Today I Screamed.

Today marks my sixth day on the Grace & Strength Diet but the fourth day on the VLCD.  This weekend was easy.  So easy that I thought, "I got this" and then yesterday came and with a migraine from you know where.  I came home, bound and determined to quit.  I was sick.  I was hurting. I was miserable.  I ransacked my husband's dresser for Easter candy I bought the other night and managed to find a bag with 3 Doritos.  What it was doing there is another fight for another day.  But I ate them.  I gleefully ate them savoring every single cheezy crumb.  I licked my fingers.  Then I got into a fight with my great friend in a far away land (North Dakota but that's far far away from me).  She told me I needed a therapist and I told her in not so many words to Eff off.  Then I ate one of those Cuties oranges.  If you've never seen them before, the commercials are liars.  They are T to the iny.  Seriously.  it took longer to peel than to eat.  But damn, it was GOOD!

Then I went to sleep.  My migraine was so massive that I seriously questioned if I needed medical treatment. With the help of pharmacuticals, I slept from 5pm until 7:30am.  I woke up with a minimal headache that for the most part was gone.  What do I have today?  Other than an intense desire to cheat?  I AM MEANS AS A SNAKE.  I mean something fell when I got home and I screamed.  I mean like a crazy person.  Ever said you were so angry you could scream?  I did it.  And while it helped me in the minute, it's crazy that food has done this to me. 

I want to lose weight.  I was to be successful for the first time in my life and yesterday, I had a revelation that lasted about an hour. I work for a local church organziation doing social work on a part time basis.  We give out food orders to those who don't have enough food.  We get a lot of the food we give out from a local grocery story who gives us meats, produce, breads, and cakes.  Baked goods of all kinds.  And I look at them all the day long.  I give them out to people.  They sit in the big fridges for me to give out.  They sit outside my office on a table in the thrift store for people to take.  I literally can't excape them.

Yesterday, when I thought I would succum to cupcake piled high with buttercream icing, I prayed.  "God, I need help".  Then it became clear to me: this food is killing you.  That delicious cupcake (and you know it's delicious) is WHY you are having to go through this today.  If you had the ability to edit yourself and not eat a cupcake every time you saw one you would not be a Type II Diabetic.  You would not be paying $200 a month for suppliments and coaching to lose weight.  If you could pass up those damn cupcakes you would not be 317 pounds.

Yes, I said it. I put my weight out there for all of Cyberland to see.  I don't care anymore.  It's not like if you look at me and my drivers license and are fooled by the 250 pounds listed as weight.  Today I was only 313.2.  Since I started I've lost 6.8 pounds that's since Saturday.  I wore a shirt today that I bought a couple of weeks ago that was too tight and today, while not lose, I was willing to wear it to work (as in out of the house).  I can tell when I look down I don't see my belly sticking out as much. I know my life is being extended each day I stay on this diet. The highest my sugar has been (without medication) is 136 and the lowest was 94.  But today I'm mean.

I'm so mean I am actually embarrassed.  How did I get so addicted to food?  I counseled drug addicts for almost two years and have worked with substance dependent people for almost 12 years.  I always knew the struggles people with addictions face when they choose to kick them, or want to but can't find the ability.  But now I know first hand how hard it is.  When you use a substance to comfort a pain (physical, mental, emotional) and you can't use that anymore, feeling that pain is to intently worse than before.  I don't know how else to put it. 

I have PCOS and I gained weight due to the metabolic changes that characterizes the disorder.  When my PCOS started kicking in I was being sexually harrassed at school.  It was heinous.  I won't go into it here but I thought, "well, if I just got bigger no one would notice me."  Wrong.  The more weight I gained the harrassment changed to "wonder what it's like to f*ck a fat chick."  I couldn't win.  The only solace I found: food. I ate to comfort myself and when I couldn't eat I slept.  Sleeping because my avoidance technique.  Whever I had a feeling, anxiety, concern I could eat away I slept rather that to face it.

As I got married and attempts at pregnancy failed and then our miscarriage I ate to escape the pain.  As my joint point and Fibromyalgia pain increased I ate to escape the pain.  When I couldn't control the things that were happening in my life I ate.  I was able to control the food I had in my mouth and by control I mean eat as much as possible. After I was diagnosed with RA I ate.  I ate to suppress the "what will I be like when I'm 60?" concerns.  I ate at the fact that my treatments weren't working.  I had a stressful job so I ate to calm my nerves through stressful days. 

I don't want to be this way.  I don't want to threaten to quit every single day.  I don't want to imagine my life without an occassional meal at Hibachi or Muriales.  I'm tired of my life being dictated by food.  I'm tired of hurting.  I'm tired of being weak.  I'm tired of being fat.

I'm also angry at myself for sleeping away my Monday evening.  Granted had my head not hurt so badly I wouldn't have slept but the sleeping was also serving a second purposed:  avoidance.  I wasn't able to control myself so I slept so that I could avoid the pain of wanting to quit, the anger of wanting to eat and the cravings I was having.  I slept through my coaching session.  Today I wanted to sleep the entire day.  This will get better with time.  I will get better with time.  But right now, until I no longer need to, I'm going to vent.  I'm going to be angry.  Maybe feeling the anger and pain is what I need.  There's not security blanket of girl scout cookies anymore (speaking of which the box I ordered from my boss' daughter came today.  I gave her $3.50 and told her to give the box to someone else).  So, today I screamed.  What will tomorrow bring?