Lessons Learned Equal Decisions Made

We've officially been without children for a month an two days.  It has been utterly amazing.  Seriously.

As an infertile woman, you feel cheated.  You feel everyone else gets to have this wonderful life of kids, and Santa, and soccer, and stick figures on the back of your SUV/Minivan/Duggar Bus.  When you have ovaries that look like hard boiled Easter Eggs, eggs that are scrambled, a uterus that has literally been burned free of any "embryo-holding" material, a body that sees embryos/fetuses (or is it feti?) as foreign and fights them like infection, and a blood clotting disorder that prevents the development of placenta (even if you hadn't had your uterus surgically broiled) you start to feel bitter.  

When you're walking around still carrying all of the weight your fertility treatments caused (in addition to the weight compiled due to Emotional Eating from miscarriage, Grief Eating also from miscarriage, and general eating) you can also be bitter.  You look to your friends who pop out babies and those damn Duggar lunatics and think, "I hate you."  Then you ask these questions:

"Why can't I be a mom?"
"Why is it so hard for me?"
"What did I ever do so wrong I can't have a child?"

Then you decide, "let's Adopt!" Then you see how expensive that is and realize you don't shit hundred dollah bills y'all or piss Sacajawea gold dollars so you decide, "Let's Foster-to-Adopt!"

And then you either add stick figures to the back of your vehicle and they stay or you add them and scratch them off or you just decided who needs those things on the back of my new car anyway (though I did manage to put not one but two Obama stickers on my new car.  I like Obama more than I liked being a foster parent, obviously!)

When you become a foster parent you either love it or hate it.  When you finally realize your dream of motherhood or become, "Aunt Allison" to non-blood related little people, you have one of two possible responses:

Yes!!  This. Is. Amazing.

or

WTF???????

We started with teens.  Teen girls.  My response was WTF?????  

Neither placement worked out.  And here we are.  One month of being a "child free" couple again and honestly....This. Is. Amazing!!

My husband no longer wants to be a dad.  I no longer feel compelled to make him a father.  I no longer wish to be a mom and even though I feel sorry for all the kids out there who need good homes, I no longer feel like I'm supposed to open a Humane Society for children.

I've searched adoption websites to find my "perfect family" and this past month having now experienced what it takes to be a mom and I must say, just Jeff and I being Auntie to the greatest.niece.ever IS my "perfect family."

Thus, we no longer will be fostering.  We will no longer be considering adoption.  We are happy to stay just as we are.  Two late-thirty-somethings who enjoy having a house in a particular order and free of any hormonal/emotional meltdowns.

Do you know how I know I'm okay with never being a mom???? I found out someone is pregnant and, other than being happy for her and her husband, I didn't feel a single twinge of jealousy.  I wasn't able to attend the baby shower when she had her first child four years ago because of "Fertility Envy".  Today, I was elated for her and elated for myself.  She'll have her two precious children and I'll have a quiet house and a wickedly awesome husband.

We both win!

So, take that infertility.  You have no power over me anymore because what I learned was, I didn't like being a mom anyway!!

Booyah!