Connections

Ever seen a picture of a person (in our case a child) and felt an instant connection?  That's how Jeff and I have been going through this Foster-to-adopt adventure.  Once we saw the picture of R over a year ago we knew "there's our son."  After we saw R we saw a sibling group of three C, T, and T and decided if things didn't work out with R we'd consider the entire sibling group since they are to be adopted together.  Today I checked the adoption registry, as I do daily, and there are two new faces: J and Q. 

J is a 13 year old boy much like our R but I just don't feel the connection.  Q is an 11 year old girl who has such a beautiful face and a head of natural black hair.  In her I see my daughter just like I see my son in R.  Both are African American.  Both R and Q would complete our family. 

The hard question before us is: do we hold open two beds while we wait to see if we're a match for these children or do we open our home to foster children until a match is official?  I don't want to make children have to get comfortable somewhere and then move because we are making way for our forever children.  I can't imagine what kind of a message that would send but adoption is our primary reason for entering into foster parenting.

That's not to say that we don't want to foster children, we do; however, we're ultimately looking for family completion.  I've asked our licensing specialist what we should do, keep a bed open, take in kids and wait to see what happens even though that means the kids may have to be moved and he said that it's a decision J and I would have to make ourselves.  It's a tough decision.

I don't want to put all my eggs in one basket and take the chance of missing out on another child who may become just as adoptable and complete our lives as R and Q.  We may end up meeting with R and Q and realizing that we just aren't suitable matches.  There are so many variables that it's difficult to make the decision. 

I wrestle with having my heart broken.  I know it's going to happen.  I have already invested so much of myself into R and now I'm starting to do the same with Q that I just know somewhere along the line one or, perhaps, neither option will work out.  It scares me that I'm already invested in these children and they aren't even on the radar of being mine yet.

That's the hard thing.  Foster parenting is like a box of chocolates: you never know what you're going to get and so is adoption.  Resigning yourself to accepting the fact you'll only become a parent through someone else is one thing, but accepting that you'll become a parent through the fault of another person is weird.  Not bad.  Nothing to fear.  Just weird.

Things will work out the way they are intended.  I know that.  It's the unknown that is troubling me today.  It's the unknown that keeps me afraid of getting my heart broken.  But it's also the unknown that keeps me fighting.

I'm not sure at what point I'll feel like a mom.  Maybe it will take me as long to feel like a mom as it will for these children to call me mom.  But what I do know is I'm giving this my full time and attention.  I'm leaving my job on Friday, April 13th (what a day, huh?) and I will be a full time stay at home mother when our children come to us in whatever manner than they come. 

Today and everyday I cling to Jeremiah 29:11:  For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you.