Trust Me...

Initially we started this process to adopt R, a 13 year old boy born on Christmas Day looking for a forever family.  Then our feelings morphed into foster parenting while still planning to adopt R.  The night of our very first meeting with our social worker we went to the state's adoption web page and expressed interest in adopting R.  It's been almost two months and we hadn't heard anything at all.  So last week I asked our SW, "does that mean we weren't chosen?"  So he got the name of the woman I had emailed about R and was able to track down R's worker and yesterday my phone rang.  We only have a very limited amount of information but we're not out of it yet but we're not in it yet either.  There is a family in the northern panhandle of the state who has also expressed interest in R.  R's social worker asked for our home study which won't be finished until the very end of this month.  I don't know if that will affect our chances or not.  I don't know if we're out of it or not.  I don't know if I should let go of my dream or not.  We will be getting R's social summary.  That's when we'll learn about his situation and circumstances.

I keep thinking that since he's from here locally, why if when given the choice to stay in this area or relocate two hours away, would he choose the other family?  Given his age, R will have a choice.  I so badly want to yell into the universe, "We have a room we've decorated and put together with YOU in mind.  Please choose us!" 

The best we can do, the best anyone can do is pray that we become a family.  This is where I need to grow in my prayer life.  I still pray for the things that I WANT and not for God's Will.  That's hard to do. My husband will be the first person to tell you that I don't submit to ANYONE.  I don't like to take direction and I have issues with authority. :)

I feel entitled to R.  Why?  Especially given I know nothing about him but the beautiful mocha color of his face, his deep brown eyes, and his boyish charm?  Because I am infertile.  Because I suffered through fertility treatments yielding me baby weight and a heart broken into pieces via miscarriage.  Because I can't lay down and make a baby like other women so I already decided that since I've already had to suffer so much I am entitled to whatever family I want.  Pretty shitty of me isn't it?

At least that's how my silly mind rationalizes things.  But in my heart I know that I have gotten this far by nothing else other than the grace of God.  God has provided me with EVERYTHING, even the painful lessons that grew my heart, spirit, and soul in ways I never could have imagined.  Why do I have so much trouble submitting to the Will of the God who has sustained me through the unimaginable?

I guess I never got that far in Sunday School since I am a Sunday School drop out.  I know God is merciful and He alone will make my family what is in HIS plans.  I have clung to Jeremiah 29:11 for the past six years:  "I know the plans I have for you, declared the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to hurt you."  It's the only verse I know by heart other than John 3:16.  I know that the picture of my family in my head may not be the Will of God for my life. 

I have to take a leap of faith in this whole endeavor.  I have to trust in God.  I have to trust in my husband.  I have to trust in myself. I have to trust in my family. I have to trust in my social worker.  I have to trust in the judicial system.  It's a lot of trust and for someone who doesn't trust easily, I don't know if I have enough trust to go around.

As we get closer to the end of our training and closer to licensing I get more and more anxious.  I'd be lying if I told you I wasn't scared but I'm not scared:  I'm petrified.  But I know I can do this.  I just have to be flexible and not allow my heart to get fixated on a situation until it happens.  Easier said then done. Easier said than done.