Post Placement Depression

Whenever a new mom has her baby there's often a period of time when she experiences depression--post partum depression.  I know it is often due to the sudden reduction/change in hormones but I'm sure it's also caused by reality not being as idealistic and glamorous as the dreams and the assumptions the expectant mother had prior to the birth.  In other words, there's a let down.

I've been a mom to two girls ages 12 and 13 for over a month now.  I love them dearly but things have been difficult on me.  Just the sheer adjustment of going from a family of just my husband and I to a family of four has been difficult.  But then there's the fact that what I expected to happen, my primary motivation over the past year of what I wanted to happen didn't.  We started this process for a son.  One little boy in particular. But we have two beautiful daughters. 

It's been difficult to adjust to hormones, moodiness, attitudes, and drama.  And given the fact we're foster parents we cannot leave them home alone and only individuals who have had sufficient background checks can assist us with child care, therefore, it's pretty much been me and the girls 24/7 for six weeks. 

I'm the kind of person that has to have some personal time and space when I'm alone and that's been difficult to come by.  Jeff and I haven't had a date in a long time.  So I have been having a hard time adjusting. 

I feel like I have post placement depression.  I expected to roll on into parenthood all easy like and that things would just gel and be amazing and I'd feel like a mom and I'd be so excited and wake up every morning like Mary Poppins.  When that didn't happen (because it was an unrealistic expectation) I began to question everything I've thought, wanted, prayed for, and worked for over the past couple of years.

I'm not saying I regret becoming a foster parent.  I'm also not saying there haven't been times when I've thought I regretted it. But I came to realize that much like an expectant mother, I built up the birth of my motherhood into some fantasy wonderland full of gum drops and skittles.  I was prepared to be a football mom to a beautiful African American young man born on Christmas day. 

I lost focus of my mission: to be a mom.  Just like much of how I've lived my life, I set my mind on something 100% out of my control and just assumed that's what would happen.  I knew that God had called Jeff and I to be foster parents.  BUT God called us for HIS reason not OURS.  He had two girls that He knew needed us as much as we needed them.  I needed to change my focus.  I needed MY vision to be clouded so that HIS vision could become clear.

I am slowly learning how to let go, let God.  It's hard for the controlling person that is typing this blog.  But I'm trying.

I love my girls.  I am glad Jeff and I pursued foster care.  I'm glad that even on the hardest days when I was ready to throw in the towel I didn't.  Parenting isn't easy regardless of how you become a parent.  But in the end, when you step back and look at what you've accomplished, take stock in the beauty that has come into your life, it makes dealing with the unpleasantness (attitudes/drama/sassiness) easier. 

I thank God for giving us this desire and for sending us these girls.  I pray He continues to be my strength and my guide through the difficult times.