Rocky Roads

And I'm not talking about ice cream.  Things around here have been very difficult this week.  Of course I'm not going into specifics but suffice it to say we've experienced our first major hurdle in foster/adoptive parenting. 

The positive: we survived it.  The negative: I have worries I didn't have three days ago.  The positive: after a two hour meeting with the social worker things are patched up. The negative: I allowed myself to get into a power struggle with Lyric. The positive: I think we're back to normal. The negative: I've lost some trust with her. 

Yesterday I was emotionally, physically, psychologically exhausted.  I'd had only 6 hours of sleep in 48 hours and I had been smarted off by a "I'm Grown and know it all 13 year old" but also by a "I'm wearing a gun and a badge so I know what I'm talking about police officer."  I literally spent 5 hours on the phone between three social workers, my mother, my best friend, and my husband trying to make things better.  Next thing I know: she and I are fighting because she wants to think she's grown.  She doesn't trust us because we have lost trust in her.  She doesn't like us because she's chosen to take what happened, put her own spin on it, and refuse to face reality. 

We had an emotional night of talking it out.  When she said that she didn't have a father my husband instantly teared up.  We were talking about being her parents and not trying to take anything away from her mother and father.  She meant she's never really had a father but it came out wrong and shattered my husband's heart.  After two hours of back and forth and me doing more talking than anyone else in the room (what else is new?) I made Jeff tell Lyric who was now sitting on the couch between the SW and Jeff how he felt.  He was very resistant. It wasn't normal for him to have his parents tell him he loved them so I knew this was hard but in the middle of convincing him to tell this little girl how he feels about her, I got tearful for the 4,539,239 time and made him.  He told her he loves her and can't imagine having any other daughter than her. 

It's going to take awhile before she is able to accept unconditional love.  It's an extremely foreign concept to her.  We know she's testing us.  We knew this day would come at some point.  We have to make sure we don't take her attacks and resistance personally.  This is very hard to do especially when we have so much invested in her: so much emotion and love.

We'll make it.  One day at a time.  But I kindly ask, Jesus please take the wheel because I'm unable to drive under the influence of emotion.

Pray for us.