Adjustments

Monday morning at 11:00 am my phone rang.  I'm not embarrassed to say I was still kind of asleep as last weekend had really worn me out.  I saw the number was from our agency and I thought it would have to do with a previously presented situation and working out the specifics of a child we had already agreed to accept into our home.

Wrong.

I sat is groggy silence as I heard the social worker describe the child who needed us.  What this child had been through.  Were we willing to accept this child?  Yes!  I then had to wait to make sure the DHHR agreed to us as foster parents and not more than fifteen minutes later I was on the phone sobbing to my mother about how I was about to become a mother and I was scared.  Petrified.  But I cried mostly for what this child had been through and how brave this child must be to have told teachers what had happened over the weekend.  The same weekend my husband and I were galavanting around having the time of our lives this child was suffering unspeakable things.  Lord help this child.

J came home early and we went to the department to pick up our child together.  J took the next day off of work (which happened to be election day which meant no school) and we tried to bond as a family of three. 

This placement has been very easy.  It's almost eerie how easy it's been.  I expected anger, fighing, defiance and instead what I've gotten is a child who is fearful of anything but pleasing adults because of what the child perceives as natural consequences to not pleasing adults.  I received a child who says, "please" and "thankyou."  I received a child who opens doors and asks permission before doing things.  A child when told Facebook was not allowed did not put up a fight but rather said, "Okay."  I never imagined it would be THIS easy.  This child is amazing.  But still I struggle.

I struggle with when will I feel less like a babysitter and more like a mom?  When will I be able to develop that bond?  I don't know. I know it takes time and honestly time is not on our side this time.  I'll explain that statement at a later time as I need to process it myself.

But for the past five days my home has been filled with cartoons (I'm surprised at the large numbers of Asian-esque cartoons there are) and video games.  Dropping a child off at school (which means waking up at an ungodly hour each morning) and picking up the child.  Attending meetings about the child's education in the next school year.  Being so angry at the stance of the child's teachers yet knowing myself well enough to keep my mouth shut or run the risk of Madea coming out (I have decided that when Bruce Banner gets angry the Hulk comes out, when I get angry Madea comes out).  Then feeling guilty that I sat there, angry at the description and marginalization of the occurrances my child has faced and didn't defend the child or put these "educators" in their places.  But instead I spoke with the social worker who was also angered who spoke to the department worker who was also angered.  It made me feel good to know I wasn't overreacting in the situation just because I have a bleeding heart.  I did drop some "I"ve $100K in debt becoming a therapist so I know a little something/something about counseling" on these teachers and that kind of did change the way they spoke to me.  It was the best way I could give them an well-educated finger.

The awkwardness is still every bit as present as the first day, if not more so.  But hearing how well the child slept the first night, "Better than I've slept in a long time" because the child finally had a real bed to sleep on told my heart that we made the right decision to become parents.

We got more information yesterday that we're processing.  Throughout this process we've seen how God has moved through our marriage, even in times of loss, to prepare us for this that is His plan for us.  The information we got yesterday, combined with the name of our child and the biblical meaning of that name shows me that God has ordanined all of this in His time. 

That's all I can really say right now.  I don't mean to be cryptic but yet I must be. Just know things are going well.  We're making it one day at a time.