Disjointed, Disconnected, and Disappointed

I have no idea where to start this. I'm not happy.  I'm not happy at all.  I'm ready to throw in the towel and go back to "my life."  A life that I thought was missing so much that I had to go and mess with it only to realize I miss the old life more than I enjoy what I thought I was missing in my new life.

I never wanted kids until I got married.  I never *really* wanted kids until I couldn't easily have them. I never *had* to have kids until I couldn't have them.  Now that I've had the chance to be a mom I have to honestly say, other than a few instances, I'm not enjoying it one bit. 

Maybe it's the age I started with.  We started with teenagers right out of the box.  Teenagers suck.  Harsh? Maybe.  The truth? Absolutely.  Teenage girls. Don't get me started.

I feel so ungrateful when I complain how unhappy I am.  I get friends telling me how this is such a blessing and I'm doing such a good service.  I get people who are brazen enough to think they know what I think, how I feel, and what I want and don't have any issues with telling me these things.  9/10 they are wrong.

We've had little to no help from the social worker assigned to our home.  She's more often than not clueless.  Lyric has no desire to speak to her and the SW just sort of sits here and I do all the talking.  I have to do the therapy (of which Lyric has not had since 9/11).  I bitch and bitch and bitch but yet I get no where.

Then I find more and more little ways in which I've been lied about.  Ways that center around neglectful behavior: I get mad when she calls home sick from school (the latest) or I forbid her to see the school nurse.  These little things probably don't cause any of you to think, "well, that's just shitty" but the truth is how long until one of these little lies turn into bigger lies that effect my husband or I and ruin our lives?

She's got the mentality that she has a team of workers who are at her beck and call and every time I try to institute rules in this house she's got to call someone and complain because she doesn't have "freedom" and "space."  She's 13.

I'm at a loss.  I'm a very liberal parent.  I'm not overly strict.  So it really pisses me off when I get "tattled" on when I try to discipline her. 

I'm going to give therapy a chance.  But if by the first of the year we haven't seen any positive changes then I'm going back to my old life: happily married to my best friend.  This entire ordeal has been very difficult on my marriage. And that's the ONE thing I refuse to allow go south.

Rocky Roads

And I'm not talking about ice cream.  Things around here have been very difficult this week.  Of course I'm not going into specifics but suffice it to say we've experienced our first major hurdle in foster/adoptive parenting. 

The positive: we survived it.  The negative: I have worries I didn't have three days ago.  The positive: after a two hour meeting with the social worker things are patched up. The negative: I allowed myself to get into a power struggle with Lyric. The positive: I think we're back to normal. The negative: I've lost some trust with her. 

Yesterday I was emotionally, physically, psychologically exhausted.  I'd had only 6 hours of sleep in 48 hours and I had been smarted off by a "I'm Grown and know it all 13 year old" but also by a "I'm wearing a gun and a badge so I know what I'm talking about police officer."  I literally spent 5 hours on the phone between three social workers, my mother, my best friend, and my husband trying to make things better.  Next thing I know: she and I are fighting because she wants to think she's grown.  She doesn't trust us because we have lost trust in her.  She doesn't like us because she's chosen to take what happened, put her own spin on it, and refuse to face reality. 

We had an emotional night of talking it out.  When she said that she didn't have a father my husband instantly teared up.  We were talking about being her parents and not trying to take anything away from her mother and father.  She meant she's never really had a father but it came out wrong and shattered my husband's heart.  After two hours of back and forth and me doing more talking than anyone else in the room (what else is new?) I made Jeff tell Lyric who was now sitting on the couch between the SW and Jeff how he felt.  He was very resistant. It wasn't normal for him to have his parents tell him he loved them so I knew this was hard but in the middle of convincing him to tell this little girl how he feels about her, I got tearful for the 4,539,239 time and made him.  He told her he loves her and can't imagine having any other daughter than her. 

It's going to take awhile before she is able to accept unconditional love.  It's an extremely foreign concept to her.  We know she's testing us.  We knew this day would come at some point.  We have to make sure we don't take her attacks and resistance personally.  This is very hard to do especially when we have so much invested in her: so much emotion and love.

We'll make it.  One day at a time.  But I kindly ask, Jesus please take the wheel because I'm unable to drive under the influence of emotion.

Pray for us.

What's Happenin?

Long time no posting.  Things have been organized chaos here at the T household.  Where to start.   Is everyone okay with a bullet post??  No? Well, you're going to have to learn to deal with disappointment!

• The last time we met, Lyric had been in the ER with pneumonia.  I am  happy to say that she is 100% better.
• Because of reasons I haven't gone into here in Bloggerville, we are now a three person family.  Sophia has gone to live with another foster family.  The decision to ask for her to be removed wasn't an easy decision but it was the best decision.  I struggled with the decision for a very long time (even though she was only here three months) I really did struggle for a long time knowing that she was not a good match for our parenting styles and the other personalities in the home.  The day we packed her up and moved her was very difficult but we've fallen into a new groove and we're all doing well.
• Lyric started and has since decided to stop going to gymnastics.  Today was to be her fourth class but she talked to me and said that right now she feels like she's going through enough and would like to hold off on gymnastics until maybe the summer.  I do believe that it did not appear that her heart was in it and right now her grades and adjustment are more important that cartwheels and back handsprings.
• My husband's company has purchased over a million dollars worth of new equipment that he will be responsible in implementing, maintaining, and training all staff how to use. To say he's stressed out would be like saying peas taste like skittles.
• I'm two weeks away from the end of the first term of my classes and right now I have As in my classes and two HUGE papers to write. In fact, I'm supposed to be reading research articles for my paper on treating children with PTSD right now but I'm blogging instead.
• Lyric has been asking to volunteer at the local humane society.  She's also been asking for a puppy but a kitten would work since we cannot have a puppy.  We *could* have a puppy but a) I don't want to go through the puppy stage again any time soon and b) our dog is 10 and does not like other dogs.  She's reached the old bitchy woman stage of doghood.  I think she and I are going through The Change together.
• Lyric volunteered for the first time yesterday at the humane society. 
• Snickers, a 12 week old calico joined our family yesterday.
• That makes seven cats.  Snickers joins her siblings: Lola, a stinky fluffy hairy dog whose big fluffy tail making for the best.kitten.toy.ever, and feline siblings: Yetta, Naomi, Vegas, Punkin, Marvin, and Farty. 
• We're checking Craig's list for a partridge and Home Depot for pear trees.
• My health is borderline right now.  As I've mentioned before I have RA and I take chemotherapy in two forms: IV and pill.  My IV form has been increased as much as possible and my pill form had been reduced but increased again.  I'm on a new medication to keep the chemotherapy from stressing out my liver, kidneys, and to help keep my hair from falling out. 
• I have a CT scan in the morning because I've lost almost all my hearing in my left ear and it has been congested and oozing nasty stuff for a month now.  The ENT I saw believes I need a tube inserted (I had them when I was six until I was 15 and they were surgically removed) and the CT scan is because he is worried the RA has begun affecting the bones/joints of my ear.
• I've been researching a diets to help my health.  I need a diet for weight loss; however, I need more of an elimination diet that eliminates foods that may be causing the horrendous eczema outbreaks I've been having as well as controlling the inflammation in my body.  Weight loss will be a byproduct but for once in my life isn't the sole reason for dieting.
• Our WVU Mountaineers are 4-0 and are EXPLOSIVE! We just recently joined the Big XII and are doing pretty well.  We play Texas Saturday so we're nervous but still believing here in Mountaineer Nation.
• This Saturday we will be waking up at 4am and on the road by 5 am to take Lyric and her brother Brady* to a pumpkin festival in Milton WV.  I'm praying that my RA won't be too much of a bother because I know a lot of walking is involved. 

Well, I think that covers it.  My attempts at avoiding work on my paper isn't helping me keep my A so off I must go.


*Not his real name.