Me No Likey The New Blogger Format

Okay, now that I got my only complaint out of the way in the title, what's new here?

I quit my job today.  Yesterday my boss and I had a very nice talk.  I called up a local after-school program that has a summer program for six weeks in the summer that would have allowed me to work a couple days a week while the kids attended as Jr. Volunteers who got to go places like the local wave pool, water parks, and other fun field trips while having reading and math retention lessons.  We discussed me going to two days a week during the summer (possibly three which was one more day then I wanted) and then go back to my full 29 hours in the fall.  I left work yesterday thinking, "I got this!"  But I didn't.

Last night was Pride class 7 and I asked our SW, "how do your other families who have kids the age group we're taking do the summer months with limited child care options?"  His answer was simple:  they don't.  None of his foster families that have children in the teen ages have two working parents.  One parent works at an outside job and the other is the primary caregiver.  It was then I started to think, "I need to quit."

I've never been a mom before.  I have no idea what it takes to be a mother.  I'm also a grad student.  I'm also a part time employee and a wife. I'm also a person living with RA.  I am a person who thinks she can do everything without thinking that she has limitations.  I have limitations.  I need to accept that and not take on too much.

So today, when my boss went out to the post office and the bank, I slapped a post it on my resignation letter and slapped it on her desk.  When she came back, I was sitting in the dark (I had a horrible migraine) with my Nook open trying to stay awake and I think she knew.  She made a comment about giving her a gift (meaning my Nook) and I said, 'Um yes" then she looked at me and knew what was waiting for her and she said, "um, no".  I literally wanted to cry and throw up at the same time.  I've never hated quitting a job so much in my life.  I left shortly after just too sick from my headache and remorse to finish the day.  I came home and slept for five hours and felt a lot better.

My Chicken Shit way of quitting

My attempts at an artistic photo while having double vision and nausea.

After coming home sick trying to keep the light away.

This is the strangest time in my life. We think we know what to expect but at the very same time we know we have absolutely NO idea what we're getting into.  None. We got a social history on a young lady we were considering expressing interest in to adopt.  We were surprised to know our SW already had some general idea of this child.  Unfortunately, it is not a situation we can commit ourselves.  My heart broke for her.  My heart has been broken so many times over the two months we have been taking classes.  I know my heart will continue to break many many times in bigger and more hurtful ways through this process but it will be worth it in the end.  I know this.  My husband knows it.  And while we're scared silly, we're ready for it.

Fairy wings hanging from the ceiling of the local 50's-60's diner.  Photo op too good to pass up!

And who wouldn't want to parent with this dude?  What kid wouldn't love to have this dude as his/her father?

I Quit Na Na Na Boo Boo

Here I sit, at my desk at work and on the hutch beside me is my letter of resignation. 

March 27, 2012

Major Daniel T
Heather H.

It is after much prayer and thought that I have reached the decision to resign my position as part time case worker effective Friday, April 13, 2012.  I am about to enter into a time in my life when I need to shift my focus from being an employee to being a mother, as this has always been my dream.  I have enjoyed my time here at The Salvation Army and upon accepting the position I did not have any idea my time here would be for such a short period of time.

I would love to be able to support The Salvation Army through volunteering and definitely intend to do so.  Please keep my name and number on file for those times when you need someone to fill in or need that extra volunteer.

Thank you for all the support you’ve given me and for making The Salvation Army a wonderful place to work.

Sincerely,

Allison T.

So there it is.  It's printed, signed, but not yet sealed and delivered.  She knows it's coming even though I, like a playa, led her on to think I would stay, but deep down I think she knows I'm outtie.

Now, if I can just get up the nerve to walk it 20 feet and slap it down on her desk.

Thinking Like A Mom

I had a slight anxiety attack this afternoon and, as usual, my mom knew exactly what to say.  For the first time in forever I felt like a grown ass woman even though I was kinda crying like a baby.  I honestly felt the support of my mom through a phone call.  It felt good.  Please don't read that to mean she wasn't/hasn't been supportive because she has but today was EXACTLY what I needed.

We are/were in the market for a bigger car to accompany our expanding family; however, I have had some anxiety over the situation.  I mean the material side of me wants to drive a shiny new car off the Hyundai lot  next month just like my parents and brother/sister-in-law have done this month; however, we are paying off all of our credit card debt freeing up a sizable amount of money from Mr. T's salary allowing me to be a SAHM.  Thinking today about quitting my job (that's a whole other issue) and realizing that I have been working to make ends meet because of this massive payment we've been making and how we're going to be getting into a $400 a month car payment made me scared.  Down right anxious. 

So over Mr. T's birthday dinner I just came out with it like word vomit:  "We can't buy a car."  Mr. T looked rather panicked but I explained that until we learn what our monthly budget will be with our children we can't get into any new debt.  Once we see how much our regular monthly expenses increase and what we have financially to work with, then by all means let's go buy a SUV but until then, I just can't. 

My boss does not want me to quit working; however, after going over and over it in my mind and talking to my mom today who reminded me that I will only have a VERY SHORT time with my babies before they will be leaving the nest it is important that I be home with them. We don't need my part time income.  When I think about how the extra money would be nice, I then think: $8.00 an hour for 29 hours a week v.s. spending time with my babies.  Well, there's no contest.

So, tomorrow I have to go into work and do what I have intended to do since last Friday and stick to it.  I'm going to resign.  I'm going to leave my position even though I've only been in it for three months, to fulfill the dream that has been in my heart since I met my husband.

There's no amount of money, no fancy car, nothing is more important that getting the chance to be a mother.

I love my mom.  Her example is what's going to make me a good mom.  And her willingness to listen to me cry through my fears on the phone proves how wonderful she's going to continue to be as I walk into parenting with my eyes wide shut.

Connections

Ever seen a picture of a person (in our case a child) and felt an instant connection?  That's how Jeff and I have been going through this Foster-to-adopt adventure.  Once we saw the picture of R over a year ago we knew "there's our son."  After we saw R we saw a sibling group of three C, T, and T and decided if things didn't work out with R we'd consider the entire sibling group since they are to be adopted together.  Today I checked the adoption registry, as I do daily, and there are two new faces: J and Q. 

J is a 13 year old boy much like our R but I just don't feel the connection.  Q is an 11 year old girl who has such a beautiful face and a head of natural black hair.  In her I see my daughter just like I see my son in R.  Both are African American.  Both R and Q would complete our family. 

The hard question before us is: do we hold open two beds while we wait to see if we're a match for these children or do we open our home to foster children until a match is official?  I don't want to make children have to get comfortable somewhere and then move because we are making way for our forever children.  I can't imagine what kind of a message that would send but adoption is our primary reason for entering into foster parenting.

That's not to say that we don't want to foster children, we do; however, we're ultimately looking for family completion.  I've asked our licensing specialist what we should do, keep a bed open, take in kids and wait to see what happens even though that means the kids may have to be moved and he said that it's a decision J and I would have to make ourselves.  It's a tough decision.

I don't want to put all my eggs in one basket and take the chance of missing out on another child who may become just as adoptable and complete our lives as R and Q.  We may end up meeting with R and Q and realizing that we just aren't suitable matches.  There are so many variables that it's difficult to make the decision. 

I wrestle with having my heart broken.  I know it's going to happen.  I have already invested so much of myself into R and now I'm starting to do the same with Q that I just know somewhere along the line one or, perhaps, neither option will work out.  It scares me that I'm already invested in these children and they aren't even on the radar of being mine yet.

That's the hard thing.  Foster parenting is like a box of chocolates: you never know what you're going to get and so is adoption.  Resigning yourself to accepting the fact you'll only become a parent through someone else is one thing, but accepting that you'll become a parent through the fault of another person is weird.  Not bad.  Nothing to fear.  Just weird.

Things will work out the way they are intended.  I know that.  It's the unknown that is troubling me today.  It's the unknown that keeps me afraid of getting my heart broken.  But it's also the unknown that keeps me fighting.

I'm not sure at what point I'll feel like a mom.  Maybe it will take me as long to feel like a mom as it will for these children to call me mom.  But what I do know is I'm giving this my full time and attention.  I'm leaving my job on Friday, April 13th (what a day, huh?) and I will be a full time stay at home mother when our children come to us in whatever manner than they come. 

Today and everyday I cling to Jeremiah 29:11:  For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you.

Trayvon Martin

This tragic news story has rocked me to my core.  You would have to be living under a rock to not have heard about this news story by now or else you've been watching Fox News and missed the one and only time they reported on the story.  A 17 year old black boy was killed, shot in the chest, by a "neigborhood watch commander" who found a black teen boy armed only with a bag of Skittles and a bottle of Iced Tea, a hoodie, and weighed a hundred pounds less than him threatening. This shooting was justified when the police arrived because of Florida's 'Stand Your Ground' law.  Simply put, if the person felt threatened to the point where bodily harm including the use of deadly force was necessary it's legal. 

Everytime they show Trayvon's face on the news my blood runs cold.  Why?  Because I see MY son's face.  The boy we've expressed interest in adopting is black.  He's 13.  He has the same innocent eyes, playful smile, and skin color as Trayvon.  The thought of my son being murdered because he was black, wearing a hoodie and armed with high fructose corn syrup products makes my heart break.

I live in West Virginia.  I've always lived here. I'm white from an upper middle class family and I've been very fortunate.  I've only experienced racism after telling people our goal is to adopt a black or bi-racial children.  The hatred we have in this country still in regards to race is nothing short of horrifying.

West Virginia has the same 'Stand Your Ground' law.  That means if we adopt R someone who can convey he felt threatened enough, may kill my son and walk away still armed with a loaded weapon and that thanks from the local police department.  This scares the shit out of me.

I'm an activist in small little ways for minorities and the LGBT community because it matters to me.  As a white suburban woman who is the future mother of African American children THIS IS MY CAUSE.  As a human being who cares about other human beings THIS IS MY CAUSE.

This post probably isn't making a bit of sense because of the emotion that I have in relationship to the topic but for the first time in my life I'm fearful for the lives of the beautiful faces of the black children I see in my neighborhood, at the mall, and just around town.  While West Virginia is a small, quiet, and safe state, it's also a very backwards and racist state where almost everyone is armed and ready to aim and fire. 

I have a different viewpoint now.  I have on parent glasses.  And for the first time in my life I see past the beautiful landscape, the mountains, and the wildlife.  And what I'm seeing isn't so pretty.  I plan on trying to find out HOW those of us in WV who disapprove of a 'Stand Your Ground' Law can fight it and then I plan on taking my fight as far as I need to.

I am Trayvon Martin's mother.  My future son is Trayvon Martin. All of our children black, white, Hispanic or Asian are Trayvons.  We must not allow another tragedy like this to happen. Not in my front yard.  Not in my back yard.  Not on my Country Roads.

Once, Twice, Three Times M'lady

By 9pm tonight we will have had three foster parent classes this week. Tuesday we learned about (oh heck, what did we learn about...*Jeopardy music* Oh that's it about support circles, how to handle after visitation meltdowns, etc.  Last night he came to our home and we did Polices and Procedures, and tonight is about discipline. 

Last night I had my first of many I'm sure, breakdowns.  What if I mess up?  What if these children never like me let alone love me?  What if we don't get Robert to adopt (he's already MY child in MY heart which is dangerous territory I know)?  I cried.  And my husband, Mr. Tomahawk?  Well, as usual he was my prince charming who rode in on a green recliner to save the day.

I was petting our 9 year old dog and talking to her about how I was feeling (hey, we talk to our pets around here ;-) and my husband said, "and her mom will do fine."  I questioned him, "My mom will do fine?"  "No, I was talking to the dog.  Lola's mom will be just fine."

I had to talk about the way I was bullied in high school last night.  I only scrapped the very ugly surface and once he left I began to become overwhelmed. Not from my own past of being bullied but about the thought of our children, who will be seen by new classmates as "outsiders" and perhaps even "misfits" and my heart broke for the bullying that they might experience.  Children are so cruel to other children and what if my black child's classmates see him with a white mama and pick on him for it? 

I'm a built in 'yo mama' joke;  I'm fat, I'm pasty white, and I'm clueless.  But the important thing is that I will be there just like my parents were for me when I went through it.  My mom posed this question today: what if it's YOUR child who is the bully?  Whoa.  Never considered that.  That's why I love my mom she can drive me crazy with her over protective worrying at times just like any mother but she's got such a good head on her shoulders and thinks of things I never would have.  I'll still be at that Principal's office first thing the next morning working to FIX the issue.  And poor will there be an X-box free child in MY home!! :-)

Today we got signed up for our CPR and First Aid classes. Monday we need to get our TB tests and copy our driver's licenses and car registrations and buy a first aid kit and we're ready in that respect.  I just called my Rheumatologist's office to ask my doctor to write a letter that simply states my Re.icade is working and that I'm okay to foster.  The SW doesn't NEED this but I WANT to provide it. 

I'm also putting in notice at my job on Monday.  I will work through April 27, 2012.    Along with Foster Parenting comes: driving them to weekly natural family visitations (unless we are able to adopt Robert), taking them to medical appointments (ADHD children will have monthly psychiatric appointments), and monthly MDT meetings, I want to be a homeroom mother (though the summer is coming up but I'm planning ahead) and then there's just the general: they can't stay home alone, our age group is too old for daycare, so I won't have to worry about finding someone to watch them while I work.

Things are rolling along nicely.  I'm scared, nervous, anxious, excited, did I mention scared?  I hope this makes sense because I'm writing it while at work and I've had to start/stop numerous times.

Changes

As we get closer to finishing up our training and becoming foster parents, we are trying to decide what kind of parents we want to be.  What kind of traditions do we want to start?

Now, we may get a child or two in here that we are able to adopt and have forever.  We may get children we'll foster for 6 months to a year or longer.  The traditions we estabilish will be just as much for our memories in life as for the children that experience them with us.

The first thing we have elected to begin once we have children is Sunday Family Days.  Jeff and I were supposed to start attending church again today but due to us both  recovering from Bronchitis and quite honestly I overslept we didn't make it today!

We hope our Sundays go as follows:  attend church, come home and make a big Sunday Dinner that we eat as a family.  I will invite my parents to join us if they are able.  I think it will be nice to have one day a week where we kind of focus on faith and family and getting rested and prepared to start a new work/school week.

I know this is going to be a huge change for us.  But I'm so looking forward to it.

Big Week Next Week.

Last night was foster parenting class #4 on Grief/Loss the child experiences as he/she is removed from the biological home or when the parental rights are terminated and the child learns he/she will not be going back home.  It was interesting.  It's also very hard to comprehend what these children will experience and have faced in their lives. 

My parents were not able to go and meet with our social worker for finger printing last night so next week they have double the opportunity.  Next week on Tuesday will cover PRIDE class #5 and then on Wednesday he will come to our home to go over policies and procedures, go over our personal self-studies and foster child inventory, and do a walk through to see what all needs completed/fixed/brought up to code/standards in our home. 

So far we've already:
1. Bought 2 emergency escape ladders in the event of fire (even though it's the state's requirement and not our agency's specific requirement..better to have them and not need them then need them and not have them, right??)
2. Bought a 7 pound fire extinguisher (we only were required to have 5 pounds but we're overachievers).
3. Bought furniture that will be delivered and rooms set up ready for our kids before he gets here on Wednesday!!
4. Established a working office/homework/gaming areas
5. Set up New Parents registries at Target and Walmart (we used the baby registries but they have big kid things since we don't need baby items!)
6. Had our physicals and turned in that paperwork.
7. Had all 7 of our pets vaccinated and submitted that paperwork.
8. Provided all insurance (home and auto) declaration statements
9. Began researching books to help the children adjust to a new home, new school, how to make new friends.
10. Began looking for chore charts and deciding upon which chores we will be assigned.

Mr. Tomahawk and I have made major strides in our marriage and in our ability to communicate with each other though this process.  Last night during class Mr. Tomahawk expressed concerns/fears he has over parenting even though he's overly excited.  I, being the counselor/therapist that I am, laid it out on the table for Mr. Tomahawk and the social worker:  he is afraid he will be has tough on the self-esteem/self-image on the children as his parents were on him.  I laid it all out and I think that made Mr. T feel so much better because not only was it out in the open and acknowledged but he had both myself and the social worker explain to him that he will rise above, he will be able to parent and instill positive self-esteem/image to a child and if he finds himself in a situation where he's having difficulty that's where tag-team parenting comes into play.

We've decided that since the case worker will be in our home monthly to meet with our child/ren, we want to allow the children to have private time with the case worker BUT we also want to sit down as a family with the case worker monthly to grow as a family and address issues that we may be having as parents with the children as well as issues the children may have with us as parents.  We can't fix what we don't know is wrong.

We have decided that whether or not our children arrive with arrangements for counseling, we will be working as a family to get the children into family and individual counseling so that they are able to adjust appropriately and learn healthy coping skills.  I can teach that but I need to be mom and not therapist all the time.

Well, I probably have a lot more to update; however, my brain is shutting down for the night.  From tomorrow night through the weekend we'll be doing a lot to get the home ready.  I'm sure I'll have mucho pictures by the end of the weekend!!!

Plans Are Made To Be Messed Up

Well, my last post dictated BIG plans for putting our daughter's room together on Saturday.  It didn't happen.  I started coming down with a chest cold that is now full blown bronchitis so I spent most of Saturday sleeping trying to fight off the germs.

Sunday we went to my brother's for his 30th birthday and I got to see my brother, his incredible wife, but most importantly my utterly adorable niece.  Oh my heavens she's my world!!!

Yesterday I woke up at Death's Door and even though I went to work, I ended up going to the doctor and getting an antibiotic and a cough medicine with hydro.codone.  I was worried about taking the cough medicine because I don't like narcotics so I didn't take very much last night.  Today (the doctor had me off work for the day) I was so miserable (feels like my ribs are broken. I've hurt less after spending a night throwing up then I do from these coughing fits) that I took more of the cough medicine twice today and I feel sooo much better.  I sound like a squeaky mouse but I feel so much better.

Tonight is Foster Parenting class #4.  We'll address issues related to grief and loss the child will go through as they are removed from their home or after parental rights were terminated as well as our own grief/loss for when children go home.  My parents are also meeting us there at 5:30pm to get fingerprinted so we have our approved emergency care givers that are necessary for our home study completion.

This weekend the beds for the boys will be delivered.  This weekend will be a very busy one where I will be working setting up bedrooms while Mr.Tomahawk will be cleaning out the basement.

Big events of last week:  We are now the proud owners of two emergency fire escape ladders and a seven pound fire extinguisher.  We're still trying to find a CPR/First Aid class to take to get that out of the way and then we need to get our TB tests.  Mr. Tomahawk can go to the local urgent care clinic to get his while I have to see my Rheumatologist to get mine.  At first I had to wait a week after my infusion to get it but now that I've gotten bronchitis I have to wait another week.  No biggie.

Mr. Tomahawk and I have been discussing when I will be quitting my job or whether or not I will continue working after placement.  I suppose we need to make a decision as to whether or not we want to foster to adopt, focus only on adoption or foster until we're selected for adoption.

We have expressed interest in THIS beautiful young man. We won't know anything about him or our chances of adopting him until our home study is completed and sent to the state agency in who makes the adoption decisions.  If we are not seen to be a match for him, THESE darling children are on our hearts. So we're kind of in a place where our hearts are already assigned to these children but are open to fostering.  We will only be able to have three children (four at most if we put two girls in the same room but I don't think the room is big enough for two people to share).  What do we do if we are fostering but are approved for one of these situations?  Is our second biggest bedroom large enough to have three young men in the room with a twin bed and bunk bed?  Could we do all four?

I guess we'll have to make that decision when the time comes.  I'm very excited for this change in our lives.   Mr. Tomahawk is also very excited.  He has been more apprehensive about three children than I; however, he finally explained to me why:  we have one bathroom.  Well, we technically have a toilet/shower in the basement so we have more than one potty but we technically only have one bathroom for all these people.  We have the ability to put in a half bath on the first floor and we intend to get estimates on completing that task.  But I thought it was hilarious that of all the usual things parents worry about the fact we have one bathroom was his biggest concern.  I love that man!!!

All of our furry children have been vaccinated as per foster care guidelines.  I giggled last week when I asked him what our home study will say and he said he'll list all kind of things including the names of our pets and the dates of vaccination.  Why did I giggle?

Meet our one and a half year old black cat:  Farty.  That means that somewhere in our home study will read: one cat, Farty, was vaccinated on March 8, 2012.  Hahahaha.  Someone at the state will look at it and go, 'they have a cat named Farty?'  Hahaha I just find that hilarious.  

Her name was originally Ellie Mae but she's such a stinker that I took to calling her Fart-tart and then that got shortened to Farty and now that's all she'll answer to.  So, she is our Farty Mae.  hahahahaha.

Well, I'm sure I'll be back to update on the progress later in the week.  Until then.......

It’s been an eventful couple of weeks at the Tomahawk Homestead. 

Within a week I started and stopped the Grace and Strength diet.  I was just not able to sustain myself on 500 calories a day.  Plus the HcG spray caused me to develop a horrible case of hives.  I don’t fault anyone who is able to succeed on the diet.  I mean I’ve seen the before and after pictures and a lot of people do have some fabulous results; however, it’s just not right for me. 

Wednesday night was Foster-to-Adopt parenting class # 3.  We couldn’t be anymore excited then we are.  The PRIDE topic was attachment.  We watched a video on ways in which children are abused/neglected and what attachment issues these the children may experience given these experiences and it broke our hearts.  Just to think there are people out there who knowingly and willingly abuse/neglect children just makes me so angry.  I just cannot comprehend it. 

I have purchased almost everything we need to set up bedrooms for the children.   Tomorrow we will be putting a room together for our future daughter.  Of course we won't know if we'll have a daughter to adopt or just foster, but I will have a nice, pretty room set up for her.  I'll post pictures on Monday after I get everything looking perfect!

Next weekend it's the boys' room.  I have bought two of the headboards in the picture:

I was going to get the whole bed; however, it was just too expensive.  To have gotten two complete twin beds (headboard, footboard, rails, mattress, and box spring would have been $1,249 so I got the headboard, metal frames, mattress and box springs and paid $940.00). 

I also bought two of these chest of draws for the boys.

I hope they match as well as they appear to in the comparison of pictures!!

I've had friends ask me about hosting a foster-to-adopt New Parent Shower.  One friend who lives in Nebraska wants to have me an "online" shower for my non-local friends, one of my local friends has offered me a place to have one should anyone locally want to throw us a local shower.

I know it may not seem common place; however, we are about to be brand new parents and there's a great deal of expense that comes with it just like with parents who are about to have a baby. We will receive children who won't have clothes, books, toys, school supplies, shoes, or anything else that most people take for granted.  And, well, being an infertile woman who is adopting in a non-conventional means, having a shower will be the one last piece of "normality" to becoming a mom that I can think of.  Nothing else my husband and I will be going through to become parents will be "normal" and I would love to have that experience for myself.  A day where my husband and I are celebrated and supported through friends and family as we embark on becoming parents.  The only thing I can think to tell anyone to get us is gift cards so we can take the children clothes shopping, get them new games/toys/books/etc.  anything to help them feel more at home and comfortable.  I know it probably sounds selfish but am I not allowed to be selfish a little bit?

Yesterday we got our final set of fingerprints taken. We still need to get trained in CPR and First Aid.  That's proving to be our most challenging part.  I keep trying to get a date from our local ambulance company but they haven't set anything up yet.

Well, I've blathered on enough.  Time to get ready to get home from work and get the weekend started. I have bedrooms to decorate!!!