Consider Yourself on Notice

I figured it is time I address some things that have been increasingly raising my blood pressure.  So, in an attempt to speak reason to those with the best of intentions (at least  I choose to believe they have the best intentions) and to keep from assaulting someone either verbally, physically, or both, I've decided to put this out on the interwebs.

1. I AM a real mom.  I am not a babysitter.  I am not a social worker with two live in clients.  I am a mom who worries at night when her child is sick. I am a mom who mends broken hearts only the hearts I mend aren't broken over silly things like boys and friend drama but trauma so disgusting and perverse that I, as a grown educated adult who professionally functions as a therapist, can't even comprehend.

2. This girls ARE my children.  Yes, they have biological mothers.  One daughter may still return to her biological mother.  My other daughter will never return to her biological mother.  But in my eyes there is no difference between the two.  I AM their mother.  They are MY children. 

3. Yes, those of you who know us personally know we went from not having kids to two teenagers very quickly. All of you know that we are foster parents.  We all know what it means for a child to be a foster child.  However, this DOES NOT give you any right to ask them private, personal questions in the middle of Walmart, the street, or even in my own home about WHY they are in foster care. It's frankly none of your damn business and if they want to share that information with you I'm sure they'd rather not do it next to a whole bunch of strangers.

4. For people who do not know us personally we want them to look at us and think we've always been a family.  That these girls are our biological children.  This does not mean we are trying to replace the parents they have had. This is because we want a NORMAL life for two girls who haven't been fortunate enough to have what many of us consider "normal."  We don't leave the house wearing tee-shirts that read: Foster Mom, Foster Dad, Foster Daughter.  We dress like normal people because we are.

5. I don't care if your mama, grandmama, auntie, best friend's boyfriend's great aunt Bertha were foster parents please refrain from sharing 'horror stories' and definitely don't think you know everything that happens in the foster care system and how to best raise my daughters.  Like I said, I'm a trained counselor and next year will be a Masters level therapist.  I know all about dealing with emotional issues, mental illness, and trauma.  I also know a thing or two about empathy and love and how to show it and express it. 

6. If we see each other in public, don't introduce me and my daughters as your friend Allison and her "foster kids."  This will get you unfriended from not just Facebook but from my LIFE.

7. Don't tell my girls you "understand them" or that explain how you were punished when you were a child so you "sympathize" with them. The punishments they have endured was worse than anything YOU could ever imagine. 

8. Don't "sympathize" with them.  They aren't broken.  They aren't abnormal.  They aren't aliens of a difference species.  They are children.  You're not their therapist or social worker so keep your Dr. Phil sound bites to yourself.

9. When I'm frustrated because I'm a mom to two tweenagers, don't tell me that it would be "easier" if they were "normal."  Because that just makes you look ignant. (Yes, I meant to spell it that way).

10. All I ask is when you see us in public, when you see our daughters I want you to try to act the way you would act had I given birth to both of these girls and raised them for 12 and 13 years. 

11. Under no circumstances should you EVER ask me in front of my children or ask them directly in front of us if we will be adopting them or if they want to be adopted. 1. It's none of your damn business and 2. We've been a family for 2 months.  Adoption IS the plan if and when all parent rights are terminated IF the child wishes to be adopted.  These adoptions will take place over a period of time and after family therapy to make sure it's the best option for them.  Putting either my husband and I or my daughters on the spot is not appropriate. EVER. 

We're a normal family brought together by unfortunate circumstances.  My daughters have already been victimized in ways that sicken the deepest depths of my soul don't continue to make them feel different.  Think about it: how would you feel if the life you were living (however miserable and abusive it was) was your normal and then all of a sudden you were put in a home with strangers and told, "this is your family now."  How would you feel?  I'd be scared shitless.

These girls are stronger, smarter, and wiser than most.  No it hasn't been easy on them or on us.  But I'm a very protected advocate (it's part of my real mom duties) and I will not tolerate anyone calling attention to their differences.  We work very hard to protect their privacy and to make them feel safe, loved, comfortable.  When we introduce them as our daughters to our friends they know our friends know they are in foster care.  They aren't stupid.  Maybe some of you need to think that just that introduction alone is difficult enough on them and you shouldn't follow up with "what county are you from?" or "who's your worker?" or "do you know so-n-so, she works at DHHR?"

Just say hello.  Ask them if they are excited about school (not their "NEW" school, just school in general).  Ask them what they have done this summer.  Ask them about their hobbies or favorite shows or movies. And for the love of ALL that is holy, unless you have been involved with my children from the beginning and know what you're talking about, don't tell them, "You're with a good family now."  We NEVER condemn the biological family regardless of what happened in the past.  Family is family and by telling them how nice of a family we are sends the message of, "your other family was shitty."

My husband and I are raising children in the same difficult world you are.  We face the same challenges and worries about school bullies, illness, raising strong, independent well-rounded children as you do.  We just have a little bit more junk to work through than most.  Don't pity us.  Don't pity our daughters.