Let me show you the way to Sante Fe:
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Do You Know the Way to Santa Fe?
Well, as many growing families do, we looked around our car and realized, "up to three teens (ages 8-18) and midsize sedan is not going to cut it." So, we traded in my husband's smaller sedan for a new car for me and the kids.
Let me show you the way to Sante Fe:
I haven't named her yet. But there she is, Miss Santa Fe 2012!
Let me show you the way to Sante Fe:
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Feelings
I'm going to try to put into words the emotions stirring in my head, my heart, and my soul. I wonder just how transparent I should be here at the risk of people thinking I'm a loon, but I'm going to be as open as I wanna be.
Tonight our social worker completed the safety check and praised our bedrooms for the kids. He joked what happens if we get a Pitt fan and I said, "I'll bend and buy Marshall stuff but I refuse to get Pitt stuff in my house unless it's Steelers."
Right before he left he said he full expects to have us licensed by early next week and we may have kids as early as the middle of next week. Once he left and my husband left to go grab us dinner I broke down and sobbed. Not a sad sob, though there were sad elements to it.
We've been on a journey to having children since the day we were married six years ago. I've suffered grueling medical treatments (drugs/injections/hormones/surgeries/vaginal ultrasounds/painful "female tests"), emotional roller coasters included to but not limited to: whether or not I'd ovulated, am I pregnant, to the "oh shit now what" I uttered when I found out I was pregnant. Then came the "why don't I feel pregnant" worries but then I heard the whomp whomp whomp of a heartbeat that stole my breath followed a couple weeks by (November 30, 2007 a day I'll never forget), "there's no heartbeat." No more whomp whomp whomp just quiet sobs that grew into guttural sobs that poured from the hollow core of my being. Two weeks later the sobs came again as I labored the remains of our child. If I live to be 200, I'll never forget the pain: the physical pain, the emotional pain, the psychological pain, the sheer trauma of it. Followed by horrendous periods and just being too tired to continue which led me to have surgery forever ending our chances for biological children.
Next my brother and sister-in-law were blessed with a healthy wonderful and perfect pregnancy and in the beginning the anger that arose in my soul surprised me. It wasn't an emotion I could control. It wasn't an emotion I knew I would have. I suspected some depression but not what I felt. I was so angry that I couldn't be honest to God happy until one day when I finally decided to go back to church. My husband was not yet convinced he wanted to go to church so I went alone. That day the sermon was about how unless you give up that which has caused you pain you won't welcome the joys the Lord has for you. You can't be filled with wholeness and happiness if you're holding onto brokenness and pain.
I went to the front of the church that day and I gave it all away. As I stood there surrounded by strangers and a good friend, I sobbed it ALL out. I prayed with everything I had that God would deliver me from these feelings of anger, resentment and replace them with a happiness, a love, and joy that the situation warranted. Feeling and emotions I WANTED to have. I surrendered all the pain of my infertility and loss. I gave it all up. I wish I could say the relief was instant,it wasn't but it was better. Each day it got better. Easier.
Amelia has been here 15 months now and she's every bit as amazing as I knew she would be. I can't wait to meet her siblings one day. But the desire to be a mom was still so big in my heart. It was something that I ran from, though. You see between my loss and Amelia's birth I was diagnosed with some pretty serious healthy concerns most importantly and challenging: Rheumatoid Arthritis. By the time I was diagnosed and until I was able to find the right treatment protocol I was losing everything (but weight). I was losing my ability to shop, walk, travel, open jars, stand longer than two minutes, walk more than fifty feet without leaning on something/stopping. You name it I met it along the road of RA. I still find limits to what I'm able to do and ways to get around it. I'll have it forever and I'll need to make adjustments for it.
This past Christmas I started a new, stronger, more intense treatment that has given me back more and more of my life, my mobility. This past Christmas our family traditions changed and as we sat in our lonely living room on Christmas Eve I looked at my husband and I said, "Next year, we will have a family." I had been saying "next year" for a long time. I have talked about adoption/when we adopt/etc. forever to the point when I didn't even believe it would happen. But once we made the decision it was made. We turned a process that takes anywhere from four-six months into a two month project. By the time we reach the three month anniversary of starting the process we'll have children in this home. We may have children by next weekend.
My journey is no different than other women who have experienced infertility. My family is growing in the same way many millions of families grow for whatever reason. The important thing in this is OUR FAMILY IS GROWING.
There are still unknowns: will we be blessed with the chance to adopt R (our primary reason for starting this process) or will we foster children who go home only to have new fosters who become little T's? Will the sibling group of three we expressed interest in tonight be our children? I don't know. Jeff doesnt' know. Our SW doesn't know. The State of WV doesn't know. But God does.
Tonight my soul has been humbled. Humbled back to that 2010 summer morning in a small church when I released ALL of it. Gave it ALL to God. I made Christ the commander of my life, my situation, my family. I no longer relied on what I wanted or what I could do to make it happen. I didn't know as everything that has happened the past two years was being used to show me to trust more, believe more, and rely more.
No matter how much I yelled at Him. Cussed Him. Tried to show HIM who was boss HE never gave up on his plan for me, for my husband, for our lives. Yes, it's been hard and we still have some fighting to do but I have a secret weapon in this battle. Every morning I'm going to get up and put on the armor of God and every battle I face I will surrender to Him and trust He will give me the words/strength/knowledge/peace to know HE is in control. Things may not go the way I have them dreamed up in my head. My family may not look the way I picture it. But it will look exactly as it has been ordained to look like. And on that I can rely.
I'm so thankful that I believed in myself enough to look past the worries of others. I'm so thankful that God waited until it was in HIS time that he brought us to this point. So many worries eliminated. He made a way physically with a new medication for my RA. He made a way through a difficult financial situation allowing me to stay home. He made a way to show me that while I would love to hold an infant and raise that child from beginning to end, that's not His plan for me. He gave me a man with a heart for those who hurt. He blessed me with a man who doesn't care where our children come from, what color they are, just as long as we have them is all he cares about.
So many pieces have had to fall together in order for us to get here. I'm still scared. I'm still anxious. But I more than enough. J is more than enough. We with HIM are more than enough.
I'm humbled. Completely and utterly humbled.
Tonight our social worker completed the safety check and praised our bedrooms for the kids. He joked what happens if we get a Pitt fan and I said, "I'll bend and buy Marshall stuff but I refuse to get Pitt stuff in my house unless it's Steelers."
Right before he left he said he full expects to have us licensed by early next week and we may have kids as early as the middle of next week. Once he left and my husband left to go grab us dinner I broke down and sobbed. Not a sad sob, though there were sad elements to it.
We've been on a journey to having children since the day we were married six years ago. I've suffered grueling medical treatments (drugs/injections/hormones/surgeries/vaginal ultrasounds/painful "female tests"), emotional roller coasters included to but not limited to: whether or not I'd ovulated, am I pregnant, to the "oh shit now what" I uttered when I found out I was pregnant. Then came the "why don't I feel pregnant" worries but then I heard the whomp whomp whomp of a heartbeat that stole my breath followed a couple weeks by (November 30, 2007 a day I'll never forget), "there's no heartbeat." No more whomp whomp whomp just quiet sobs that grew into guttural sobs that poured from the hollow core of my being. Two weeks later the sobs came again as I labored the remains of our child. If I live to be 200, I'll never forget the pain: the physical pain, the emotional pain, the psychological pain, the sheer trauma of it. Followed by horrendous periods and just being too tired to continue which led me to have surgery forever ending our chances for biological children.
Next my brother and sister-in-law were blessed with a healthy wonderful and perfect pregnancy and in the beginning the anger that arose in my soul surprised me. It wasn't an emotion I could control. It wasn't an emotion I knew I would have. I suspected some depression but not what I felt. I was so angry that I couldn't be honest to God happy until one day when I finally decided to go back to church. My husband was not yet convinced he wanted to go to church so I went alone. That day the sermon was about how unless you give up that which has caused you pain you won't welcome the joys the Lord has for you. You can't be filled with wholeness and happiness if you're holding onto brokenness and pain.
I went to the front of the church that day and I gave it all away. As I stood there surrounded by strangers and a good friend, I sobbed it ALL out. I prayed with everything I had that God would deliver me from these feelings of anger, resentment and replace them with a happiness, a love, and joy that the situation warranted. Feeling and emotions I WANTED to have. I surrendered all the pain of my infertility and loss. I gave it all up. I wish I could say the relief was instant,it wasn't but it was better. Each day it got better. Easier.
Amelia has been here 15 months now and she's every bit as amazing as I knew she would be. I can't wait to meet her siblings one day. But the desire to be a mom was still so big in my heart. It was something that I ran from, though. You see between my loss and Amelia's birth I was diagnosed with some pretty serious healthy concerns most importantly and challenging: Rheumatoid Arthritis. By the time I was diagnosed and until I was able to find the right treatment protocol I was losing everything (but weight). I was losing my ability to shop, walk, travel, open jars, stand longer than two minutes, walk more than fifty feet without leaning on something/stopping. You name it I met it along the road of RA. I still find limits to what I'm able to do and ways to get around it. I'll have it forever and I'll need to make adjustments for it.
This past Christmas I started a new, stronger, more intense treatment that has given me back more and more of my life, my mobility. This past Christmas our family traditions changed and as we sat in our lonely living room on Christmas Eve I looked at my husband and I said, "Next year, we will have a family." I had been saying "next year" for a long time. I have talked about adoption/when we adopt/etc. forever to the point when I didn't even believe it would happen. But once we made the decision it was made. We turned a process that takes anywhere from four-six months into a two month project. By the time we reach the three month anniversary of starting the process we'll have children in this home. We may have children by next weekend.
My journey is no different than other women who have experienced infertility. My family is growing in the same way many millions of families grow for whatever reason. The important thing in this is OUR FAMILY IS GROWING.
There are still unknowns: will we be blessed with the chance to adopt R (our primary reason for starting this process) or will we foster children who go home only to have new fosters who become little T's? Will the sibling group of three we expressed interest in tonight be our children? I don't know. Jeff doesnt' know. Our SW doesn't know. The State of WV doesn't know. But God does.
Tonight my soul has been humbled. Humbled back to that 2010 summer morning in a small church when I released ALL of it. Gave it ALL to God. I made Christ the commander of my life, my situation, my family. I no longer relied on what I wanted or what I could do to make it happen. I didn't know as everything that has happened the past two years was being used to show me to trust more, believe more, and rely more.
No matter how much I yelled at Him. Cussed Him. Tried to show HIM who was boss HE never gave up on his plan for me, for my husband, for our lives. Yes, it's been hard and we still have some fighting to do but I have a secret weapon in this battle. Every morning I'm going to get up and put on the armor of God and every battle I face I will surrender to Him and trust He will give me the words/strength/knowledge/peace to know HE is in control. Things may not go the way I have them dreamed up in my head. My family may not look the way I picture it. But it will look exactly as it has been ordained to look like. And on that I can rely.
I'm so thankful that I believed in myself enough to look past the worries of others. I'm so thankful that God waited until it was in HIS time that he brought us to this point. So many worries eliminated. He made a way physically with a new medication for my RA. He made a way through a difficult financial situation allowing me to stay home. He made a way to show me that while I would love to hold an infant and raise that child from beginning to end, that's not His plan for me. He gave me a man with a heart for those who hurt. He blessed me with a man who doesn't care where our children come from, what color they are, just as long as we have them is all he cares about.
So many pieces have had to fall together in order for us to get here. I'm still scared. I'm still anxious. But I more than enough. J is more than enough. We with HIM are more than enough.
I'm humbled. Completely and utterly humbled.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Finally...
The last kid room has been set up.
We still need to move out a desk (room is too small), paint and replace the trim from when we laid the floors, hang curtains, and clean out the closets that have held our junk since we bought this house is 2007. We set up all three rooms the same (except for the fact one room is a single room). I have tons of stuff for a girl's room (quilt, pillows, side table, wall hangings, other accessories, etc) and I'm going to put it in a Rubbermaid tub if/until we get a girl. The sock monkey on this bed is small compared to the ones in the other room so I need to try to find a bigger one so all three kids, provided we get three kids, will have the same. I want to be fair. The trick will be finding another one.
Our home is ready for safety inspection but it's a complete and utter clutter nightmare. In the middle of putting these rooms together we're purging for a yard sale the weekend after next. So everything we've put together for the yard sale is sitting in bins in what used to be my dining room but is now a gaming room. I hate the clutter but I guess right now it's a necessary evil.
Good thing our SW doesn't care about clutter.
We also got two of these:
We're getting there...slowly but surely. And maybe since I finally got a nebulizer and will have open airways (thanks allergy induced asthma) we'll get even more accomplished this weekend and the house will be spotless/clutterless/ready for kids.
I'll take you on a home tour here in a couple of days so you can see everything we've done!!
Monday, April 23, 2012
Nesting
I've been in quite the predicament: I've got that "nesting" feeling going on but I've also been pretty sick and unable to do everything I want to do.
Today I finally went to the doctor and it wasn't as bad as I had feared. Since I'm on various types of chemotherapy medications, any infection/illness can be very dangerous. I have been coughing and using my albuterol inhaler WAY more than I should so I was afraid it was bronchitis again (or worse) and after spending my seventh straight night coughing all.night.long, I decided it was time to see a doctor.
Thankfully, the coughing/chest congestion is from "acute exacerbation of asthma" associated with allergies and not bronchitis or worse. I do; however, have a sinus infection and received a breathing treatment and Augmentin. Since I haven't been moving air, I've not been able to get a lot done because I've been getting so winded/tired easily. I explained this to the doctor and she gave me a script for a nebulizer for days when my allergies/asthma are really bad so I can keep the air moving. This is such a blessing since I'm going to be a mama and won't have much time to be winded!! Plus once I get the air moving I can start exercising again.
My husband has taken some time off work and has been helping me. Today we got one bedroom completely done: beds situated, closet cleaned out, chest of drawers put together, etc.
Chest of drawers for each kid. I ordered them from Walmart for $97 a piece. I couldn't put a whole lot of money into them since we paid so much for the beds and I was worried they would be "cheap" and well look like they cost $97 but I have been surprised. They are good quality and look like they will hold up nicely!
Bunk beds!!! As you can tell we hope that our sons are as big Mountaineer fans as we are!! Of course if the kids don't like the bedding we'll let them pick out new!
This is our youngest cat, Farty. Yes, her name is Farty. Actually it's Fart Tart but we call her Farty. She's thanking me for her new bed!! hahahahaha
Hanging new curtain rods!
Today I finally went to the doctor and it wasn't as bad as I had feared. Since I'm on various types of chemotherapy medications, any infection/illness can be very dangerous. I have been coughing and using my albuterol inhaler WAY more than I should so I was afraid it was bronchitis again (or worse) and after spending my seventh straight night coughing all.night.long, I decided it was time to see a doctor.
Thankfully, the coughing/chest congestion is from "acute exacerbation of asthma" associated with allergies and not bronchitis or worse. I do; however, have a sinus infection and received a breathing treatment and Augmentin. Since I haven't been moving air, I've not been able to get a lot done because I've been getting so winded/tired easily. I explained this to the doctor and she gave me a script for a nebulizer for days when my allergies/asthma are really bad so I can keep the air moving. This is such a blessing since I'm going to be a mama and won't have much time to be winded!! Plus once I get the air moving I can start exercising again.
My husband has taken some time off work and has been helping me. Today we got one bedroom completely done: beds situated, closet cleaned out, chest of drawers put together, etc.
The only thing left I have to do in there is have Jeff connect the computer, purchase a computer chair, and set up the computer that limits where they can go online and tracks where they've been. Having an expert IT guy as a husband comes in handy sometimes!!!
Tomorrow I'll work on the other bedroom. It will have the same set up as far as comforter but it will be for a single child. The room is much smaller and while it would fit a bunk bed, I just don't think it's big enough for two people and I don't think we can handle four children. Three is pushing it!!
At this point I think we've decided we prefer sons. One of the things our SW told us is that given our age group if we have girls to limit if not eliminate any time that Jeff is alone with the girl (s) until the family unit is comfortable with each other as a means of protection. Often times when you're raising foster children to adopt when you try to institute strict rules the children don't like the first thing they do is make accusations: they hit us, they don't feed us, they won't let us call our mom, etc. The last thing we need is for a girl to say Jeff did something her. And even though our SW knows it wouldn't be true, he said the easiest way to defend against the allegations is to simply say, "when did it happen?" and since there wouldn't be any alone time between the two then there's no question.
We may change our minds but right now I really think I'd rather stick with sons.
Well, I feel like this post is all over the place. Thanks for reading and check back tomorrow for more updates!!
Well, I feel like this post is all over the place. Thanks for reading and check back tomorrow for more updates!!
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Happy Belated Anniversary
It's been crazy busy around our home the past few days. I have a post about the three foster children we baby sat for a foster family who didn't have a sitter and needed to have a free weekend for personal reasons. That's a long post I don't have time to write yet (I'll do it tomorrow, I promise!)
This post is FAR more important and way late. Thursday, April 19, 2012 was our 6 year wedding anniversary. I'm going to include some of my favorite pictures
This was my favorite picture!
The wedding cake I designed (that's the same topper Carmen Electra used when she married some rocker dude)
Our rings:
Me:
Our flowers:
It's been 6 whole years and it feels like yesterday. The time between our first date and our wedding days 40 days! NO lie! We were crazy but it's worked.
I have more to add but right now I'm kinda sleepy. Be back tomorrow!!!
This post is FAR more important and way late. Thursday, April 19, 2012 was our 6 year wedding anniversary. I'm going to include some of my favorite pictures
This was my favorite picture!
The wedding cake I designed (that's the same topper Carmen Electra used when she married some rocker dude)
Our rings:
Me:
Our flowers:
It's been 6 whole years and it feels like yesterday. The time between our first date and our wedding days 40 days! NO lie! We were crazy but it's worked.
I have more to add but right now I'm kinda sleepy. Be back tomorrow!!!
Monday, April 16, 2012
Our First Taste of Parenting
This past weekend was a busy one here in Mountaineer Nation. We were asked by our agency to babysit three children on Saturday 8-5 and Sunday 8-12. Their ages: 5, 3, and 1. {Insert instant panic from moi.} I love kids about 8-9 years of age and up. Any children younger than that, well, we don't mesh well is probably the best way to put it. Some kids I just can't stand. It's not a pretty sentence to read or type but it's a truthful statement.
I've only changed 2 diapers in my life. I don't ever have any desire to change another one so I started to freak out about that. The one year old has pretty significant handicaps. I don't want to divulge any of their private information (who knows who reads this) so I won't say what but it was enough to make me call my bestest friend in the whole wide world and ask her to please help me this weekend. The older kids are at the age when kids grate on my nerves the worst. I don't know how to entertain children that age. They scare me.
Jeff and I have known we are best suited for parenting tweens and teens. I know they come with their own attitudes and challenges but I'm better able to handle those then two kids fighting over the same play dough. FYI: play dough is the BEST product on the planet. I never knew how long kids would play (read: be quiet and require no major redirection) with play dough. We only had minor sharing issues and repeated requests to "please don't feed the dog play dough" and "yes I know made a pizza but it's not safe for the doggie."
My husband had them outside running around throwing footballs. In fact they kept calling Jeff "daddy" and I could see on his face that while he was not comfortable around their ages, he was IN LOVE with being called Daddy.
At one point we had six adults to three children. I felt like a total failure. I just didn't know what to do. It didn't start off right. The foster parents "moved in" with a pack and play, toys that made ungodly noises/songs/sounds, cartoons were on the TV and while the children ran into the house and immediately began running up the steps and the foster mom went directly to my kitchen (she' never been here before and I'd never met her before) and started putting stuff in my fridge that I almost said, "EVERYBODY OUT!" I immediately wanted to sit down in a quiet room, put my fingers in my ears and cry.
My fridge needs cleaned out. I don't know what all was in it but I know it's had a pizza box and some left over containers and a bunch of stuff I need to throw away but haven't had time to do it so the thought this woman took over my house really pissed me off. Who does that????
I feel like my friends did way more with the kids than I did. I feel like I sucked as a parent. I couldn't wait for the days to be over to have my house back. I'm not saying I've decided not to parent. We very much want to be parents but just not this age. We have seen how much our home will change (t.v. can't have news on all the time, the kids get fed before you eat, etc) and it's weird yet good at the same time.
I'm tired today. Let's not forget to mention that both days the kids were here were the worst days of my allergies. On Saturday my right eye had been swollen shut until noon and I needed to take copious amounts of benedryl to just breathe.
Lola was a tremendous help. She loved having kids to play with but she's old and got tired and was soon OVER the entire thing:
Today I'm cleaning the Master bedroom. I've folded so much laundry!! I still need to finish dusting, change the sheets, and vacuum up all the pet hair on the floor. Every room in my house needs attention so I'm taking each room one day at a time. I'll be back later with before/after pictures!!!
I've only changed 2 diapers in my life. I don't ever have any desire to change another one so I started to freak out about that. The one year old has pretty significant handicaps. I don't want to divulge any of their private information (who knows who reads this) so I won't say what but it was enough to make me call my bestest friend in the whole wide world and ask her to please help me this weekend. The older kids are at the age when kids grate on my nerves the worst. I don't know how to entertain children that age. They scare me.
Jeff and I have known we are best suited for parenting tweens and teens. I know they come with their own attitudes and challenges but I'm better able to handle those then two kids fighting over the same play dough. FYI: play dough is the BEST product on the planet. I never knew how long kids would play (read: be quiet and require no major redirection) with play dough. We only had minor sharing issues and repeated requests to "please don't feed the dog play dough" and "yes I know made a pizza but it's not safe for the doggie."
My husband had them outside running around throwing footballs. In fact they kept calling Jeff "daddy" and I could see on his face that while he was not comfortable around their ages, he was IN LOVE with being called Daddy.
At one point we had six adults to three children. I felt like a total failure. I just didn't know what to do. It didn't start off right. The foster parents "moved in" with a pack and play, toys that made ungodly noises/songs/sounds, cartoons were on the TV and while the children ran into the house and immediately began running up the steps and the foster mom went directly to my kitchen (she' never been here before and I'd never met her before) and started putting stuff in my fridge that I almost said, "EVERYBODY OUT!" I immediately wanted to sit down in a quiet room, put my fingers in my ears and cry.
My fridge needs cleaned out. I don't know what all was in it but I know it's had a pizza box and some left over containers and a bunch of stuff I need to throw away but haven't had time to do it so the thought this woman took over my house really pissed me off. Who does that????
I feel like my friends did way more with the kids than I did. I feel like I sucked as a parent. I couldn't wait for the days to be over to have my house back. I'm not saying I've decided not to parent. We very much want to be parents but just not this age. We have seen how much our home will change (t.v. can't have news on all the time, the kids get fed before you eat, etc) and it's weird yet good at the same time.
I'm tired today. Let's not forget to mention that both days the kids were here were the worst days of my allergies. On Saturday my right eye had been swollen shut until noon and I needed to take copious amounts of benedryl to just breathe.
Lola was a tremendous help. She loved having kids to play with but she's old and got tired and was soon OVER the entire thing:
Today I'm cleaning the Master bedroom. I've folded so much laundry!! I still need to finish dusting, change the sheets, and vacuum up all the pet hair on the floor. Every room in my house needs attention so I'm taking each room one day at a time. I'll be back later with before/after pictures!!!
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Photo Post
I don't really have much to say so I'll just overload you with photos (taken from my iphone so they won't be the best quality photos)
That is Farty our "baby" as in the youngest of the feline-kind that resides here. Her name was originally Ellie Mae but she was a little "fart" and so we took to calling her "Fart Tart" or "Farty" and now she won't answer to anything but Farty. It's funny to take her to the vet and have them come out and call for "Farty!"
That's my biggest baby and the Love of My Life: Lola. She's 9. She's half chow and Rottie and the the best dog I've ever known. She goes next week to get her teeth cleaned and they will be doing blood work and that makes me nervous. I don't want them to find anything wrong with her. My biggest dread in life is when I don't have her anymore. Oh...I simply can't think about it.
This is my pretty boy Marvin (with Punky in the top picture). The bottom picture he "killed" a fierce texting glove! Good boy, Marvin. My brave boy!! :)
This is Yetta Oliva. She was wanting to lay on mama's lap while I read today and decided she wasn't happy I wasn't paying attention to her. I love her to pieces. Even if she is currently trying to eat the cord to my headphones. LOL
Thanks to my kick ass father, we laid laminate on our steps. The top picture is before and the bottom is after, of course. They look amazing. I'm so glad to have that project done! It looks so much better in my house!!!
This is my pretty boy Marvin (with Punky in the top picture). The bottom picture he "killed" a fierce texting glove! Good boy, Marvin. My brave boy!! :)
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Last Class
Sorry I haven't been around Blogger in awhile. I've had a lot going on and opted to take a little hiatus from blogging.
It's been a busy week and it's only Tuesday.
Sunday J and I went to church and had a wonderful day. Worship was amazing and the children's program was adorable. I can't wait to watch my children next year. By Sunday afternoon I began losing my voice until I was completely voiceless from Sunday night through late last night. Weird. I didn't feel bad just lost my voice. I guess my husband prayed for and received an Easter Miracle!!
Yesterday was my last Monday on the job. I didn't have a voice and I had to whisper all day. I also found it was "abuse the case worker because she's going to be gone" day. I have been getting more and more of my boss' work on my desk over the course of the past couple of weeks but yesterday was when I reached my limit. I think the Lord took my voice so I wouldn't say what I was really thinking. I didn't realize until a week ago that all the stuff she'd been putting off on me to do was what she was supposed to be doing. Another employee said, "why don't you let her do her job?" So yesterday, when I was running around like mad and she talked on her cell phone, texted, and shopped on eBay all morning, I was pretty hot. She kept saying, 'before you leave me forever, I need you to........" So, I got it all done yesterday, took my personal things with me and left my key in an envelope in my desk drawer. I wasn't sure when I left yesterday if I was going back or not and around 7:30 this morning I emailed her that I would not be back and how I left upset and frustrated (didn't elaborate) and that I had made the decision to be finished. She texted me and said, "damn, I didn't know you were so unhappy here." Which isn't the truth. I wasn't always unhappy. She became unhappy with her job and instead of doing it anyway, she started giving it to me. She was using me, and after she found out I was leaving it got worse and honestly, I'm all for quitting responsibly but I'm not for being abused.
I had big plans for the day of what rooms I was going to clean in the house and what all I was going to get done and I woke up with a mighty nasty migraine so I spent the day in a cool, dark room fighting it. It's finally gone!!!
Then this evening we had our last foster parenting class: crisis intervention. Now all we have left is to get our CPR/First Aid and our home safety inspection and we're ready for kids!!
We'll get a little bit of a "baptism by fire" this weekend. Another foster family has something scheduled this weekend that was scheduled way before they became licensed as foster parents and needed parents who can keep them for the entire day Saturday and morning Sunday. I didn't want to say yes. In fact, even though I finally said yes, I'm still not 100% happy about it. The ages: 1, 3, and 5. The minimum age we'll accept as foster parents? 8 (and that's pushing it!)
I know I'm not the best around kids between the ages of 2-6/7. I don't tend to have a lot of patience and if I'm being completely honest, I don't like little kids. Give me a teenager who can tell me to F off over a little kid throwing a temper tantrum. I much prefer a child I can reason with over one I have to accept will "grow out of it". I know. I sound like a horrible non-maternal person but it's who I am. My niece? She's 15 months and a piece of cake. She's the sweetest little thing who I've never ever seen melt down or throw a fit. I could spend all day with her and babies like her but she's extra special. Most babies are not like our Mils! I just haven't universally had success with young children. But I've called in reinforcements and I'm going to get some cheap toys (which I'll donate to the agency for the visitation room) and we'll get through it.
I'm not as nervous as I was before. I can't explain it but I'm not. I'm starting to define my discipline style and I'm starting to feel less pulled in many directions. I don't have the weight of a job hanging over my head so now I can focus on one thing: getting ready to be a parent. And I'm really liking that role!!
(I apologize if this has spelling and grammar errors. I'll catch them and correct them tomorrow. I'm tired and going to sleep!!)
It's been a busy week and it's only Tuesday.
Sunday J and I went to church and had a wonderful day. Worship was amazing and the children's program was adorable. I can't wait to watch my children next year. By Sunday afternoon I began losing my voice until I was completely voiceless from Sunday night through late last night. Weird. I didn't feel bad just lost my voice. I guess my husband prayed for and received an Easter Miracle!!
Yesterday was my last Monday on the job. I didn't have a voice and I had to whisper all day. I also found it was "abuse the case worker because she's going to be gone" day. I have been getting more and more of my boss' work on my desk over the course of the past couple of weeks but yesterday was when I reached my limit. I think the Lord took my voice so I wouldn't say what I was really thinking. I didn't realize until a week ago that all the stuff she'd been putting off on me to do was what she was supposed to be doing. Another employee said, "why don't you let her do her job?" So yesterday, when I was running around like mad and she talked on her cell phone, texted, and shopped on eBay all morning, I was pretty hot. She kept saying, 'before you leave me forever, I need you to........" So, I got it all done yesterday, took my personal things with me and left my key in an envelope in my desk drawer. I wasn't sure when I left yesterday if I was going back or not and around 7:30 this morning I emailed her that I would not be back and how I left upset and frustrated (didn't elaborate) and that I had made the decision to be finished. She texted me and said, "damn, I didn't know you were so unhappy here." Which isn't the truth. I wasn't always unhappy. She became unhappy with her job and instead of doing it anyway, she started giving it to me. She was using me, and after she found out I was leaving it got worse and honestly, I'm all for quitting responsibly but I'm not for being abused.
I had big plans for the day of what rooms I was going to clean in the house and what all I was going to get done and I woke up with a mighty nasty migraine so I spent the day in a cool, dark room fighting it. It's finally gone!!!
Then this evening we had our last foster parenting class: crisis intervention. Now all we have left is to get our CPR/First Aid and our home safety inspection and we're ready for kids!!
We'll get a little bit of a "baptism by fire" this weekend. Another foster family has something scheduled this weekend that was scheduled way before they became licensed as foster parents and needed parents who can keep them for the entire day Saturday and morning Sunday. I didn't want to say yes. In fact, even though I finally said yes, I'm still not 100% happy about it. The ages: 1, 3, and 5. The minimum age we'll accept as foster parents? 8 (and that's pushing it!)
I know I'm not the best around kids between the ages of 2-6/7. I don't tend to have a lot of patience and if I'm being completely honest, I don't like little kids. Give me a teenager who can tell me to F off over a little kid throwing a temper tantrum. I much prefer a child I can reason with over one I have to accept will "grow out of it". I know. I sound like a horrible non-maternal person but it's who I am. My niece? She's 15 months and a piece of cake. She's the sweetest little thing who I've never ever seen melt down or throw a fit. I could spend all day with her and babies like her but she's extra special. Most babies are not like our Mils! I just haven't universally had success with young children. But I've called in reinforcements and I'm going to get some cheap toys (which I'll donate to the agency for the visitation room) and we'll get through it.
I'm not as nervous as I was before. I can't explain it but I'm not. I'm starting to define my discipline style and I'm starting to feel less pulled in many directions. I don't have the weight of a job hanging over my head so now I can focus on one thing: getting ready to be a parent. And I'm really liking that role!!
(I apologize if this has spelling and grammar errors. I'll catch them and correct them tomorrow. I'm tired and going to sleep!!)
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Trust Me...
Initially we started this process to adopt R, a 13 year old boy born on Christmas Day looking for a forever family. Then our feelings morphed into foster parenting while still planning to adopt R. The night of our very first meeting with our social worker we went to the state's adoption web page and expressed interest in adopting R. It's been almost two months and we hadn't heard anything at all. So last week I asked our SW, "does that mean we weren't chosen?" So he got the name of the woman I had emailed about R and was able to track down R's worker and yesterday my phone rang. We only have a very limited amount of information but we're not out of it yet but we're not in it yet either. There is a family in the northern panhandle of the state who has also expressed interest in R. R's social worker asked for our home study which won't be finished until the very end of this month. I don't know if that will affect our chances or not. I don't know if we're out of it or not. I don't know if I should let go of my dream or not. We will be getting R's social summary. That's when we'll learn about his situation and circumstances.
I keep thinking that since he's from here locally, why if when given the choice to stay in this area or relocate two hours away, would he choose the other family? Given his age, R will have a choice. I so badly want to yell into the universe, "We have a room we've decorated and put together with YOU in mind. Please choose us!"
The best we can do, the best anyone can do is pray that we become a family. This is where I need to grow in my prayer life. I still pray for the things that I WANT and not for God's Will. That's hard to do. My husband will be the first person to tell you that I don't submit to ANYONE. I don't like to take direction and I have issues with authority. :)
I feel entitled to R. Why? Especially given I know nothing about him but the beautiful mocha color of his face, his deep brown eyes, and his boyish charm? Because I am infertile. Because I suffered through fertility treatments yielding me baby weight and a heart broken into pieces via miscarriage. Because I can't lay down and make a baby like other women so I already decided that since I've already had to suffer so much I am entitled to whatever family I want. Pretty shitty of me isn't it?
At least that's how my silly mind rationalizes things. But in my heart I know that I have gotten this far by nothing else other than the grace of God. God has provided me with EVERYTHING, even the painful lessons that grew my heart, spirit, and soul in ways I never could have imagined. Why do I have so much trouble submitting to the Will of the God who has sustained me through the unimaginable?
I guess I never got that far in Sunday School since I am a Sunday School drop out. I know God is merciful and He alone will make my family what is in HIS plans. I have clung to Jeremiah 29:11 for the past six years: "I know the plans I have for you, declared the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to hurt you." It's the only verse I know by heart other than John 3:16. I know that the picture of my family in my head may not be the Will of God for my life.
I have to take a leap of faith in this whole endeavor. I have to trust in God. I have to trust in my husband. I have to trust in myself. I have to trust in my family. I have to trust in my social worker. I have to trust in the judicial system. It's a lot of trust and for someone who doesn't trust easily, I don't know if I have enough trust to go around.
As we get closer to the end of our training and closer to licensing I get more and more anxious. I'd be lying if I told you I wasn't scared but I'm not scared: I'm petrified. But I know I can do this. I just have to be flexible and not allow my heart to get fixated on a situation until it happens. Easier said then done. Easier said than done.
I keep thinking that since he's from here locally, why if when given the choice to stay in this area or relocate two hours away, would he choose the other family? Given his age, R will have a choice. I so badly want to yell into the universe, "We have a room we've decorated and put together with YOU in mind. Please choose us!"
The best we can do, the best anyone can do is pray that we become a family. This is where I need to grow in my prayer life. I still pray for the things that I WANT and not for God's Will. That's hard to do. My husband will be the first person to tell you that I don't submit to ANYONE. I don't like to take direction and I have issues with authority. :)
I feel entitled to R. Why? Especially given I know nothing about him but the beautiful mocha color of his face, his deep brown eyes, and his boyish charm? Because I am infertile. Because I suffered through fertility treatments yielding me baby weight and a heart broken into pieces via miscarriage. Because I can't lay down and make a baby like other women so I already decided that since I've already had to suffer so much I am entitled to whatever family I want. Pretty shitty of me isn't it?
At least that's how my silly mind rationalizes things. But in my heart I know that I have gotten this far by nothing else other than the grace of God. God has provided me with EVERYTHING, even the painful lessons that grew my heart, spirit, and soul in ways I never could have imagined. Why do I have so much trouble submitting to the Will of the God who has sustained me through the unimaginable?
I guess I never got that far in Sunday School since I am a Sunday School drop out. I know God is merciful and He alone will make my family what is in HIS plans. I have clung to Jeremiah 29:11 for the past six years: "I know the plans I have for you, declared the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to hurt you." It's the only verse I know by heart other than John 3:16. I know that the picture of my family in my head may not be the Will of God for my life.
I have to take a leap of faith in this whole endeavor. I have to trust in God. I have to trust in my husband. I have to trust in myself. I have to trust in my family. I have to trust in my social worker. I have to trust in the judicial system. It's a lot of trust and for someone who doesn't trust easily, I don't know if I have enough trust to go around.
As we get closer to the end of our training and closer to licensing I get more and more anxious. I'd be lying if I told you I wasn't scared but I'm not scared: I'm petrified. But I know I can do this. I just have to be flexible and not allow my heart to get fixated on a situation until it happens. Easier said then done. Easier said than done.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Schadenfreude
Have you ever heard of the Broadway play Avenue Q? It's hilarious. It's like Sesame Street for grown ups utilizing puppets and tackling such subjects as homosexuality, racism, how being a grown up sucks, etc. One of the songs is about Schadenfreude, the German word for happiness at the misfortune of others. I'll embed the youtube video of the song at the end of this post
You may be thinking, what in the world is this crazy woman talking about. As my husband and I were eating dinner tonight and I was casually checking the Twitter while watching some NBA game on the flat screen on the wall of the restaurant while also writing out my list of items that must be cleaned/completed/bought before the children come home and I realized something horrible: the very day I become a mom will be the happiest and most exciting and scary day of my life. I won't be a "mom" in the sense of a child looking to me as the greatest person alive kinda of way, at least not at first, but I will be a mom in my heart and I will be elated.
On the other hand, my elation will come from the complete and utter misfortune of the children in my home. They will have been removed from the only family they have ever known. They will be in a new place filled with strangers, a different house, a different street, a different school, with absolutely nothing familiar. How can I be excited and happy to welcome these children into my home while they are petrified and have suffered abuse and neglect in a way I'll never comprehend?
I started getting really upset thinking about will this foster-to-adopt journey ever bring me what I want: a family to call my own? Will I ever be called "mom" sincerely from a kid or two or even three? It's scary but it's also disheartening that my happiest and most exciting day will come from something horrible and scary for the children.
Please don't get me wrong. I'm not taking pleasure in their pain, but I am beginning to realize that I will have a mix of emotions that includes being so happy they are with me while also realizing that this, the greatest time in my life, comes courtesy of the worst time in theirs. Something to think about.
The video is not to make light of the situation but rather to lighten my mood. I won't be taking pleasure in the pain of these children but I will be so happy to have them here. And for that, I feel a little bit guilty.
You may be thinking, what in the world is this crazy woman talking about. As my husband and I were eating dinner tonight and I was casually checking the Twitter while watching some NBA game on the flat screen on the wall of the restaurant while also writing out my list of items that must be cleaned/completed/bought before the children come home and I realized something horrible: the very day I become a mom will be the happiest and most exciting and scary day of my life. I won't be a "mom" in the sense of a child looking to me as the greatest person alive kinda of way, at least not at first, but I will be a mom in my heart and I will be elated.
On the other hand, my elation will come from the complete and utter misfortune of the children in my home. They will have been removed from the only family they have ever known. They will be in a new place filled with strangers, a different house, a different street, a different school, with absolutely nothing familiar. How can I be excited and happy to welcome these children into my home while they are petrified and have suffered abuse and neglect in a way I'll never comprehend?
I started getting really upset thinking about will this foster-to-adopt journey ever bring me what I want: a family to call my own? Will I ever be called "mom" sincerely from a kid or two or even three? It's scary but it's also disheartening that my happiest and most exciting day will come from something horrible and scary for the children.
Please don't get me wrong. I'm not taking pleasure in their pain, but I am beginning to realize that I will have a mix of emotions that includes being so happy they are with me while also realizing that this, the greatest time in my life, comes courtesy of the worst time in theirs. Something to think about.
The video is not to make light of the situation but rather to lighten my mood. I won't be taking pleasure in the pain of these children but I will be so happy to have them here. And for that, I feel a little bit guilty.
9 Days and Counting
I have nine days of work left as we're off this Friday for Good Friday. We won't be licensed until the first of May at the earliest so why am I quitting so soon? Because I need to prepare myself.
I need to take some time and go through every.single.room in my house and rid it of the past, of junk, and make it feel homey and happy.
I need to take some time and get into a routine of getting up early, exercising, making breakfast, doing my daily cleaning chores, and getting in the habit of day-to-day operations of a home.
I need to refocus my thoughts and feelings. I need to get centered and develop a routine of daily meditation and Bible study.
I need to focus on myself, my husband, and our child/ren.
I don't even want to finish those 9 days. I hate two weeks' notices. You've already checked out, aren't invested, and still have to trudge through your day as if you care when everyone knows you don't. I'm also rather sick and tired of my boss leaving her work for me to do so she can spend the rest of these 9 days ebay shopping before she has to work again.
I'm thinking of making a private, invitation only blog (in addition to this one as this one will always be "open to the public") to give me a place where I can be more open and talk about more pressing issues.
Overslept for church today. In fact my allergies have been so bad today I've done a big ol lot of nothing.
Wow this blog has turned into a big ol boring something-or-other hasn't it. Perhaps I should come back when I have more uplifting things to say.
I need to take some time and go through every.single.room in my house and rid it of the past, of junk, and make it feel homey and happy.
I need to take some time and get into a routine of getting up early, exercising, making breakfast, doing my daily cleaning chores, and getting in the habit of day-to-day operations of a home.
I need to refocus my thoughts and feelings. I need to get centered and develop a routine of daily meditation and Bible study.
I need to focus on myself, my husband, and our child/ren.
I don't even want to finish those 9 days. I hate two weeks' notices. You've already checked out, aren't invested, and still have to trudge through your day as if you care when everyone knows you don't. I'm also rather sick and tired of my boss leaving her work for me to do so she can spend the rest of these 9 days ebay shopping before she has to work again.
I'm thinking of making a private, invitation only blog (in addition to this one as this one will always be "open to the public") to give me a place where I can be more open and talk about more pressing issues.
Overslept for church today. In fact my allergies have been so bad today I've done a big ol lot of nothing.
Wow this blog has turned into a big ol boring something-or-other hasn't it. Perhaps I should come back when I have more uplifting things to say.
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