God Is Good

God is Good.

Let the Church says, "ALL THE TIME!"

There's only so much I can reveal on this blog given the nature of our family, but today I need to "talk." 

Mary was just plugging along in life.  She had a direction.  A plan.  She was going to marry Joseph.  I'm sure she was excited like all new brides but her path was about to take a drastic turn.  Mary had been ordained for a greater purpose than just being Joseph's wife.  God had a plan for her.  This plan was something that He knew would take a woman with a strong heart, one who could withstand ridicule and judgment.  A woman who had the compassion and the fortitude to accept a child who was not her husband's.  A woman who was strong enough to be pregnant prior to marriage.  When God felt it was the appropriate time, God sent the angel Gabriel to tell Mary the news.  Luke 1:26-28 is where we find Gabriel appearing before Mary and telling her that she will be the vessel from whom the Savior will be birthed. 

Gabriel has been considered the angel of maternity and dreams.  She announced the birth of Sampson and appeared to Zacharias and his wife letting them know they would welcome the man who was to baptize the King of all Kings.  She was with Daniel helping him to understand the dreams he had.  And just as Gabriel was there to usher into and announce to the world the birth of the man who had come to save, it is believed she will be the one to sound the trumpet to usher Jesus back to the world on Judgment Day.  Gabriel, an angel of the Lord, brings forth hope, new life, and comfort. 

Without taking the time to go back, yet again, through my story, I'm going to focus on my testimony.  When becoming a mother became something that I never thought was possible for me, God wrote a verse on my heart, "For I know the plans I have for you.  Plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  Jeremiah 29:11.

I grew up in the church but I never gave it much thought.  I became disillusioned by the hypocritical manner in which many of its members as well as other professors of Christ portrayed Christ and the Church.  But over the past several years I've made my way back.  I've come to see the things that happen in my life have been ordained.  My path has been ordered.  My steps have been counted.  God has a plan for me, for my husband, for our family.  He wants us to not suffer but to be hopeful and have a future that will bring glory and honor to Him.

The decision to become foster parents wasn't easy.  I agonized about how difficult our first placement would be.  So many questions clouded my mind. But along with Jeremiah 29:11, I also heard, "peace be still."  I knew that regardless of how it went I wasn't going to be alone.

A little over a week ago God sent my husband and I an angel.  This angel came to tell  me to prepare to be a mother.  This angel came to let us know that the child we will raise will not come from myself or my husband.  This angel came to help me see the worst and the best in myself.  I've struggled.  I've complained (a lot..it's my nature).  But I've also loved in a way I never knew possible.  I've worried in ways and about things I had never known were things to worry about.  I'm a worrier anyway but this was different. 

My home felt fuller of life.  My heart felt fuller.  I've never been so happy, so appreciative, so troubled, so annoyed, so frustrated, and so exhausted in my life.   I've wondered if I'm supposed to be a mother.  Why don't I feel maternal?  Why am I so frustrated? Why don't these teachers see in this child what I see?  I guess those questions are normal, or as normal as possible for someone in my shoes. 

Soon we'll be saying goodbye to our angel.  I'll pack up clothes and personal treasures the child didn't have before coming to stay with us.  I will write this angel a letter in a journal so when those times of frustration, worry, and fear come, maybe my words can be of comfort. 

Once I learned this placement would be for just a short bit in my life, I tried to save myself the heartache and not develop an attachment.  Then last night before bed, after several days of being here, I finally got a bedtime hug.  A gesture of trust from a beautiful soul. 

I do not know what those eyes have seen.  What those ears have heard.  But I know that since coming to stay with us, those eyes have been able to close for a peaceful sleep and those ears have heard the care and compassion we have in our hearts.  Telling the child it is time to move on will probably go down in my world as one of the worst/hardest things I'll have ever done.  I'll be sending this angel away with the prayers of a mother. 

Lord, bless this child. Comfort this child.  Help this child understand the changes that are coming.  Let this child know that, maybe for the first time in life, this child was loved.  May this child leave our home with fond memories that at the age of 40 will still bring a smile to an angelic face.  Lord heal my broken heart as I spend this small amount of time giving this child a normality perhaps never experienced before.  Give me strength to say goodbye and give me the knowledge that this child is going to be okay.  Just give this child the same promise you've given Me. God I ask you prosper this child, give this child hope and a future.  Thank you for sending me this angel and showing me how hard motherhood is, what I need to change in myself, and for preparing me for what my future holds.  Amen.

Right now, I'm crying the tears of a mother.  I've had many cries in my life. Cries that seemed to come from deep in my soul, but this time it's different.  This time I'm crying as a mother. It's a whole different cry from a whole different kind of pain from a whole different place in my soul.  But we're going to be alright.  All three of us.