Schadenfreude

Have you ever heard of the Broadway play Avenue Q?  It's hilarious.  It's like Sesame Street for grown ups utilizing puppets and tackling such subjects as homosexuality, racism, how being a grown up sucks, etc.  One of the songs is about Schadenfreude, the German word for happiness at the misfortune of others.  I'll embed the youtube video of the song at the end of this post

You may be thinking, what in the world is this crazy woman talking about.  As my husband and I were eating dinner tonight and I was casually checking the Twitter while watching some NBA game on the flat screen on the wall of the restaurant while also writing out my list of items that must be cleaned/completed/bought before the children come home and I realized something horrible:  the very day I become a mom will be the happiest and most exciting and scary day of my life. I won't be a "mom" in the sense of a child looking to me as the greatest person alive kinda of way, at least not at first, but I will be a mom in my heart and I will be elated. 

On the other hand, my elation will come from the complete and utter misfortune of the children in my home.  They will have been removed from the only family they have ever known.  They will be in a new place filled with strangers, a different house, a different street, a different school, with absolutely nothing familiar.  How can I  be excited and happy to welcome these children into my home while they are petrified and have suffered abuse and neglect in a way I'll never comprehend?

I started getting really upset thinking about will this foster-to-adopt journey ever bring me what I want:  a family to call my own?  Will I ever be called "mom" sincerely from a kid or two or even three? It's scary but it's also disheartening that my happiest and most exciting day will come from something horrible and scary for the children.

Please don't get me wrong.  I'm not taking pleasure in their pain, but I am beginning to realize that I will have a mix of emotions that includes being so happy they are with me while also realizing that this, the greatest time in my life, comes courtesy of the worst time in theirs.  Something to think about.

The video is not to make light of the situation but rather to lighten my mood.  I won't be taking pleasure in the pain of these children but I will be so happy to have them here.  And for that, I feel a little bit guilty.