Gifts of the Season Follow Up

I made a post earlier this week about the HOTTEST GIFTS for this upcoming holiday season. I thought I had found ALL the best ones but I was so so so very very very wrong. So, here's an addendum.

1.

Who wouldn't want a Ginger Crystal Ponycorn Unicorn for $85.  I wish I could think of something funny to say about this but IT'S A TOY UNICORN AND IT'S EIGHTY FIVE DOLLARS!!!!!!!  Real life unicorns don't cost THAT much.

2. 

The touch.  The feel.  The fabric of our ears. Cotton.  What is the entire history of WTFs are these things??? When I was able to make jewelry (before Rheumatoid Arthritis robbed me of my abilities) I never thought, "let me go get a pair of underwear out of my drawer and chop them up and scrunch them up and attach a fish hook wire to them.  SURELY some woman would love to wear pieces of my undies from her ears."  But hey maybe you have that kind of, um, "lady" on your gift list so here ya go.  You can thank me later. 

3. 

Looking for this years Christmas cards?  If you're like me you usually stick with something religious and about Christ because, well, duh He IS the reason for the season. But if you are looking for something completely different so as not to offend you heathen friends may I suggest these dragon flies positioned to look like a Christmas tree cards.  

4. 

This is here for the simple absurdity of it.  WHO GOES ON ETSY TO BUY PAPER LUNCH BAGS THAT WALMART HAS IN THEIR PAPER GOOD AISLE 1,000 BAGS FOR $0.75????? *fights air*

5. 

Remember those 1980's Heavy Hair Metal Band spandex pants that are all the rage for men in my last post? If you are buying those pants for your man or a man in your life, you MUST buy these to wear at the same time he wears his hair band pants because you know what they say, "A couple who goes out into public in weird looking tights together gets laughed at and pointed at together."

6. 

Who? Who? Who would wear this????????????  I guess a better question would be who wouldn't wear this?  I mean owls are all the rage right now.  These are ideal for that quiet friend who never speaks to people and works in a cubical.  Buy this for her and have her wear it all day in her cubicle to see WHO notices.  It will surely be a HOOT!

7. 

Well, okay then.  I mean if you're THAT hellbent on smoking and advertising that you gladly put out $7 a pack of ciggies a day and that's why you smell like Hell's furnace then go you.  I would highly suggest that if you actually USE this as your phone cover that you contact Marlboro and see if you can't get paid for marketing for their death sticks.

8. 

I know I have had a couple of underwear posts (Thank You For Being A Friend Period Panties??) but I promise I don't have a fetish.  And I don't think these can be considered "underwear" because it doesn't cover your "undertheres."  That's right, these lovely Cat Open Crotch Slipknot Thongs do not cover your personal kitty.  But men, I'm sure if you buy these for that special woman she'll be sure to purrrrrchase some real panties with a crotch because THE CROTCH IS THE POINT OF UNDERWEAR.  FYI.  

9. 

For all those insecure women out there who think another woman wants your problem man, you may want to pick up a "this Guy Loves His Wife" tee-shirt.  I'm sure he'll wear this to poker night, to the bar for Monday Night Football, and his bowling league because you already know the "guys" have been razzing your man because he doesn't already have a shirt proclaiming his undying love for you.  

10. 

What man wouldn't want a bulletin board in his pocket that holds his money, credit cards, and all those pictures of you that you make him carry on his person at all times.  I'm all for being a Vegan but at some point you have to draw a line.  Don't want to use leather for a wallet?  Fine.  Make out of of duct tape but NOT A BULLETIN BOARD.  

11. 

I can't even wrap my head around this one.  Sure the Pokemon tie I covered in my last post was semi-probable.  I mean a man might actually think it funny to wear one of those but WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD YOUR MAN WANT TO WEAR YOUR SORORITY COLORS AS A BOW TIE?????  I just can't.

12. 

It's a tee-shirt, Bitch!!  Pretty sure this one is unisex.  Hey, Have an A-1 Day!!

13. 

This is for that person who always complains about how unfashionable those silly white strings are that run from their ipod to the earbuds.  Nothing makes you look more like a dork than having crochet ropes hanging from your ears to your ipod but hey, who am I to judge??

14. 

This Acoustic Bamboo speaker is sure to make all the JayZ songs on your ipod sound like he's rapping to pan flute music.  

15. 

And not to leave the pets out because those of us who have furry family members (with four legs, I'm not talking about your weird Uncle Dick with the furry back and ear canals) always buy them gifts, here's a sure fire way to ensure your dog will eat your couch AND love seat when you leave for work after making him go trick or treating looking like a sheep.  Making your dog wear this would be very baaaaaaaaaaaad.  

And there you go.  Sorry I couldn't make the narrative as funny as last time but honestly the fact people not only make these things but also try to get you to buy them is funny enough.

Happy Shopping!!!

Greatest Christmas Gifts of 2013

Since Oprah no longer has her own show, there's no one to step in and present us with his/her FAVORITE THINGS or give us great Christmas gift suggestions for those hard to buy for people on our lists.

Fear not, I come to rescue you!!

Here is my list of awesomely great gifts for your 2013 Holiday gift giving season.

1.

These are called Tropical high waisted bikini shorts/knicker shorts.  I call them Thank You For Being a Friend Period Panties/ Depends Cover.  Because the minute I saw them the unforgettable da da dum opening notes of the Gold Girl's Theme song played in my head.  My sister in law says Blanche probably wore these but I'm putting my money on Sophia.

2.

These are called Circle Round Retro Sunglasses.  I call them Harry Pearl-ter Eye Shades.  If I may be so bold, I suggest you buy these in conjunction with gift #1 as a "set" for that "special" woman in your life.  

3.

These glitter Clothespins are perfect for that lazy friend or family member who can't be bothered to go to Walmart and make their own for less than $2.00. *Author's note, I would use these more as paper clips than clothes pins because who wants glitter in their tropical period panties?

4.

For the woman who has everything and is always filling up your News feed or Timeline professing her love of the Pumpkin Spice Latte, or the PSL for those of you Hipsters, these earrings may be the best gift she's received since her period after that really awful one-night stand.  Never under estimate the "Ahhh" factor when she opens a box to see two perfectly cut pieces of polymer clay pie slices with a dollop of Cool Whip.  **For added Wow Factor, single men dating that women who keeps expecting a ring,  you may wish to box these in a ring box from Jared the Galleria of Jewelry.  It will be a gift sure to be discussed and laughed about during your 50th anniversary.  Or you she will in turn get you a Match.com gift card as your gift.   Could go either way.

5.

Every single woman should have a pair of Panties with Uterus print briefs underwear in their lingerie drawer. Sure, you're man will think it's a stretched out print of a Storm Trooper, but it teaches him a valuable lesson about your innards.  If you're skinny enough the print on these panties may actually line up with your actual reproductive organs.  That would be epic.  But to a man this is a Rorschach Test and if asked he'll always see a Storm Trooper or one of those cow skulls they hang on the wall over the fire place in Texas.

6.

And not to appear sexist and leave the men out, this beauty is labeled, "UNISEX".  This is a sure winner for any holiday Ugly Sweater party.  What woman would not want to wear a sweatshirt with a floppy disk labeled PORN on her chest while sporting an upside down cross with a halo.  Definitely worth the $50 price tag, right?

7. 

This bow tie is the perfect gift for the professional in your life.  Who would't be more at ease whenever their doctor/lawyer/pastor/financial adviser walks into the room with this Pokemon bow tie?  I bet Michelle buys Barrack one for Christmas.  For only $8 the man in your life can have this manly and understated tie for all his professional endeavors.

8.

For the man who doesn't want to fool with the hassle of having/caring for a beard but often thinks during walks in the winter that all he's missing to keep warm is a beard, here's the best gift for him.  Also makes a great gift for that one friend or family member you truly believe knocks off banks and 7-11's in his spare time.

9.

For that knight in shining armor in your life, this crochet knight helmet WITH MOVABLE VISOR is essential.  Now, if the visor did not move I would caution you not to waste $35 of your hard earned money on this but since it is movable and can transform your man from Dork to Knight in seconds it's well worth the money!!!

10. Saving the best for last:

Just like the 80's had Cabbage Patch Kids and the 90's had Tickle Me Elmos, 2013's has the Hard-To-Find-Super-In-Demand-Item is the Men's 80's Heavy Hair Metal Glam Rock Bon Jovi Neon Spandex Stripped Pants. Every woman I have spoken with has said how hard it has been to track these down for her man. These Glam Man Pants are on the top of every man's Christmas/Hannukah/Kwanzaa gift list!  And for only $29.99 you don't have to break the bank.  **Air guitar included.

So there you have it.  The top 10 Must Have items for your holiday shopping.  If I were Oprah, which I'm not, I would be throwing out pairs of female reproductive part panties to everyone!  You get panties!  And  YOU get panties!!  EVERY BODY GETS PANTIES!!!

HAPPY SHOPPING!!!!