Getting Real To Get Results

Yesterday was pretty awesome.  Our new church is amazing.  The church family and friends that God is bringing into our lives right now is simply amazing.  I've been jaded by the church for years.  So jaded that I have been left feeling that I'm unworthy.  I've made that comment lately, too.  Not because that's how I was being made to feel by this particular person but because that's how I had been made to feel in the past.  I've tried to live the godly way before and never really made any intention to change.  I wanted to proclaim my faith, my salvation, but I wanted to still be of the world: cursing, gossiping, judging people, hurting them before they hurt me.  I desired the beautiful of God while still finding comfort in my worldly mask of U.G.L.Y.

Yesterday, Pastor Leo preached one of the best sermons I've ever heard.  Prior to him speaking, our youth dance team performed a dance to a song that said, "there's more than I require of you."  Talk about having music speak to your soul.

Pastor began in Rev. 3:20-22 and spoke about a divine invitation we all have.  How our names are written so beautifully on heavenly paper.

He posed the question, "Are we too occupied by other things that we can't hear the knock on the door?"

Other comments he made that I jotted down (in my iPhone notes so Pastor probably thought I was texting the whole time..LOL)

~Only those who have been invited and who have overcome can sit there.
~Jesus might be knocking at your heart but He is speaking to your spirit
~There's a season of hearing what God is saying
~How do I hear/know God is speaking to me?  SLOW UP: REFOCUS

He went on to speak from Luke 4:16-19

This is where Jesus is not just reading from a scroll in the temple but showing you who He really is.

Pastor Leo said that this is YOUR Year.  A year of Purpose.

Luke 14:1-5

You can't overcome until you've been through something.

When we get to a place where we get real with God we'll get results from God.

I'm going to repeat that more for my own benefit than yours:

When we get to a place where we get REAL with God we'll get RESULTS from God.

Then he called Jeff and I up to the front for prayer.  I've been struggling with feelings of worthiness, depression, and bouts of suicidal ideation.  I've had horrendous health struggles that never seem better and doctors seek to "manage" and not "cure."  I've been depending on man to cure what only God can.

I have felt like the world's worst wife.  A burden to my husband.  Here's this wonderful man who would and often does anything I need and instead of seeing that he loves me in spite of all I'm going through thus he is also going through with me, I see myself and bringing him down.

I live in a constant feeling of despair.  I can't give him the children he wants.  I can't even commit to continuing to foster parent, neither can he though, really.  The only thing I can count on is that I won't feel well most of the time, I'll be hurting in ways that I can't describe.  I'll be angry at myself and thus at the world because my life has changed so drastically.  I'll worry, stress, and become anxious over things to the point where I can't shut my brain off to sleep.

This is a pretty miserable situation.

I keep wondering why I'm not seeing any results.  Well...I haven't gotten real.  I mean God knows how I've been feeling yet I haven't gotten real about it.  I haven't sat down and said, "Lord, some days I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again." I've never had a plan.  But it doesn't take much for a semi-intelligent person to realize that by not taking care of my health and eating whatever I want and not focusing on losing weight I'm essentially slowly killing myself through bad life choices.  That stops.

God knows how I'm feeling but until I ask for His help how is he to know I'm serious?

I feel so unworthy of anything good, even my husband.

As Jeff stood behind me in the front of the church yesterday with his hands on my shoulders letting me know that he's got my back and the pastor prayed that we were not just going to be better but that we were going to excel, I cried because I have so much dirt and ugliness to shed.

I have to face some very painful things that long since happened to me and the thought of reliving the pain has been too much for me to bear so every time I got close to it in therapy before I simply quit showing up.  But I'm not getting any better. Old wounds are haunting me.

I deal with intense physical pain daily. I can't do anything about that more than what I'm already doing but add on some pretty painful emotional stuff and life becomes unmanageable.  It simply becomes another thing you just want to stop enduring.

I have too much going for me to allow myself to fall prey to enemy antics in my life.  I'm the daughter of a King.  That makes me a princess.  I'm married to a man who treats me like a queen.  I'm the daughter of two incredible people who greatly exceeded as parents.  I'm the sister to an amazing man who treats his wife like a queen and is doing his all to raise a beautiful princess.  Why would I not want to be here to see this life continue to unfold?

So, here I am.  In this blog post for all of cyberworld to see, giving it up.

Here I am, God, getting real with You, myself, and every other person in the world.  I'm getting real and I'm ready to work with You to give me results.  I don't expect something for nothing.  I know that You are God and all You want for me is to get real with You but I have work to do here, too.

Pastor Leo said that he's read his Bible for many many years and never has he ever read a verse that stated, "You already asked me for that last week" or "You can only come to Me so many times."  He has a way of making God real to us.

So, here I am. I'm making a promise to find a way, either through counseling with my Pastors or through a counselor, but I'm going to work on making myself get real because I want results.  And those results I want are a happier and healthier life, not death by my own hand.

So, bear with me and if you're a praying person please keep me lifted up.  I know I'm struggling but I know that I don't have to anymore.  And through God's word I've found the easy way out of a life of struggle is not suicide..it's Him.

I choose Him.