Companies I Want to Punch In the Nads

Dear Wax Vac,

As soon as I saw your commercials on television I knew that I had to have your product to give my brother, who has the waxiest ears ever on the face of the planet, as a gag gift for Christmas. I searched every.single.store.I.could.think.of. that sells "As Seen On TV" products, including Bed, Bath and Beyond figuring you'd at least be in their BEYOND department but no luck. So, I sat down today, Googled you and oh wowie wow wow found out that I could get not ONE but TWO Wax Vacs for the price of one or $7.99. Hootie Hoo! 

I quickly put in my debit card number, my address, and proceed to click through page after page after page of "Wait, there's more!" bullshit items to add to my "set of the world's best ear suckers" each for $7.99 plus $6.99 shipping.

Finally I get to the page that basically tells me, unless you click here and accept the $9.99 Super.Fast.You.Won't.Believe.How.Quickly.You.Got.Your.Ear.Suckers shipping rate I may not get it in time for Christmas and because it just wouldn't be funny for my brother to NOT have a gag gift to open Christmas afternoon, I accepted the expedited shipping cost and hit the BIG RED BUTTON OF DEATH. 

I wasn't given the opportunity to "review my order" before my debit card was Vac raped for over $33. In addition to the $9.99 If-You-Don't-Pay-This-Amount-You-Won't-Get-It-In-Time-For-Christmas-And-Your-Brother's-Christmas-Will-Be-Ruined guilt trip, you also charged me almost $14 for "processing and handling."

How precious are the hands that will be handling these mini-wax-sucking-Chinese-made valuables? Should I tell my brother he needs to add this precious product to his will? So a gift that should have cost me roughly $8.99 per person (if I can find someone else who I think needs to have their brains sucked out through their ears) has sent me over my holiday fiscal cliff. All for a practical joke. I wanted to top last years gag gift of a plastic, foam filled, WVU toilet seat circa 1982 that I gave to my brother, a Marshall fan. I thought your cheap little hairdryer shaped ear sucker would be a cheap funny ha ha gift. And maybe it will be.

Perhaps I'll give the other one to my husband because Lord knows he can't hear for shit. So, maybe this will work out in the end after all. I will have paid a lot more than expected but maybe I won't have to repeat myself 50 hundred times a day. But still, almost $14 is asking a lot of someone to pay for another person to handle something unless it was a murder-for-hire kind of thing. I'd pay $14 for that.

Sincerely, Mrs. Grinch. 

P.S. I"m going to Bed, Bath, and Beyond this weekend and if I see your little Wax Vacs there minus the handling/processing/get it before tomorrow shipping cost, I will seriously consider that Murder-for-hire processing fee. 

Oh, P.S.S. Merry Sucking Christmas.

P.S.S.S. To my Sister-in-law, Michelle, if you're reading this, don't send my brother here.  I don't want to spoil the surprise. :)