Day Late..but...

I'm a day late on my Thanksgiving What I'm Thankful For post.  I spent yesterday with my family and that was more important then remembering this thing.

I am thankful for: my family.  My mom just lost her best friend to cancer on Monday.  She was 61 years old.  My dad just turned 60 and my mom will turn 29 in March (I'm not stupid!).  I'm so thankful they are healthy and still with me.  When I think of my childhood friend Chris having to bury his mother at 37, well it just makes me sick.

I'm thankful for: seeing the happiness on my parents' faces when their granddaughter is around.  Amelia is the life of our family.  Her little giggles and smiles and her silliness are just so amazing that there are hardly any words to describe it.  I can't believe she's going to be two.  It seems like she's growing way too fast but it also seems like she's been in our family forever.

I'm thankful for: no longer grieving my infertility, miscarriage, or motherhood.  I still look at the calendar on those "days" when I remember what was and should have been and I pause and sometimes I cry but I feel whatever emotion comes up and I move along.  I'm not stuck in the past anymore.

I'm thankful for: my husband.  Our story is crazy.  It's unbelievable.  But he's honestly my only true love.  I was engaged before. I dated a lot.  But never did I have a man who loved me and cared for me the way my husband does.  He's my heart.  He's my soul.  He's my life.  I love him.



I'm thankful for: my dog and my cats.  They are my children and I love them so much.  My Lola girl is almost 10.  I get so sick thinking how old she's getting and the thought of her not being around breaks my heart but she's still spunky and she's just an awesome dog!!

I'm thankful for: finding out I'm crafty and can make money being crafty!  I'll be doing my first craft fair on December 1st. I can't wait.

I'm thankful for so many things but most importantly I'm thankful for God.  Without Him, I'd have none of the things I'm thankful for.

I hope you take time out of shopping and think about what you're thankful for.

I Have So Much to be Thankful For

this year.  The year started out with us knowing we were going to have a completely different ending, but alas it didn't.  We won't be playing Santa this year.  That's kind of hurtful and okay at the same time.  I'm still, two weeks out, perfectly content with how things have turned out. 

We may have an interview next week regarding a young man we expressed interest in adopting.  We're going to go to the interview and see how things go.  We're still not 100% sure where we want to go from here.

I submitted a resume for a case management position at a local youth academy.  I wonder if I'll get a call.  I should.  I have tons of experience.  It's not that I WANT to go back to work but I need to go back: 1) to make sure I can afford the student loan payments when they come due; 2) to see if I can work or if I need to look into SSDI and 3) to get a part of myself back.  To feel as if I have some importance. 

Friday I'll be going to Charleston with my husband and extended family to prepare for the funeral of my mother's best friend.  This woman was much like a second mother to me. She knew me from the day I was born.  I can't imagine how difficult this will be on my mom and Sharon's family.  It wasn't unexpected.  She died from cancer.  Cancer sucks. But even though her final days lasted two weeks and we just kept waiting to get the word she died, it doesn't make it any easier to accept.  Life just isn't fair sometimes.  I take faith in Sharon knew the Lord as her Savior and expressed to her family she saw Jesus with her.  Waiting on her.  Praise God for his faithfulness.

I hope everyone has a wonderful turkey day.  My sleepy meds are kicking in.  Night.

A Week and A Few Days Out

and we're still feeling at peace with our decision to stop fostering, at least for the foreseeable future.  We are really enjoying being a couple again.  The longer we go without children the more we seem to close the door on being parents.

There's a part of me that says, "if we just try boys ages 7-10 maybe things could/would be different."  But right now I'd have to talk my husband into trying again.  He's pretty much relieved to have our freedom back.   And of course less responsibility is awesome.

There's also my health to consider.  I just had my chemo infusion today which means I saw my doctor.  I don't know if I mentioned this in previous posts, but I had been having some severe pain/swelling/redness/warmth in my right elbow.  Found out it wasn't an infected joint (Praise Jesus!) and it wasn't gout (woot woot!) but rather I've begun to develop Rheumatoid nodules.  The chemo is supposed to be preventing them.  The doctor said there's chance it may be absorbed into my body; however, everything I've read from Dr. Google says otherwise.  I think my doc was trying to give me a positive spin.  My worry: other than looking like a freak-a-zoid with outwardly deformed joints?  The fact these nodules will show up in my lungs.

This past weekend we went down to my brother/sister-in-law/niece's house to celebrate my SIL's bday. My niece continues to blow my mind and melt my heart. I wish I could spend more time with her.

Wow. Left this post as a draft four days ago. Better post it huh?

Empty Nesters

Well, it's officially been two days since we rejoined the ranks of childless married couples.  I'm going to be very honest with you, it feels amazing.  And this isn't something I feel alone, my husband is also enjoying our new found freedom.

If you were to ask my husband (and I have often since Monday at 10am) if he thinks he'd like to try fostering again, he will tell you no.  I still have a lingering pull to have the family I wanted.  Well, let me rephrase that: I still have a lingering pull to have children; however, what I came to realize about myself is that I have the family that I do want, at least for right now and maybe forever: I have my husband, our dog, cats, and my parents, and my brother and his beautiful wife, and my adorable niece, and my dear friends who are very much my family.  I'm enjoying my life right now.

What happened you ask?  Well it was a mix of things.  Here in another year I'll be finished with grad school and I will be a Masters level therapist and as much as I love counseling people, I learned I don't enjoy doing it 24/7.  I learned that while I was able to be successful working with foster children in the capacity of a social worker, I had no idea how much, how hard, it would be to do that work 24/7.  The fights, the fears, the anger, the resentment (both on the part of the kids and my own resentment of the work/loss of freedom), and the liability.

We were hit right out of the gate with teenagers.  Teenage girls.  I never wanted girls but was so happy to get the referrals that I jumped at them.  If, and that's a capital I-F, we ever accept another referral it will not be for girls and the ages will go down to between 7-10 when the children will be a little more flexible with discipline and hormones aren't raging.

I also realize I may never get to the point where I want to accept another referral.  Ever.  And I have to tell you, I'm okay with that.  I always had a "the grass is greener on the other side" approach to life and I have found that yes, the grass may be greener but it's because the other side has more fertilizer (read: shit) and needs cut more often than then the less green grass I was running from.

Yes, my husband and I were good parents.  Some of our friends and family said we were great parents though I don't think it's wise to get carried away.  I learned I don't have a very mothering maternal side.  Especially when I had to deal with a sick child.  If I'm being honest, I was more disgusted with having to take care of sick children.  Not because I didn't like them but as a chemotherapy patient I have to worry about everything, the smallest of colds can get away from me and cause me to end up in the hospital.  I found myself so much more afraid of getting sick then I was focused on getting them well. 

I don't miss the fighting.  I don't miss being screamed at.  I don't miss being lied about, to, and on.  I don't miss being cursed at.  I don't miss wondering if tonight is going to be the night she runs again.  I don't miss worrying about running into biological parents/siblings.  I don't miss not feeling comfortable in my own house.  I don't miss locking up all my medications.  I don't miss trying to find a sitter when I needed a break and how limited my sitter options were because of the rules of state.  I don't miss a social worker who was a complete and total waste of salary for the agency. I don't miss mood swings. I don't miss the looks from the public whenever one of the girls would sass-mouth me in public. I don't miss the feelings of depression I was having.  I don't miss my own anger and frustrations with "why isn't this working?"  I don't miss parenting.

I miss giggles from happy days.  I miss feeling like I was helping someone have a better life.  I miss feeling like maybe, just maybe, someone might call me mom.  But I also miss having extra money to spend on my niece.  I miss being able to visit my parents, especially when my brother and his family come in, and stay as long as I want without having to entertain someone. 

I look at my husband and I see that as long as I have him to lean on and love and his support and love I have more than enough.  I have two parents who are healthy, a brother and sister who gave me a niece who brings such joy to my life, a warm home and friends who would walk through fire to support me (and trust me in the last four months they have).  I have salvation from a mighty and loving God.  I may not have 100% of my health, but in just the two days I've had without the stress of parenting my health has greatly improved.  Depression, anger, frustration, and desperation are powerful forces that are so negative and destructive on every facet of life.

So, after four months of fostering and four weeks of going back and forth as to whether or not this was for us, we have found maybe not.  We haven't 100% closed the door on trying again (unless they choose not to work with us again because I pretty much demanded the child be moved within three days and I got pretty nasty at the end).  But right now, we are okay.  We are happy.  We aren't even considering revisiting the notion of continuing to foster or letting our license expire until after the first of the year.

The Way We Were

I have reached a point of no return and I seriously mean it this time.  Our time as foster parents will come to a close within the next three to four days, at the most. 

I have held on and held on because I have felt a tremendous amount of guilt.  Guilt that if it didn't work with us the child would be placed in a residential facility.  I don't wish that on anyone.  That's why I have continued to bang my head against the wall with little to no change all the while longing for my life pre-foster parent life.

I miss my old life.  I know this is a common thing that many parents go through and I never wanted to look at foster parenting as an easy way out; however, I had a realization as I was getting cursed out for the millionth time that I do have an easy way out.  Although it's not that easy. 

If I had my way I would pack her up while she's at school tomorrow and tell the foster care agency to pick her up from school and be done with this whole fiasco.  We're giving them until Monday at the latest.  And this time my husband is 100% on board.  Before he didn't want to give up the dream.  I long since abandoned the dream. 

I don't know what I expected.  I know what I hoped would happen and we all know that hasn't happened not a single time.  Do I chuck this up as a personal failure?  No.  I don't.  I gave 200% of myself for this.  What happened is we have a child who doesn't want help.  She doesn't appear to want a family, love, affection, or any kind of stability.

I'm a counselor.  I know all the pyschobabble and mumbo jumbo. I know she's probably never experienced real love and doesn't know how to accept it and how it scares her, blah blah blah.  There's only so much of that I can allow to explain the complete and utter abusive behavior we've experienced.  Today was the tipping point.  We had already made the decision to dissolve the family prior to the tonight's outburst.  But tonight's outburst sealed the deal.  I no longer feel a connection.  There's no relationship there anymore.

I feel so bad for being so blunt. But honestly that's where I'm at.  I don't want to do this anymore.  I no longer feel the pull to be a mother.  I realize that I enjoyed my life 200% better and I was unable to see it because I was so focused on what I didn't have than on what I really had.

So, this is the last weekend we will have a child in the home and I cannot tell you how wonderful that feels.  Maybe we'll go back and foster again, but honestly, I don't see that happening.  I praise those of you who can foster, but it isn't right for everyone and it most certainly, at least the two children we've had, isn't right for us.