Childhood Memories

It's funny what you remember from your own childhood.  I was just in the shower thinking about the life of the child in my life and how different our lives have been.  This child has had a more difficult life than I did and I'm going out on a limb and say even a sadder life than I had. Then I started thinking about what kind of memories I have when I was the same age.  What was the saddest memory I could remember.  The irony is funny to me.

As I was taking a shower I thought back to when I was the age this child is and one sad memory really stood out, all these years later.  I remember it was Father's Day and the church I was raised in lays claim to celebrating the first Father's Day ever.  My job that day was to pin carnations on the lapels of fathers.  I had to ask, "is your father living or dead."  Men with living fathers got red carnations while men whose father's had passed on received white ones.  I hated asking the question. It was really easy when the really old men came in.  If the man in front of me looked like Moses I assumed his dad was already with God so they automatically got white carnations.  Then came my father.  His father passed when he was the age of the child in my home.  I didn't have to ask him, I just automatically pinned a white carnation on his lapel. 

I'm sure you're wondering why this is a sad memory for me.  Well, he asked me,. "why do I get a white one instead of a red one?"  It broke my heart to explain to him, a man who had many years to accept the fact his father had passed, that he was getting white because his father was dead.  I'm sure it didn't bother him and I'm sure he probably doesn't even remember this but I do.  I remember how much I wish I could have put a red one on him.  I knew it made him stand out a bit from the others.  At that age I hadn't experienced death yet so to me it was weird and hard to understand but I knew it was a sad thing.

Funny what we remember isn't it?  I have a child in this house who would probably give up every toy/video game/fun thing to have that simple, silly sad memory from this age. 

Now, as a 36 year old woman who has experienced loss and knows it's just a part of life, I look back on that Father's day years ago and think, 'what a stupid idea. shouldn't they have just gotten a flower based on the fact that they were fathers and not whether their fathers were alive or dead?'