Greatest Christmas Gifts of 2013

Since Oprah no longer has her own show, there's no one to step in and present us with his/her FAVORITE THINGS or give us great Christmas gift suggestions for those hard to buy for people on our lists.

Fear not, I come to rescue you!!

Here is my list of awesomely great gifts for your 2013 Holiday gift giving season.

1.

These are called Tropical high waisted bikini shorts/knicker shorts.  I call them Thank You For Being a Friend Period Panties/ Depends Cover.  Because the minute I saw them the unforgettable da da dum opening notes of the Gold Girl's Theme song played in my head.  My sister in law says Blanche probably wore these but I'm putting my money on Sophia.

2.

These are called Circle Round Retro Sunglasses.  I call them Harry Pearl-ter Eye Shades.  If I may be so bold, I suggest you buy these in conjunction with gift #1 as a "set" for that "special" woman in your life.  

3.

These glitter Clothespins are perfect for that lazy friend or family member who can't be bothered to go to Walmart and make their own for less than $2.00. *Author's note, I would use these more as paper clips than clothes pins because who wants glitter in their tropical period panties?

4.

For the woman who has everything and is always filling up your News feed or Timeline professing her love of the Pumpkin Spice Latte, or the PSL for those of you Hipsters, these earrings may be the best gift she's received since her period after that really awful one-night stand.  Never under estimate the "Ahhh" factor when she opens a box to see two perfectly cut pieces of polymer clay pie slices with a dollop of Cool Whip.  **For added Wow Factor, single men dating that women who keeps expecting a ring,  you may wish to box these in a ring box from Jared the Galleria of Jewelry.  It will be a gift sure to be discussed and laughed about during your 50th anniversary.  Or you she will in turn get you a Match.com gift card as your gift.   Could go either way.

5.

Every single woman should have a pair of Panties with Uterus print briefs underwear in their lingerie drawer. Sure, you're man will think it's a stretched out print of a Storm Trooper, but it teaches him a valuable lesson about your innards.  If you're skinny enough the print on these panties may actually line up with your actual reproductive organs.  That would be epic.  But to a man this is a Rorschach Test and if asked he'll always see a Storm Trooper or one of those cow skulls they hang on the wall over the fire place in Texas.

6.

And not to appear sexist and leave the men out, this beauty is labeled, "UNISEX".  This is a sure winner for any holiday Ugly Sweater party.  What woman would not want to wear a sweatshirt with a floppy disk labeled PORN on her chest while sporting an upside down cross with a halo.  Definitely worth the $50 price tag, right?

7. 

This bow tie is the perfect gift for the professional in your life.  Who would't be more at ease whenever their doctor/lawyer/pastor/financial adviser walks into the room with this Pokemon bow tie?  I bet Michelle buys Barrack one for Christmas.  For only $8 the man in your life can have this manly and understated tie for all his professional endeavors.

8.

For the man who doesn't want to fool with the hassle of having/caring for a beard but often thinks during walks in the winter that all he's missing to keep warm is a beard, here's the best gift for him.  Also makes a great gift for that one friend or family member you truly believe knocks off banks and 7-11's in his spare time.

9.

For that knight in shining armor in your life, this crochet knight helmet WITH MOVABLE VISOR is essential.  Now, if the visor did not move I would caution you not to waste $35 of your hard earned money on this but since it is movable and can transform your man from Dork to Knight in seconds it's well worth the money!!!

10. Saving the best for last:

Just like the 80's had Cabbage Patch Kids and the 90's had Tickle Me Elmos, 2013's has the Hard-To-Find-Super-In-Demand-Item is the Men's 80's Heavy Hair Metal Glam Rock Bon Jovi Neon Spandex Stripped Pants. Every woman I have spoken with has said how hard it has been to track these down for her man. These Glam Man Pants are on the top of every man's Christmas/Hannukah/Kwanzaa gift list!  And for only $29.99 you don't have to break the bank.  **Air guitar included.

So there you have it.  The top 10 Must Have items for your holiday shopping.  If I were Oprah, which I'm not, I would be throwing out pairs of female reproductive part panties to everyone!  You get panties!  And  YOU get panties!!  EVERY BODY GETS PANTIES!!!

HAPPY SHOPPING!!!!