The Way We Were

I have reached a point of no return and I seriously mean it this time.  Our time as foster parents will come to a close within the next three to four days, at the most. 

I have held on and held on because I have felt a tremendous amount of guilt.  Guilt that if it didn't work with us the child would be placed in a residential facility.  I don't wish that on anyone.  That's why I have continued to bang my head against the wall with little to no change all the while longing for my life pre-foster parent life.

I miss my old life.  I know this is a common thing that many parents go through and I never wanted to look at foster parenting as an easy way out; however, I had a realization as I was getting cursed out for the millionth time that I do have an easy way out.  Although it's not that easy. 

If I had my way I would pack her up while she's at school tomorrow and tell the foster care agency to pick her up from school and be done with this whole fiasco.  We're giving them until Monday at the latest.  And this time my husband is 100% on board.  Before he didn't want to give up the dream.  I long since abandoned the dream. 

I don't know what I expected.  I know what I hoped would happen and we all know that hasn't happened not a single time.  Do I chuck this up as a personal failure?  No.  I don't.  I gave 200% of myself for this.  What happened is we have a child who doesn't want help.  She doesn't appear to want a family, love, affection, or any kind of stability.

I'm a counselor.  I know all the pyschobabble and mumbo jumbo. I know she's probably never experienced real love and doesn't know how to accept it and how it scares her, blah blah blah.  There's only so much of that I can allow to explain the complete and utter abusive behavior we've experienced.  Today was the tipping point.  We had already made the decision to dissolve the family prior to the tonight's outburst.  But tonight's outburst sealed the deal.  I no longer feel a connection.  There's no relationship there anymore.

I feel so bad for being so blunt. But honestly that's where I'm at.  I don't want to do this anymore.  I no longer feel the pull to be a mother.  I realize that I enjoyed my life 200% better and I was unable to see it because I was so focused on what I didn't have than on what I really had.

So, this is the last weekend we will have a child in the home and I cannot tell you how wonderful that feels.  Maybe we'll go back and foster again, but honestly, I don't see that happening.  I praise those of you who can foster, but it isn't right for everyone and it most certainly, at least the two children we've had, isn't right for us.