their ipod to the earbuds.  Nothing makes you look more like a dork than having crochet ropes hanging from your ears to your ipod but hey, who am I to judge??

14. 

This Acoustic Bamboo speaker is sure to make all the JayZ songs on your ipod sound like he's rapping to pan flute music.  

15. 

And not to leave the pets out because those of us who have furry family members (with four legs, I'm not talking about your weird Uncle Dick with the furry back and ear canals) always buy them gifts, here's a sure fire way to ensure your dog will eat your couch AND love seat when you leave for work after making him go trick or treating looking like a sheep.  Making your dog wear this would be very baaaaaaaaaaaad.  

And there you go.  Sorry I couldn't make the narrative as funny as last time but honestly the fact people not only make these things but also try to get you to buy them is funny enough.

Happy Shopping!!!

Greatest Christmas Gifts of 2013

Since Oprah no longer has her own show, there's no one to step in and present us with his/her FAVORITE THINGS or give us great Christmas gift suggestions for those hard to buy for people on our lists.

Fear not, I come to rescue you!!

Here is my list of awesomely great gifts for your 2013 Holiday gift giving season.

1.

These are called Tropical high waisted bikini shorts/knicker shorts.  I call them Thank You For Being a Friend Period Panties/ Depends Cover.  Because the minute I saw them the unforgettable da da dum opening notes of the Gold Girl's Theme song played in my head.  My sister in law says Blanche probably wore these but I'm putting my money on Sophia.

2.

These are called Circle Round Retro Sunglasses.  I call them Harry Pearl-ter Eye Shades.  If I may be so bold, I suggest you buy these in conjunction with gift #1 as a "set" for that "special" woman in your life.  

3.

These glitter Clothespins are perfect for that lazy friend or family member who can't be bothered to go to Walmart and make their own for less than $2.00. *Author's note, I would use these more as paper clips than clothes pins because who wants glitter in their tropical period panties?

4.

For the woman who has everything and is always filling up your News feed or Timeline professing her love of the Pumpkin Spice Latte, or the PSL for those of you Hipsters, these earrings may be the best gift she's received since her period after that really awful one-night stand.  Never under estimate the "Ahhh" factor when she opens a box to see two perfectly cut pieces of polymer clay pie slices with a dollop of Cool Whip.  **For added Wow Factor, single men dating that women who keeps expecting a ring,  you may wish to box these in a ring box from Jared the Galleria of Jewelry.  It will be a gift sure to be discussed and laughed about during your 50th anniversary.  Or you she will in turn get you a Match.com gift card as your gift.   Could go either way.

5.

Every single woman should have a pair of Panties with Uterus print briefs underwear in their lingerie drawer. Sure, you're man will think it's a stretched out print of a Storm Trooper, but it teaches him a valuable lesson about your innards.  If you're skinny enough the print on these panties may actually line up with your actual reproductive organs.  That would be epic.  But to a man this is a Rorschach Test and if asked he'll always see a Storm Trooper or one of those cow skulls they hang on the wall over the fire place in Texas.

6.

And not to appear sexist and leave the men out, this beauty is labeled, "UNISEX".  This is a sure winner for any holiday Ugly Sweater party.  What woman would not want to wear a sweatshirt with a floppy disk labeled PORN on her chest while sporting an upside down cross with a halo.  Definitely worth the $50 price tag, right?

7. 

This bow tie is the perfect gift for the professional in your life.  Who would't be more at ease whenever their doctor/lawyer/pastor/financial adviser walks into the room with this Pokemon bow tie?  I bet Michelle buys Barrack one for Christmas.  For only $8 the man in your life can have this manly and understated tie for all his professional endeavors.

8.

For the man who doesn't want to fool with the hassle of having/caring for a beard but often thinks during walks in the winter that all he's missing to keep warm is a beard, here's the best gift for him.  Also makes a great gift for that one friend or family member you truly believe knocks off banks and 7-11's in his spare time.

9.

For that knight in shining armor in your life, this crochet knight helmet WITH MOVABLE VISOR is essential.  Now, if the visor did not move I would caution you not to waste $35 of your hard earned money on this but since it is movable and can transform your man from Dork to Knight in seconds it's well worth the money!!!

10. Saving the best for last:

Just like the 80's had Cabbage Patch Kids and the 90's had Tickle Me Elmos, 2013's has the Hard-To-Find-Super-In-Demand-Item is the Men's 80's Heavy Hair Metal Glam Rock Bon Jovi Neon Spandex Stripped Pants. Every woman I have spoken with has said how hard it has been to track these down for her man. These Glam Man Pants are on the top of every man's Christmas/Hannukah/Kwanzaa gift list!  And for only $29.99 you don't have to break the bank.  **Air guitar included.

So there you have it.  The top 10 Must Have items for your holiday shopping.  If I were Oprah, which I'm not, I would be throwing out pairs of female reproductive part panties to everyone!  You get panties!  And  YOU get panties!!  EVERY BODY GETS PANTIES!!!

HAPPY SHOPPING!!!!

With God There Are No Accidents

So many times things seem to come together and often we think, "wow, how weird/crazy/awesome is/was that!"  Do you realize it wasn't an accident?  It wasn't a coincidence.  It wasn't happenstance.  It was God.

I don't want to go too far back into history but the more I attend church and the more I read my Bible and the more I pray and focus myself on being the person He created me to be, the more I'm seeing Him work in my life.

I have been fighting with depression or a long time.  Part of my testimony is how God literally saved my life back on 12/16/12.  I had been suffering from severe depression and the way my world was changing because of the changes my body had gone through as my RA has progressed.  I was losing what little bit of freedom/mobility/worthiness I felt I had.  I had begun to feel incarcerated by feelings of hopelessness, fear, anxiety, depression, and did I mention FEAR?  I became so disgusted each time I wanted to do something my body wouldn't allow.  Something that I had been able to do without so much as a thought three years before.  Constantly relying on a husband who is stressed and worthy of a wife better than I:  a whole woman who could have provided him a child.  Who doesn't need help opening drawers, jars, bottles, lifting milk jugs to pour milk on my cereal.  A wife who could work productively, travel, shop, cook for him, clean his house. A wife who didn't spend days on end in bed because she didn't have the strength to walk up the stairs to get to the bathroom so just settled to confine her existence into a 15x20 foot master bedroom.  

I remember sitting in my mom's living room right before Christmas in the lights of her tree talking to her and Jeff saying, "if it wasn't for Amelia and my family I would lay down and die.  I don't have a life anymore.  I'm frustrated.  I'm depressed.  I'm miserable.  I feel hopeless."  My mom responded, "I can understand how you feel that way."  Now, that wasn't to say that she was in agreement for me to kill myself.  She simply let me know that she understood HOW I could feel that way.  It was what I needed to hear.  I didn't need to hear, "now just stop that right now."  Or, "Don't talk like that!"  I just needed someone to validate MY feelings of anger and frustration.  

Now, to understand WHY it was that I had the hardest time of my life at this time of year you have to learn some history.  I miscarried our only child on 12/12/07.  The day before I turned 33.  I remember laboring in my bed with my mom at the foot telling me how surreal it felt that I, her daughter, was laboring 33 years to the day she was laboring with me.  That wasn't an accident.  But ever since then, Christmas, and my birthday, has come with a sort of delight in the season and the bittersweet pain of what could have been.  

This past Christmas I had had it.  We'd made the decision the Christmas before to be parents by Christmas 2012.  That experiment in foster care was a nightmare and, as I usually do, made the wrong decision in disrupting placements and lost both children in the process.  So, to me it was another year of not playing Santa, not knowing what it's like to go to bed excited for the morning.  Feeling like a couple and not a family. Meanwhile, I was becoming even more dependent upon my husband who works hard 40+ hours a week who comes home and cooks our meals, does our shopping, our laundry, our housecleaning and all I did was complain: I can't walk today.  I can't get out of bed today.  I'm depressed today.  I tried to clean the bathroom and it took me 30 minutes to figure out how to hold the toilet brush and scrub the toilet while sitting on the side of the bathtub.  I was tired of seeing the burden my wonderful husband had to carry because of me.  He deserved a better life.  And I knew the only way he'd ever get that better life is if I was no longer around and in my mind if I just went to bed and didn't wake up he'd be sad for a minute but he'd move on.  It's the nature of the beast right?

On 12/14/12, a day after my 37th birthday and having been in the hospital with an abscessed RA nodule, I began to formulate a plan.  I would wait. I had a plan that would go in effect on 12/17/12 after Jeff went to work and if it worked Jeff would've come home free from a wifely burden.  Sunday, 12/16/12 I woke up early because I heard someone say, "Get up, it's time to go."  I remember looking up and around and Jeff was no where to be found.  I rolled over and tried to go back to sleep.  What in the world am I doing up at 8am on a Sunday??  Then I heard it again, "I SAID GET UP AND GO.  I'M WAITING!" I got up out of bed and I said to Jeff, "I've got to go to church."  I honestly don't remember if Jeff went with me that day or not.  I remember the sermon: Don't Give Back Your Breakthrough.  The pastor was setting up his sermons for the new year and the new year was going to be about getting your breakthrough and keeping it.

I don't even remember what was said specifically that made me change my mind that day.  But I came home that day and as I sat on my bed, looking at my plan, I began to realize I was staring the devil right in his face. This plan WAS NOT the breakthrough the Lord had for me.  It couldn't be.  A God that loves me, who sent his OWN child to DIE FOR ME so that I could LIVE would NEVER have a plan for me to DIE.  And I remember thinking, "I know how it feels to lose a child.  I didn't sacrifice my son for anyone.  My body evicted  him because my body is broken.  But the core of me, the raw barren emptiness from the depths of my barren uterus began to comprehend what God gave up for ME.  For YOU.  So many have to see reenactments of the resurrection in order to appreciate what Jesus did for us, but to this mother who lost a child, it wasn't what Jesus did that spoke to me that day it was what God did.  Here I was still broken from so many things, especially the loss of my child and here is the man who not only allowed for His Son to be born but He created Him with the purpose of allowing Him to die.  It had to happen.  

As I sat there and thought about everything in my life, everything beating me down, I weighed the pros and cons.  Then it came to something this simple: IF someone had asked me to sacrifice my child so that he could have saved even one child, what would my answer have been?  Maybe my child was created to die.  Think about that a minute.  Maybe God knew I needed a way to come to Him.  To come to Him for REAL this time.  Not like all those other times when I thought I was there but I wasn't.  But for real come to Him.  Maybe our child's only purpose was for me to know how much love a parent has for a child and how much love my parents have for me and how much love my FATHER has for me.  I never got that moment where new parents see their child for the first time and fall in love.  I fell in love with a grayish blob on a screen and a thump thump thump of a tiny heart that I swear was the voice of angels singing.  I'll never forget calling my mother telling her I heard the heartbeat.  Her words of complete relief were, "OH THANK YOU JESUS!"  

It's hard to accept that two weeks later the thump thump thump would be gone.  Never to hear again.  I remember another call to my mom and her voice so full of pain, "OH Allison, are they sure?"  She  hoped with everything in her they were wrong.  They weren't.

I prayed, "If there's a God please let me know if I have a son or daughter."  On what would have been my due date I called the Children's Hospital asking how I could make a toy donation.When I made that phone call, I explained to the woman I wanted to make a "donation of toys in memory of my son."  My SON.  It was the first time I had referred to my child by gender.  

I'm sorry this is jumping back and forth but I have a point.  Jump forward to realizing while there was nothing I could do to bring back my son, I wasn't going to allow a man who sacrificed the loss of His Son so that I could live forever to be in vain.  My son's purpose was to help me see the way God moved.  

I decided that day to live.  Jeff and I rang in 2013 at church because that's the way we wanted to start this year.  Since then we've completed membership classes, we've become members, we've made new friends, and our faith has grown.  And my faith and my acceptance of Christ is real this time.  Since we made the decision to become a part of this church family God continues to reveal to me this is His perfect plan.  It's not an accident.

I continue to struggle with depression, anxiety, and thoughts of suicide.  I no longer have a plan.  I put off surgery for weeks because when it boiled down to it I was afraid of never waking up.  Afraid of dying.  I started to realize that I wanted to live.  I just need some help.  I'm seeing a Christian counselor and I will be seeing a psychiatrist next week.  .  

Today I had to go see my counselor and I had to force myself to go.  It took everything I had to overcome the fear of something horrible happening to me.  I hadn't been out of the house by myself in weeks.  I was scared and anxious.  But I got to counseling and I got home.  I hadn't been home more than 10 minutes when I received a text from my Pastor.  She wanted to know how I was feeling and I broke it down:

I admitted I was struggling with depression.  Notice what she responded: Bible study tonight was on Battle of the mind.  I ended up going and sharing just a little bit of how I've been feeling and as others began to share I realized that my fears, anxieties, and feelings where shared with others.  I found supportive words, hugs, sisters in the church hugging me and telling me "I love you."  

None of this was an accident.  God knew that one day there would be a time when His daughter would need to be ministered to by a real congregation of real people who experienced real life and who love anyway.  I feel so blessed.  

This whole long-winded blog is just a small part of the testimony of what the Lord has done in my life.  I didn't share this because I want to give too much insight into my life but rather because just as I found solace in others who have struggled or are struggling through battles of the mind, I want to be able to share it. Maybe something I wrote here will awaken something in someone and he/she can realize there's a place for you in the Church.  There's a body for you in the Church.  There's a kindred spirit for you in the Church.  Listen to God.  Let  Him lead you.  Allow yourself to become able to read between the Scriptural lines.  Read between the lines of what is being preached to see where you are in God's Master Plan.  Are you someone in awe of what Jesus did for you? Or are you also in awe of what God did for you?  

There are no accidents.  God is the only thing that remains true.  His word is the only medicine that can help heal.  That eases the pain.  And I want to thank Him for his divine and perfect plan.  I am here today because God made the sacrifice of His child and then He gave Pastor Leo the Word I needed the day the Lord sent me to Christian Love Ministries that saved my life. The Lord continues to let me know I'm in the right place because of texts like the one I got today from Pastor Regina.  Every spiritual need I've needed met has been met through this ministry.  There are no accidents.  Period.

A White Childless Woman's Take on the Zimmerman Verdict

Here I sit, wide awake, four hours after the Not Guilty verdict in the case of the State of Florida v. George Zimmerman.  I'm angry.  I'm sad.  I'm numb. I'm also white.  And over the last few weeks where I have watched the trial on a daily basis, glued to my iPhone until 9:59 PM when Judge Nelson walked out of the courtroom after a long day, I've developed feelings regarding the fact that I believed George Zimmerman to be guilty of manslaughter, at a minimum.

I have immersed myself into this trial, and for the fight for justice for Trayvon  Martin since February 26, 2012.  I have been on social media, mostly Twitter, rallying for justice.  Aligning with my African American followers in, what my foolish white privilege mistakenly identified as united in one accord.  Standing tweet-to-tweet with my black brothers and sisters fighting the same fight, feeling the same feelings, pronouncing the same grievances of injustice.  While it is from the deepest part of my heart I cry with the mothers of black sons who went back for an extra kiss and hug as they tucked their babies in bed tonight, and join in hang wringing nervousness of the mothers of black teen sons who were out on a Saturday night just trying to be kids, I realized, I cry for humanity but I can't cry in the same respect.  I can, and do, desire with all of my heart to be able to emphasize, but I never will know the fears that live in the heart of the mother of a black son.

My skin color is a barrier that affords me special privileges.  It affords me the ability to not know what it's like to be profiled by people in authority.  But it also affords me the inability to fully grasp the actions and notions that sicken me to my very core.  It prohibits me from fully realizing the fear that goes through the hearts and minds of parents of black children every day.

I had such high hopes.  It's 2013.  We elected a black man as President not once but twice.  But I'm also someone who spends a lot of time watching the news and there are a lot of white people of power and greater privilege than I who want their country back and apparently back to at least the Jim Crow south era if not the Civil War.  I abhor this with every fiber of my being; however, my skin color sets me apart as having to prove myself. I have to prove I'm not one of "those" white people.  At times it has been frustrating because I care so deeply about the civil rights and safety of my black friends, their children and grandchildren and all the Trayvon and Trayvona's of the country.  Tonight I realized something: so what.

Who am I to be so frustrated that I have to prove that I'm not a "creepy ass cracker" when I have the luxury of privilege Trayvon's family did not have?  Regardless of how hard I try or how much I desire, I will never know what it is like to be Sybrina Fulton and Tracy Martin.

We have a lot of work to do regarding race relations in this country.  The first step for those of us who do not understand the deeply ingrained fear, distrust, and anger that African Americans have, is to admit we will never understand. In order to unite this country and for there to be equality for everyone, those of us who do not know the sting of inequality aren't impotent of ability to help but we first have to admit we will never truly know how it feels.  My passion for equality comes from being raised to love as Christ loves us.  It comes from being a human being.  It comes from being a Christian.  But no matter how hard we try, we, as whites, can never ever understand how this verdict felt tonight to the African American community.

I cried when the verdict was read.  I had several phone calls I couldn't even answer.  I was angry and numb but  regardless of how emotional I got, as I scrolled through my Twitter TL I began to understand what I had been blind to before: I will never know the pain.

The tweets I read that turned my stomach and broke my heart gave me the greatest view of my privilege I've ever had.  I want to do something.  Most of my white friends want to do something too and I've come to the conclusion that in order to be productive we need to defer to those who know, who walk with the injustices of racism daily.  Show up, show your concern.  Show your love. Show your passion.  But also show your place.  There's room for all of us at the well but we have to realize that, in this fight, our place is where we are instructed it is and rightly so.

If you are white and you desire to help in the fight for civil rights and equality use your voice.  But don't get so ingrained in the desire to fight that you overstep your boundaries.  We cannot speak to the ills of which we have been protected from experiencing. We can't have a "been there, experienced that" conversation but we can show up and say, "I'm here because I love you and I desire to help.  How can I be of service?"  And then, help as you are able.

Let there never be another Travyon.  Let this be our mission.

The first place ALL of us can start is getting involved in the political process on the local level as well as nationally.  WV has a SYG law on the books.  Become involved in campaigning for people who seek to abolish this law.  Become proactive in getting your voice heard to demand this law be abolished.  We have to start somewhere to protect all of our children.

What are YOU going to do?

{Insert Witty and Sarcastic Title Here}

Praise the Lord, saints!

Things have been a little hectic around the Tomahawk household lately.  Where to begin??

My mother-in-law had "very significant sized" pulmonary embolisms in each lung with several smaller clots in each lung and was hospitalized for over a week.  She also had a DVT in her left leg.  She is older, 74 and doesn't bounce back quickly.  On the Fourth of July she was moved from the hospital to a nursing home for rehabilitation.  The goal was and still is to get her stronger so she can go home again.  However, she appears to be giving up.

She was having some cognitive issues in the hospital that concerned me but I was told over and over again it was the pain medication she was on and towards the end of her stay in the hospital she did seem to be more "with it" but my first, and sadly only, visit with her in the rehab facility showed a frail woman who was confused, very quiet, and frankly just pitiful.  Jeff and I both agreed she's giving up.

Her cognitive issues are back and I believe she may have had another stroke.  She fell over the weekend in the middle of the night trying to get to the bathroom.  She keeps insisting to Jeff's sister that someone keeps coming in her room in the middle of the night and decorating it.  It's sad.  My husband is very upset about this.  It will be 10 years next month that he lost his father and he's not ready to say goodbye to his mom yet.

I've been asking for people to pray for healing but at this point I now ask people to pray that God's Will be done. If that means she goes Home to Jeff's dad then it's better than watching her deteriorate like my grandmother has over the years.  But God's Will could be for her to get stronger and better and go home and live another 20  years.  I just want His Will done and I will respect and accept His Will.

Kidney Stoneapalooza 2013 continues.  I first went to the ER on 6/9/13 where I was diagnosed with two kidney stones and a minor UTI.  One week later on 6/16/13 I was back in the ER with a major UTI (I had been resistant to Cipro) as well as the two stones renting space in my body.  I was put on IV antibiotics and then put on a five day antibiotic.  I thought I was getting better until 6am this past Sunday 7/7/13 when I ended back in the same ER and this time I got more information: both stones are STILL THERE!!  One is still maxing and relaxing in my left kidney and the other one is taking his good ol time bouncing around my urinary tract without a care in the world.  I've compared it to the stone being on an intertube and floating through my UT as if it were a lazy river.  I, who didn't think I needed to see a urologist, will be seeing one Friday at 12pm because mama can't take this misery any longer!!!

Because of the Attack of the Stone, I had to postpone my starting date for my new job by a week.  I hated doing it but I'm just too miserable.  I can't focus to write a blog let alone learn how to do a new job!! :-)

My new job is very part time and in fact while it's what I really want to do, it may not give me the hours and pay I need to keep us in a better financial situation.  I've been hired to be a Crisis Counselor at a local hospital. I'm still looking for something that will pay Sallie Mae but in the meantime I'm going to focus on what I have and keep praying for the Lord to move me where I'm supposed to be.

I'm stuck on my weight loss journey.  I don't know how to get started.  Truthfully I don't have the drive to get started.  I'm praying on this also.

Members Only

On Sunday, June 16, 2013 my husband and I became members of our church Christian Love Ministries.  We are over the moon happy with what God has given us: each other, an amazing friendship and marriage, wonderful families, our salvation, and now an amazing church and church family.

I had been fighting kidney stones and I was in immense pain the morning we officially became members but I wasn't letting the pain keep me from something to important and meaningful to me.

There were several in our membership class but only three of us inducted on this particular Sunday (the others were inducted the next week).

My husband is to the left of me.  (sorry the pictures are blurry)

This picture means EVERYTHING to me.  To see my husband become a God fearing man who loves the Lord, loves the church and desired to become a member of our church is just a true testament to the Will and Power of God.

This photo is very blurry.  

Here we are making our commitment to follow God and that it is our desire to become members of Christian Love Ministries. (My husband again is the tall guy on the left!)

This picture is me giving my testimony.  I had so much more to say and maybe one day I'll give my whole testimony but it was a special time for me to let others know how God has blessed me.

Our pastors who have been with the church for four years.

I can't say enough about our Pastors and how they truly live how Jesus desires.  They are loving, understanding, honest, supportive, and really embody what it means to be a Christian.  

We are honored to be considered family at Christian Love Ministries.

Update

I really need to get better at this blogging thing.  I get here and see the same 10 followers, get discouraged and think, 'eh, no one's reading anyway' but if I continue with that attitude and never post I'll never gain followers, sooooo.......

Here's another General Update Post and I promise to get better with actually making this blog what I want it to be:

• I finally graduated from grad school and I now have the diploma to show for it.  Final GPA was 3.54. Go me!!  Final cost of all my education: well, lets just keep this positive!! :)
• I spent a month working a job that I thought I would love; however, I quickly realized two things: I don't want to help people out with their finances and my trainer was horribly rude and abusive.  She put me down in regards to my weight, my RA, my limitations, down to my eczema on my fingers which apparently gave her the "heebies."  Whatever.  The negativity and the manner in which she treated me beat me down to a point where I miserable.  My husband, parents, and counselor all told me to get out.  So, now I'm looking for work...AGAIN!  I just need to find that place where I fit in.  
• My husband and I became members of our church (I'm going to make that a separate post because it deserves it!!)
• Kidney Stones (yes...plural) sent directly from the Devil took me out of commission for roughly two weeks.
• If you are a fair complected Irish girl DO NOT FORGET THE SUNSCREEN.  It's been a week and I'm just now starting to look less like a lobster and more embarrassed.  Maybe next week I'll be pale again.  
• My mother-in-law has been hospitalized with "significant sized" blood clots, one in each lung with multiple smaller clots in both lungs as well as a good sized clot in her left leg.  It was scary for a day or two but through the power of prayer and modern medicine she seems to be doing better.  She's 74 so anything can be scary with her.

Well, that's the best I can update at this point.  I promise to blog more for all 10 of you!! :)

P.S. I have not proofed this so if it's a mess blame exhaustion :)

Hello

Monday Mashup

1. I graduated from grad school  That's right.  I'm now officially in more debt then I'll ever pay in my life.  I'm very proud of myself.  My family celebrate my accomplishment by holding a family weenie roast on Saturday.  We had a great time even some of my extended family came. I had a great time.

2. That means I got to spend a lot of time with Princess Amelia.  I love her.

3. I was offered AND accepted a new job: Starting May 16, 2013 I will be the new part time housing counselor at our local housing authority.  I'm very excited.  With  my RA full-time work is not possible at this time, and honestly may never be.  I REALLY wanted this position so I'm thankful for answered prayers and awesome people in my life who served as references for me.

4. I had a horrible RA flair today.  I think it's the rain that's setting in for the week.  I was so bad I only got out of bed to potty and shower and the shower/brushing my teeth part was sheer misery and almost impossible.  It took me 45 minutes to shower (oh how I wish I had a shower seat).  I actually cried REAL tears when I finally was able to squeeze the toothpaste onto the toothbrush.

5. I feel like I have so much more to say but honestly, between the pain medicine and benadryl I'm simply too sleepy to continue.

Until next time.....

Where Have I been?

Once again, I fell of the face of the earth.  Shoot I don't even know where I left off when I last posted. So, another bullet post it is!!

• I am four weeks away from obtaining my Masters in Human Services.  I'm so elated I can't even put it into words.  I changed my track from license-eligible (LPC) to this one because I already owe the Department of Education more than I owe First Green on the mortgage on my home.  So, until I get debt paid down, I'm running with what I can.  It's a HUGE accomplishment for me and I'm very proud of myself.
• We dove back into the foster parenting waters and while we thought we'd have our 10 year old son through June, the court on Friday said, "send him back to his dad!" And that's what we did.  We miss him. He was our first since November and he was amazing.  
• I left my job that I just started in February. It was not the place for me.  I had been asked to do something that was not only morally wrong but downright criminal.  
• We had our last membership class in church this past Sunday. I can't wait to become a full fledged member of Christian Love Ministries.  We love this church, the pastors, the other members.  It's just a place where we have grown.  My husband is a Christian now and we owe it to the pastors who provide a safe place to come to Jesus.
• I'm horrified by the happenings in Boston.  I pray for our nation daily.  So many on my FB are asking, "How can God allow this?" I have thought about this and the best answer I can fathom is, God never fails to show you who He is.  Sometimes He uses the miracle of a new baby to show how powerful He is and sometimes His power and greatness come out of things not so happy as brand new babies.  I believe that yesterday, in the midst of all that happened, a firm non-believer feel to his/her knees and uttered the only name that matters:  Jesus.  I believe people were delivered yesterday.  So while God didn't cause what happened yesterday, He even allows evil acts to show how great He is.
• I'm in the middle of applying for and interviewing for jobs.  I've had one offer that my husband and I really feel I should not consider.  I'd provide in-home parenting and life skills services to help prevent children from entering the foster care system or to help the parent regain custody of their children but the "What ifs" are too much for my husband to overlook:  what if I'm in the middle of the county and a man decides to come home with a gun to take his kids/hurt his wife and I don't have cell services?  Also with my immunity down because of the chemo I receive, being in people's dirty germy houses isn't ideal either. It involves a lot of driving and I'd only get paid for face-to-face time with my clients.  If I drive 45 minutes and they aren't home...I don't get paid.  
• I'm finally getting ready to do something about my weight.  Putting it off isn't getting any easier and I'm only getting fatter.
• Our Mountaineers play their spring game this Saturday we hope to go.
• Oh...most importantly...my husband and I will celebrate our 7th wedding anniversary Friday (more on this in another post!)

So, there you have it.  I do plan to carve out time in my day to make blogging a priority.  I miss having this avenue to work out my thoughts and share with y'all.  

And I want to get to know all of you so please: ask me some questions in the comment section and I'll do a vlog and answer them!!

Hiatus....

I took another unintended hiatus.  Sorry.

So, let me make this Wordy Wednesday.

My husband and I are on the upswing from being down with Influenza B.  I've never been diagnosed with influenza ever in my life but that doesn't mean I didn't have it before.  Since I don't remember ever having the flu before, I had no idea what the symptoms were and when I started coughing horribly last Monday, I thought it was allergies since this is my allergy season.  I got chemo infusion last Tuesday and I started feeling worse.  I called off work on Wednesday (I had been off Tuesday because I was in the hospital all day) and went back on Thursday. I was there five minutes before I was sent home and I went immediately to my doctor's office to be seen.  I hated showing up without calling but I didn't have a voice.  I was swabbed (worst.experience.ever) and then was told no work until at least Monday (of this week).  I went back and things went downhill fast.  I'm not going to put my business on full blast on the blog but being a Christian and trying to live in a Godly way I had to make a very difficult decision and after prayer, meditation, talking to my husband and a coworker who is a personal friend I decided I had two options: continue to work there and be put in situations that were uncomfortable (not to mention the job turned me back into a potty mouth and I wasn't being a good example of Christ) or I could quit and trust in God that He will acknowledge my actions and my heart and keep me and provide for me a job where I can flourish and where my salvation will be a benefit.  I wrote a rather scathing resignation letter that, apparently, as either been seen by or read to most, if not all, of my previous coworkers.  My previous boss as not even seen it himself.  I stand by what I wrote just as I stand firm on my faith and in my convictions.  I included dates and times.  I learned a long time ago that you document the heck out of your professional life.  While a smaller, more trifling person, would engage in further follow up, I have spoken my piece and have dusted my hands off and now I'm moving forward.

Monday was the first day of my last.graduate.class.ever.  I have 8 more weeks and then I'm finished.  I will have a Masters degree.  I'm elated.  Deeply in debt but elated.

Where do we stand on foster parenting?  We are going to give it another go 'round.  I pray it goes better this time.

My eyes are drooping so I'm going to close but I wanted to put at least an update out there for y'all.

MIA

Wow, I've been MIA in quite awhile.  I've got reasons!

1. I am now employed.  Yes.  I'm back in the Social Work saddle again. I am a social worker for individuals with disabilities.  Given the fact that I now a disabled person, I take a great deal more pride in my work.  I did this same job seven years ago and I worked that job for almost 4 years.  I honestly thought I could walk back into this position and be all I Got THIS! but the state has made soooooo many changes that while I have the basics down, I'm operating on the OLD system and having a hard time learning the NEW system.  And if you want me to be honest: the OLD system appears to me to be more effective and less demanding.

My job is overwhelming and I didn't expect it to be so overwhelming; however, after a mid-week breakdown (that included crying in front of my boss out of complete and utter frustration) I resigned my work to God.  Thursday started out the same way Wednesday did but I handled it differently.  I stopped and  prayed at my desk: "Lord, I will NOT allow something that YOU gave me to make ME this miserable so I'm doing what I should have done when I started and I'm giving YOU this job and opening MYSELF up to be YOUR vessel and I will follow YOUR lead."  After I finished my prayer within minutes I felt peace and knew that I don't have to stress anymore because Stress is a weapon and my Bible tells me it won't prosper against me.  And the rest of the week was amazingly wonderful. I don't mean I'm madly in love with my job yet. It is work after all, but I'm not wanting to quit.

I told my boss after he and I had a frank conversation that caused me to cry at my desk in front of him and my office mate that I promise him all of my best while I'm there.  I'm going to give him everything I have, give my 100% to every client and the agency and if I mess up or things I'll learn from them and not stress on it.  I told him I was sorry for crying in front of  him but that it was either cry or gather my things and walk out because I had reached my limit.  He said he was glad I cried!

2. My first term in my last semester of grad school is officially OVAH! I have Spring Break this coming week then on the 18th I start MY LAST CLASS EVER!!! Then I will be able to sign M.A. after my name at work instead of B.S.  I'm overwhelmed by the vast amount of student loan debt I have now because of this degree and paying for it will use the bulk of two week's worth of work on my part each month, I'm extremely proud of myself for finishing grad school.  It was not easy.  But I did it.

3. My niece continues to amaze me.  She's only 26 month's old and she's got the vocalization of a four year old.

4. Our vow renewal planning is going well.  (that's a whole blog post on its own and I'll try to do that this weekend!).

I swear I probably have a lot more to write about here but it's escaping me right now.  I promise not to put so much time between blog posts.

Posts I have coming up:

Vow Renewal Planning (visit my Pinterest Board HERE)

Where we stand with foster care

P.S. I haven't proofread this post.  I's too sleepy. So it if has a lot of typos/errors I'm sorry!!

Five Hundred Twenty Five Thousand Six Hundred Minutes...

....How do you measure, measure a year???

Seven years ago today, the face of a man I had spent an evening with chatting at a company Christmas party while my date was "working the room" appeared in my email inbox.  He was my "ideal match" or so said, Match.com.

Seven years ago today, I paid the last $29.95 I had until payday to send that man an email.

Seven years ago today, that man also paid $29.95 to answer that email.

Seven years ago today, we spent six hours on the phone talking.

Five Hundred Twenty Five Thousand Six Hundred Minutes ago, we finished with our first meeting with the foster care licensing social worker to begin our journey to become parents.

This past year has been challenging as we became parents and tried to parent not one but two teen-aged girls.  We often wondered what we were thinking.  Did we really want to be parents?  We often missed our lives of just being Jeff and Allison.  We have been "just" Jeff and Allison since November and it has been amazing.

I still go back and forth on if we want to accept anymore placements.  We're getting contacted every day.  They are contacting by text which I find weird but hey, whatever.  I still haven't been able to commit.  The longer we go without having children in the home the more I feel that I'm okay not having children in the home.

We will eventually make the decision that's best for us, but I know one thing will never change; I'm so thankful for the man with whom I will make this decision.  The man I reconnected with seven years ago today, the man who started the journey to become a parent with me a year ago today is the man I want by my side for the rest of my life.

I'm completely and totally in love and adore my husband.  He's kept every single marriage vow he made to me and kept it more than I ever could have prayed for or hoped any man would.  But then again, he's not just 'any man', he's The Man.  The one God made just for me.

I'm so humbled that after all the nights I cried myself to sleep just knowing I'd never find "The One" the REAL ONE was orchestrating a union that would be exactly what Jeff and I needed forever.

I love you, Jeff.  I love you more today than I did five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes ago.

Thank you for marrying me, for choosing me, for loving me, and for taking care of me.

Friday Five in One.

I missed Thankful Thursday so here I am linking with with JOY again for The Friday Five! This post will have a Thankful Thursday aspect to it, though. And because my story is long I'm making it a Five in One post!
1-5 {The Goodness and Faithfulness of God Amazes Me}  There are times in this world when all you can do is step back and say, "there He goes again!" When I think about God I sometimes picture Him sitting on His Throne just watching and smiling and saying, "That's MY son/daughter!" like a proud papa at a soccer game. Do you ever think that God sits upon High just as amazed by the things we do for Him as we are of the things He does for US?  He has the Power to show us who God is and I'm thankful that even when I start to get a prideful feeling that God steps in and says, "Stop.  Girl I'm your Father and I  have ordained your steps before you were even born. I got this. I know what is coming your way.  I give you hope and plans for a future.  I'm in control here."
I had an interview today.  I interviewed for this same position back in December. I knew we needed for me to be working again because this new car payment isn't going to make itself and since we haven't been fostering (which the new car was for that purpose so we budged foster reimbursement as part of providing for the children as a portion of the car payment. That's not to say we fostered for the money.  We didn't.  Trust me that $20 a day means nothing today.) making ends meet has been tough.  I've relied on credit more than I should or wanted but it was all going to be okay because xyz was coming through for us.  When I interviewed in December I wanted to start the first of this year because I wanted to spend the holidays with my family.  I didn't get the job. Then.  Reason: because I couldn't start immediately and the main superior wasn't sure I could handle being a graduate student and a full time employee.  I'm in the middle of two of my last three classes.  
A friend of mine got the job instead.  I never got a letter of "thanks but no thanks" so after a month of wondering why I didn't get the job with 4 more years of experience than my friend God said, "call the boss let him know you're still interested.  IT'S YOUR TIME!"  I called.  Voicemail.  Funny God!! :)
I get a call back, I have a position opening please send me your resume.  There's back story but it's not important.  Today was my interview.  Today I found out the reasons I was passed over the first time.  Today was different.  The timing is better.  I can start immediately.  Starting in March I have one class and it's online so it's not going to be a problem. The supervisor is loving this.  He wants to hire me.
I hand him a letter of recommendation from my friend Wendy who God brought into my life through a casual "we know the same friends so let's be Facebook friends" link up to being real in the flesh good friends and sisters in Christ and attend the same church.
I hand him a glowing letter of recommendation from my previous supervisor Amanda who was (and I'm not just saying this) one of the best supervisors I've ever had. 
Then after my interview my phone starts popping and dinging.  Facebook: Amanda...I just gave you a glowing recommendation.  Phone call to Wendy who said what God has for me is for me and it's in HIS timing.  I start to feel like "I GOT THIS!" 
Then GOD shows up to say, "But WAIT...watch this..."
13 years ago I started a new job and met Damita.  She is one of the most sincerely faithful woman I know.  Her love for Christ and her desire to serve Him amazes me. She introduced me to our church.  It was under different pastors then.  I wasn't ready for a relationship with God.  I quit going.
Fast forward several years I meet and marry my husband who is from 3 hours south of where we live but had moved here 13 years before for a job.  
Damita and I have stayed friends for 13 years.  I found my way back to the church even though my husband wasn't a "believer."  He hated church.  But I went anyway.  I loved the new pastors.  I loved the church.   The next week my husband went with me.  Who did he see?  A high school friend from his small town 3 hours south.  He was so excited and surprised to see Cassandra who attends our church because she works with Damita and was led by Damita to our church.  My husband and I were then knocked over by the fact that our pastors are from the same area Jeffrey is from.  
Where am I going with this?  Today they called my references for this job.  They called a job I had for one year 13 years ago.  They didn't keep electronic records of employees back then so I wouldn't be in any database for any employment verification.  But God said, "look what I can do."  Cassandra answered that phone call today. Because of the power of God, the way He has moved in all of our lives: the life of Damita who led me to CLM years ago, the lives of Pastors Leo and Regina for leading them to CLM, the life of Cassandra who started after I left but was led to the same spiritual well by Damita, the life of my husband who took a chance and moved up here 13 years ago, to my life and how looking back it has been orchestrated like a delicate quit of worn out, torn, and perfectly brand new pieces of fabric all sewn together for a purpose I couldn't have comprehended 13 years ago.
All these worlds diverged today.  I'm seriously and simply humbled by the way God has had my back through this whole process. 
I won't know for a few days if I get the job.  But even if I don't even if God's only purpose through this whole mind-blowing showcase was to show me who He is, I'm going to praise Him and thank Him for letting me know that nothing in my life is so small that He can't attend to my needs.  Today, I was the proud kid who sat back and said, "That's MY Father!"
Thank you Lord for being the very air that I breathe.  Thank you for continuing to show me who you are and what you are capable of and that you love me.  I'm simply amazed.

Friday Five

Linking up with Joy again this week for the Friday FIVE! (between worrying about getting my class work finished for the week for the big game and being sick with a sinus infection I'm not sure what all I've shared before so please forgive any repeats)
1. My husband and I were not married in a church.  It's a funny story actually.  From our first date until the day we married was 40 days.  Not kidding.  We got married on the secret for two reasons: 1. I didn't want to give up my place and move in with him and not have anything to fall back on and 2. I needed health insurance and my job was horrible.  We didn't tell my parents and they weren't there when their only daughter married.  We did have a nice reception though.

Well, this coming April we will have been married 7 years and I was thinking about how I really want to renew our vows in our church and in front of our family.  I got to looking at the calendar and noticed that the next time our anniversary falls on a Saturday is next year so on 4/19/14 we will be renewing our wedding vows and having an anniversary party.  I'm just starting to plan (read: pin ideas) for it.  You can check out my Pinterest board HERE I'm in love with this cake:

2. I had given up on American Idol a few years ago.  I felt the auditions where they feature people who are mentally unbalanced or unable to realize they are being made the behind of jokes for TV ratings bothers me. I mean, I'd rather see ALL of the talent you had to choose from instead of the few screamers, can't carry a tune in a bucket wannabe singers.  Call me crazy but I tune into a talent show to watch talent.  I mean if the entire audition process showed nothing but pure talent the top 25, top 10, and winner would be *THAT* much more talented in our eyes, no?
I did enjoy when Steven Tyler was on there even though I still didn't tune in regularly.  This season I just absolutely cannot tolerate Nikki Minaj and I've never been a Mariah Carey fan.  I honestly feel AI has run its course and given all the other talent shows on TV now does winning really mean anything anymore?  I mean other than Carrie Underwood and Kelly Clarkson who are the other winners??
3. I absolutely cannot get enough of the show Scandal on ABC on Thursday nights.  I love politics and this show has plenty of that.  It's an amazing show.  If you haven't watched it, get ye to Netflix and start with season 1.  It's fast moving and oh so good!!!
4. I am also absolutely in love with the show Double Divas on Lifetime.  The girls on this show are amazing.  I cried last week when a transgendered male to female woman walked into the shop looking for things to feel pretty and Molly treated her no differently than any other woman who has come into the store.  The tears in the customer's eyes threw me over the edge.  Molly said, "I was raised with good Christian values of respect and love" and I've got to say that she exemplified those values with that customer.  If you haven't seen Double Divas please get the to Lifetimetv.com and watch an episode.  You won't be disappointed.
5. I think for 5 I'm going to leave you with some funnies and some things to think about: Funnies:

Things to think about:

Thankful Thursday

Today I'm linking with with Ryan via Joy for Thankful Thursdays (even if I am a little late)

1. Today I am thankful for my salvation and my new relationship with Jesus.  I set out this year not to do the usual (lose weight though I need to lose at a minimum 150 pounds...no lie) or to save money or do better but  to build a relationship with God.  I'm learning to trust Him more, to know that He will provide for all my needs and not to worry so much and stress so much.

2. I'm thankful for the fact that I'm now 13 weeks away from graduation.  Have I mentioned the "grad-school-itis I have y'all?

3. I'm thankful for a second chance job interview a week from today. I got the call today.  I'm praying the Lord will provide for my husband and I this opportunity to use my education, my experience, and my desire to serve others as a way for us to increase our blessings so we can bless others.

4. I'm thankful for my husband's job even if it's sucking up almost every minute of his day and taking away from our time together on the weekends. He's learning new technology that will, one day, open up more opportunities that are better for our family.

5. I'm thankful for my friends, especially Ginger, Wendy, Damita, and Michelle who are helping me to become a better person, who are always there for me when I need them and who love me and I love them.

6. I'm thankful I haven't gotten that "Ferrari" stomach virus though I'm battling through some kind of something.

What are YOU thankful for??

Linking Up Wednesday

Today I'm linking up with a new blogger, Shanna, that I met via JOY

So, in what ways can I be random today?

1. Went to Foster Parent Support Group meeting last night.  I came face-to-face with the girl we gave up to try to make another placement work.  That placement was 'Lyric' and it didn't work.  Of the two girls, I have really missed 'Shay'.  I cried the day she went to a new placement.  For awhile it seemed like she had adjustment issues in her new placement that were similar to what we were experiencing in our home.  She's grown a lot in her current placement.  I miss Shay.  I am very angry with myself for giving up on her and how that must have hurt her.  But at the time our home was a powder keg and we were in the final seconds before an explosion. I had to make a choice and I made the best choice I could with the information I had been provided.

The worst thing about foster care? The children aren't the only pawns in the system.  The foster parents are pawns, too.  And the master chess players will say and do anything to meet a desired end or need.  As new FPs we didn't know this. Now, Shay's worker is looking for a forever home for her and every.single.ounce.of.me. wants to slowly S.....L...O....W...L....Y try to integrate her back into our home. I'm going to pray over this.

Yes we had our issues with her but how much of those issues where her, were because of Lyric, because of the too frequent contact with mom, and just being a teen?  After all this is the first time we'd ever been parents and we were given two girls (12,13).  We were clueless.  We still feel clueless.

2. I'm in my last semester of grad school and I'm detesting every.single.minute.of.it.  I think I'm just so ready to be done that I've developed ADHD when it comes to reading my text and completing my assignments.

3. I need to develop a housecleaning, meal planning, and exercise schedule.  Here in Fairmont, WV we've had such crazy weather it has been impossible to come to any kind of schedule.Notice how I blame the weather for not wanting to do anything??  Yesterday and today we've had temps in the upper 60's and low 70's and tomorrow it will be below freezing with snow accumulations.  My head is a mess.

4. Still trying to be a good steward of my faith.  Still attending church and will be starting membership classes on Sunday.

5. My husband's company bought a whole bunch of new expensive equipment and as the IT guy he has to know how to use/run/fix all of it.  The trainer is from India by way of England. My husband is tickled when he sees a face expecting one accent and hearing another.  I got a text this afternoon from my husband that simply said, "Oh em geee he just said "Brilliant!"  I guess it's the little things!!

Getting Real To Get Results

Yesterday was pretty awesome.  Our new church is amazing.  The church family and friends that God is bringing into our lives right now is simply amazing.  I've been jaded by the church for years.  So jaded that I have been left feeling that I'm unworthy.  I've made that comment lately, too.  Not because that's how I was being made to feel by this particular person but because that's how I had been made to feel in the past.  I've tried to live the godly way before and never really made any intention to change.  I wanted to proclaim my faith, my salvation, but I wanted to still be of the world: cursing, gossiping, judging people, hurting them before they hurt me.  I desired the beautiful of God while still finding comfort in my worldly mask of U.G.L.Y.

Yesterday, Pastor Leo preached one of the best sermons I've ever heard.  Prior to him speaking, our youth dance team performed a dance to a song that said, "there's more than I require of you."  Talk about having music speak to your soul.

Pastor began in Rev. 3:20-22 and spoke about a divine invitation we all have.  How our names are written so beautifully on heavenly paper.

He posed the question, "Are we too occupied by other things that we can't hear the knock on the door?"

Other comments he made that I jotted down (in my iPhone notes so Pastor probably thought I was texting the whole time..LOL)

~Only those who have been invited and who have overcome can sit there.
~Jesus might be knocking at your heart but He is speaking to your spirit
~There's a season of hearing what God is saying
~How do I hear/know God is speaking to me?  SLOW UP: REFOCUS

He went on to speak from Luke 4:16-19

This is where Jesus is not just reading from a scroll in the temple but showing you who He really is.

Pastor Leo said that this is YOUR Year.  A year of Purpose.

Luke 14:1-5

You can't overcome until you've been through something.

When we get to a place where we get real with God we'll get results from God.

I'm going to repeat that more for my own benefit than yours:

When we get to a place where we get REAL with God we'll get RESULTS from God.

Then he called Jeff and I up to the front for prayer.  I've been struggling with feelings of worthiness, depression, and bouts of suicidal ideation.  I've had horrendous health struggles that never seem better and doctors seek to "manage" and not "cure."  I've been depending on man to cure what only God can.

I have felt like the world's worst wife.  A burden to my husband.  Here's this wonderful man who would and often does anything I need and instead of seeing that he loves me in spite of all I'm going through thus he is also going through with me, I see myself and bringing him down.

I live in a constant feeling of despair.  I can't give him the children he wants.  I can't even commit to continuing to foster parent, neither can he though, really.  The only thing I can count on is that I won't feel well most of the time, I'll be hurting in ways that I can't describe.  I'll be angry at myself and thus at the world because my life has changed so drastically.  I'll worry, stress, and become anxious over things to the point where I can't shut my brain off to sleep.

This is a pretty miserable situation.

I keep wondering why I'm not seeing any results.  Well...I haven't gotten real.  I mean God knows how I've been feeling yet I haven't gotten real about it.  I haven't sat down and said, "Lord, some days I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again." I've never had a plan.  But it doesn't take much for a semi-intelligent person to realize that by not taking care of my health and eating whatever I want and not focusing on losing weight I'm essentially slowly killing myself through bad life choices.  That stops.

God knows how I'm feeling but until I ask for His help how is he to know I'm serious?

I feel so unworthy of anything good, even my husband.

As Jeff stood behind me in the front of the church yesterday with his hands on my shoulders letting me know that he's got my back and the pastor prayed that we were not just going to be better but that we were going to excel, I cried because I have so much dirt and ugliness to shed.

I have to face some very painful things that long since happened to me and the thought of reliving the pain has been too much for me to bear so every time I got close to it in therapy before I simply quit showing up.  But I'm not getting any better. Old wounds are haunting me.

I deal with intense physical pain daily. I can't do anything about that more than what I'm already doing but add on some pretty painful emotional stuff and life becomes unmanageable.  It simply becomes another thing you just want to stop enduring.

I have too much going for me to allow myself to fall prey to enemy antics in my life.  I'm the daughter of a King.  That makes me a princess.  I'm married to a man who treats me like a queen.  I'm the daughter of two incredible people who greatly exceeded as parents.  I'm the sister to an amazing man who treats his wife like a queen and is doing his all to raise a beautiful princess.  Why would I not want to be here to see this life continue to unfold?

So, here I am.  In this blog post for all of cyberworld to see, giving it up.

Here I am, God, getting real with You, myself, and every other person in the world.  I'm getting real and I'm ready to work with You to give me results.  I don't expect something for nothing.  I know that You are God and all You want for me is to get real with You but I have work to do here, too.

Pastor Leo said that he's read his Bible for many many years and never has he ever read a verse that stated, "You already asked me for that last week" or "You can only come to Me so many times."  He has a way of making God real to us.

So, here I am. I'm making a promise to find a way, either through counseling with my Pastors or through a counselor, but I'm going to work on making myself get real because I want results.  And those results I want are a happier and healthier life, not death by my own hand.

So, bear with me and if you're a praying person please keep me lifted up.  I know I'm struggling but I know that I don't have to anymore.  And through God's word I've found the easy way out of a life of struggle is not suicide..it's Him.

I choose Him.

Never Meant To Be

Tonight I saw pictures on Facebook of "Lyric" the 13 year old foster child we had for four months that we had every intention of adopting.  I realized that I have zero feelings when I look at the picture.

My husband and I tried desperately to get her to want to be a family member, to love us, to see us as her parents.  We wanted so badly for her to be our child.  We wanted to adopt her and ride off into the sunset of our lives with a beautiful daughter.

But it didn't happen.

Maybe it was my fault.  Maybe we weren't strict enough parents.  Maybe I didn't love her enough or support her enough.  Maybe it's because biological mom lived less than a mile from our house, walked past our house often and "Lyric" was never going to accept her present leaving her completely unable to attend to any future plans let alone putting her past behind her.

Maybe it was my fault because I indulged her in allowing her to have more authority or power than a 13 year old should.  I was the opposite of what I have been trained as a counselor to be: I was sympathetic instead of empathetic.

I bought into the narrative that any medication she was on was because of medicated compliance at a residential treatment facility.  She never accepted she needed medication and at some point I gave up the fight because I didn't want the drama of the screaming, yelling, running away, and tantrums you would expect out of a toddler not a teenager.

I felt alone.  I felt defeated.  I felt elated when she left.  I hate I felt that way.  Looking back now, over that entire four month period of my life and the two months since we asked for her to be rehoused I feel nothing like I thought I would.

I miss the Lyric she was when she was appropriately treated and her personality was stable.
I miss the Lyric who would say silly ditzy things and realize how silly it was and giggle.
I miss the Lyric I projected my hopes and dreams of motherhood on.
I miss the possibilities.

I don't miss the Lyric who screamed profanities at me.
I don't miss the Lyric who lied to school teachers/secretaries that I punish her when she's sick.
I don't miss the Lyric who called our house "embarrassing" and "poor."
I don't miss the Lyric who threw things at me.
I don't miss the Lyric who would never accept rules and structure and had to call almost every member of her "team" to find someone to sympathize with her.
I don't miss the Lyric that left me depressed, exhausted, and questioning why we had chosen foster care.

We still aren't sure we're willing to do foster care again. I know the children come with issues but I also know there are awesome kids out there.  I know we may get another Lyric and we may not. But to invest so much of yourself into something that failed so horribly isn't something my heart is open to and I don't know if it ever will be.

It didn't help, as much as I thought it would, to be told "well I thought the placement was a bad idea in the first place and I said so much to the team."  I really could have used that knowledge when I was in the thick of it trying to hold everything and everyone together.

I have never wrestled with a decision more than I have with whether or not we want to foster again. With any luck I'll be back to work in a week or two and I won't have the time away from work in order to bond with a child or run to pick up a placement.

But what really hurts my heart the most from all of this: looking at her pictures tonight that were taken yesterday and not feeling a single thing.  No, I take that back.  I do feel something.  Relief.  I wasn't the mom she needs and I was never going to be the mom she would accept as mom.

Foster parenting is so hard. Infertility is miserable.  I need help processing feelings I thought I already processed.  I, a counselor, need counseling.

If this post seems jumbled, it's because my mind is jumbled, my heart is jumbled, and my life is jumbled.  But not for much longer.  I'm going to fix this and get back on track.