Feelings

I'm going to try to put into words the emotions stirring in my head, my heart, and my soul.  I wonder just how transparent I should be here at the risk of people thinking I'm a loon, but I'm going to be as open as I wanna be.

Tonight our social worker completed the safety check and praised our bedrooms for the kids. He joked what happens if we get a Pitt fan and I said, "I'll bend and buy Marshall stuff but I refuse to get Pitt stuff in my house unless it's Steelers."

Right before he left he said he full expects to have us licensed by early  next week and we may have kids as early as the middle of next week.  Once he left and my husband left to go grab us dinner I broke down and sobbed.  Not a sad sob, though there were sad elements to it.

We've been on a journey to having children since the day we were married six years ago. I've suffered grueling medical treatments (drugs/injections/hormones/surgeries/vaginal ultrasounds/painful "female tests"), emotional roller coasters included to but not limited to: whether or not I'd ovulated, am I pregnant, to the "oh shit now what" I uttered when I found out I was pregnant. Then came the "why don't I feel pregnant" worries but then I heard the whomp whomp whomp of a heartbeat that stole my breath followed a couple weeks by (November 30, 2007 a day I'll never forget), "there's no heartbeat."  No more whomp whomp whomp just quiet sobs that grew into guttural sobs that poured from the hollow core of my being.  Two weeks later the sobs came again as I labored the remains of our child.  If I live to be 200, I'll never forget the pain: the physical pain, the emotional pain, the psychological pain, the sheer trauma of it.  Followed by horrendous periods and just being too tired to continue which led me to have surgery forever ending our chances for biological children.

Next my brother and sister-in-law were blessed with a healthy wonderful and perfect pregnancy and in the beginning the anger that arose in my soul surprised me.  It wasn't an emotion I could control.  It wasn't an emotion I knew I would have.  I suspected some depression but not what I felt.  I was so angry that I couldn't be honest to God happy until one day when I finally decided to go back to church.  My husband was not yet convinced he wanted to go to church so I went alone.  That day the sermon was about how unless you give up that which has caused you pain you won't welcome the joys the Lord has for you.  You can't be filled with wholeness and happiness if you're holding onto brokenness and pain.

I went to the front of the church that day and I gave it all away.  As I stood there surrounded by strangers and a good friend, I sobbed it ALL out.  I prayed with everything I had that God would deliver me from these feelings of anger, resentment and replace them with a happiness, a love, and joy that the situation warranted.  Feeling and emotions I WANTED to have.  I surrendered all the pain of my infertility and loss.  I gave it all up.  I wish I could say the relief was instant,it wasn't but it was better.  Each day it got better.  Easier.

Amelia has been here 15 months now and she's every bit as amazing as I knew she would be.  I can't wait to meet her siblings one day.  But the desire to be a mom was still so big in my heart.  It was something that I ran from, though.  You see between my loss and Amelia's birth I was diagnosed with some pretty serious healthy concerns most importantly and challenging:  Rheumatoid Arthritis.  By the time I was diagnosed and until I was able to find the right treatment protocol I was losing everything (but weight).  I was losing my ability to shop, walk, travel, open jars, stand longer than two minutes, walk more than fifty feet without leaning on something/stopping.  You name it I met it along the road of RA.  I still find limits to what I'm able to do and ways to get around it.  I'll have it forever and I'll need to make adjustments for it.

This past Christmas I started a new, stronger, more intense treatment that has given me back more and more of my life, my mobility.  This past Christmas our family traditions changed and as we sat in our lonely living room on Christmas Eve I looked at my husband and I said, "Next year, we will have a family."  I had been saying "next year" for a long time.  I have talked about adoption/when we adopt/etc. forever to the point when I didn't even believe it would happen.  But once we made the decision it was made.  We turned a process that takes anywhere from four-six months into a two month project.  By the time we reach the three month anniversary of starting the process we'll have children in this home.  We may have children by next weekend.

My journey is no different than other women who have experienced infertility. My family is growing in the same way many millions of families grow for whatever reason.  The important thing in this is OUR FAMILY IS GROWING.

There are still unknowns:  will we be blessed with the chance to adopt R (our primary reason for starting this process) or will we foster children who go home only to have new fosters who become little T's?  Will the sibling group of three we expressed interest in tonight be our children?  I don't know.  Jeff doesnt' know.  Our SW doesn't know.  The State of WV doesn't know.  But God does.

Tonight my soul has been humbled.  Humbled back to that 2010 summer morning in a small church when I released ALL of it.  Gave it ALL to God.  I made Christ the commander of my life, my situation, my family.  I no longer relied on what I wanted or what I could do to make it happen.  I didn't know as everything that has happened the past two years was being used to show me to trust more, believe more, and rely more. 

No matter how much I yelled at Him.  Cussed Him.  Tried to show HIM who was boss HE never gave up on his plan for me, for my husband, for our lives.  Yes, it's been hard and we still have some fighting to do but I have a secret weapon in this battle.  Every morning I'm going to get up and put on the armor of God and every battle I face I will surrender to Him and trust He will give me the words/strength/knowledge/peace to know HE is in control.  Things may not go the way I have them dreamed up in my head.  My family may not look the way I picture it.  But it will look exactly as it has been ordained to look like.  And on that I can rely.

I'm so thankful that I believed in myself enough to look past the worries of others.  I'm so thankful that God waited until it was in HIS time that he brought us to this point.  So many worries eliminated.  He made a way physically with a new medication for my RA.  He made a way through a difficult financial situation allowing me to stay home.  He made a way to show me that while I would love to hold an infant and raise that child from beginning to end, that's not His plan for me.  He gave me a man with a heart for those who hurt.  He blessed me with a man who doesn't care where our children come from, what color they are, just as long as we have them is all he cares about.

So many pieces have had to fall together in order for us to get here.  I'm still scared.  I'm still anxious.  But I more than enough. J is more than enough.  We with HIM are more than enough.

I'm humbled.  Completely and utterly humbled.