Empty Nesters

Well, it's officially been two days since we rejoined the ranks of childless married couples.  I'm going to be very honest with you, it feels amazing.  And this isn't something I feel alone, my husband is also enjoying our new found freedom.

If you were to ask my husband (and I have often since Monday at 10am) if he thinks he'd like to try fostering again, he will tell you no.  I still have a lingering pull to have the family I wanted.  Well, let me rephrase that: I still have a lingering pull to have children; however, what I came to realize about myself is that I have the family that I do want, at least for right now and maybe forever: I have my husband, our dog, cats, and my parents, and my brother and his beautiful wife, and my adorable niece, and my dear friends who are very much my family.  I'm enjoying my life right now.

What happened you ask?  Well it was a mix of things.  Here in another year I'll be finished with grad school and I will be a Masters level therapist and as much as I love counseling people, I learned I don't enjoy doing it 24/7.  I learned that while I was able to be successful working with foster children in the capacity of a social worker, I had no idea how much, how hard, it would be to do that work 24/7.  The fights, the fears, the anger, the resentment (both on the part of the kids and my own resentment of the work/loss of freedom), and the liability.

We were hit right out of the gate with teenagers.  Teenage girls.  I never wanted girls but was so happy to get the referrals that I jumped at them.  If, and that's a capital I-F, we ever accept another referral it will not be for girls and the ages will go down to between 7-10 when the children will be a little more flexible with discipline and hormones aren't raging.

I also realize I may never get to the point where I want to accept another referral.  Ever.  And I have to tell you, I'm okay with that.  I always had a "the grass is greener on the other side" approach to life and I have found that yes, the grass may be greener but it's because the other side has more fertilizer (read: shit) and needs cut more often than then the less green grass I was running from.

Yes, my husband and I were good parents.  Some of our friends and family said we were great parents though I don't think it's wise to get carried away.  I learned I don't have a very mothering maternal side.  Especially when I had to deal with a sick child.  If I'm being honest, I was more disgusted with having to take care of sick children.  Not because I didn't like them but as a chemotherapy patient I have to worry about everything, the smallest of colds can get away from me and cause me to end up in the hospital.  I found myself so much more afraid of getting sick then I was focused on getting them well. 

I don't miss the fighting.  I don't miss being screamed at.  I don't miss being lied about, to, and on.  I don't miss being cursed at.  I don't miss wondering if tonight is going to be the night she runs again.  I don't miss worrying about running into biological parents/siblings.  I don't miss not feeling comfortable in my own house.  I don't miss locking up all my medications.  I don't miss trying to find a sitter when I needed a break and how limited my sitter options were because of the rules of state.  I don't miss a social worker who was a complete and total waste of salary for the agency. I don't miss mood swings. I don't miss the looks from the public whenever one of the girls would sass-mouth me in public. I don't miss the feelings of depression I was having.  I don't miss my own anger and frustrations with "why isn't this working?"  I don't miss parenting.

I miss giggles from happy days.  I miss feeling like I was helping someone have a better life.  I miss feeling like maybe, just maybe, someone might call me mom.  But I also miss having extra money to spend on my niece.  I miss being able to visit my parents, especially when my brother and his family come in, and stay as long as I want without having to entertain someone. 

I look at my husband and I see that as long as I have him to lean on and love and his support and love I have more than enough.  I have two parents who are healthy, a brother and sister who gave me a niece who brings such joy to my life, a warm home and friends who would walk through fire to support me (and trust me in the last four months they have).  I have salvation from a mighty and loving God.  I may not have 100% of my health, but in just the two days I've had without the stress of parenting my health has greatly improved.  Depression, anger, frustration, and desperation are powerful forces that are so negative and destructive on every facet of life.

So, after four months of fostering and four weeks of going back and forth as to whether or not this was for us, we have found maybe not.  We haven't 100% closed the door on trying again (unless they choose not to work with us again because I pretty much demanded the child be moved within three days and I got pretty nasty at the end).  But right now, we are okay.  We are happy.  We aren't even considering revisiting the notion of continuing to foster or letting our license expire until after the first of the year.